Messages of “I Love You”

And NO, those of you wondering, this, is N-O-T (must I repeat EVERYTHING I say on here???) my large E-G-O talkin’…

Messages of “I love you”, I’d found, unexpected, from someone I don’t even know, heck, I hadn’t even MET the person, and yet, s/he (and no, I don’t know the person’s sex!!!) claims that s/he loves me, how can this be?  I thought that love only happens, AFTER you got to know someone!

Messages of “I love you”, why do I need them again?  Oh yeah, because I lacked it as a child growing up, because NO one gave a FUCKING (oopsy!!!) shit about me, and so now, when people tell me “I love you”, I’d fall relatively quickly (what am I???  N-U-T-S???).  Messages of “I love you”, I’d received too many, and yet, I’m questioning their validities, how many of those “I love you’s” are for real?  And, how many of those “I love you’s” are losers’ ways of getting to my pants?

Messages of “I love you”, STOP sending them to me, because I don’t NEED nobody (yeah, feel free to report THAT, why don’t ya!!!) to give me, because I love ME plenty, and, I will always VOW, to love ME dearly, and that, is that.

 

 

 

Adventures of a Lifetime

Dealing with one’s diagnosis of cancer, Translated…

Lying Across the Sickbed, I, Alongside Him

Like Siamese Twins, Breathing Hard, So We Could Still Keep Ourselves Alive

We Worked Hard, Opened Our Eyes, Gazed Up at the Night Skies

And We’d Seen Shooting Stars, Glide Across Our Brains, Noses, Mouths, Throats, Chests, Lungs, Breasts, Stomachs………

At the End of Life, Falling Off the Horizons

Our Hearts Became Shaken Up, We Couldn’t Catch Up to Youth, and We’d Aged

The River of Life and Death is So Hard to Cross Over

Looking from One Shore to the Other, the Heavens Became Connected to Hell

A Step Forward, the Roads and Bridges Were Buried by the Rain, Sleet, Snow and Hail

The Dawn Up Ahead Became Misty, I Told Him, “We Should’ve Started This Journey Long Ago”

Going Toward the Direction Where Death Lays, in the Distance

Even Though the Views are Obstructed, Even Though, the Roads Were Marked by the Twists and the Turns

In the Lines of This Life, We’d Bumped into One Another Several Times

And, as This Journey is Marked by Chaos and Medications, We’d Agreed, to Use This Bag of Medicines as Way of Recognizing One Another

We’d Made Identifications, Met, and Understood One Another, We’d Held Tightly to Each Other, Recited the Tragic Verses Together

Actually, We Didn’t Exchange Any Thoughts of Depth, and We’d Become the Best of Friends for Life

We Used the Bedposts as Supports, Followed the Dimming Lights, Broken, Intruded, into the Ward Filled with This Scent of Literature and Ink

Actually, We’d Both Mistook This Place, This, is the Best Place in the World

And the Lifetimes Strutted Here, Telling the Stories of the Lives that Passed Through

As for the Future, I’d Told Him in All Honesty

Because I’d Expected that Sort of Beauty, Completions, and that Sense of Continuation

So I Chose to Keep on Adventuring, Like a Fighter in the Wars, Fighting, without Holding Anything BACK

Up to Here, Don’t Try to Persuade Me on How Tough, How Strong Life Can Become

Just Hope, that on a Certain Night After He Leaves Me

I Could Still Recall How He and I Helped Encouraged One Another

How We Shared Our Many Adventures

Accompanying the Old Age, the Ailments, and the Illnesses, as We Worked Hard, to Broil Those Zests of Life We Once Felt, Which Had Become Completely Impossible Now

Getting Warm by Patting Over Our Battle Scars, and Used the Poetic Verses for the Sake of Healing

Guarding This World We’d Built, Waiting for the Next Shooting Star

And so, this, is kind of a eulogy, or ways you can remember someone after s/he is gone, and, there’s still NOT a hint of sadness, but a lifetime, filled with the memories you two had shared, with the beliefs that the two of you will meet again, on day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain is on Stand-by

Feeling kinda not “here” yet???

This morn, when I woke, my brain is ELSEWHERE, and, as I called out to it, it didn’t reply, well, that’s O-D-D, where, has it gone, I’d wondered to myself…

Brain is on stand-by, and, it’s standing by, waiting for my command, and, when I barked out my commands to it, it doesn’t follow it!  Brain is on stand-by, and, there’s NO way to get IT into the “zone”, to FOCUS, I’m totally distracted, I won’t get a single thing done right now, NOT effectively, at least.

So, when the brain is on stand-by, there’s NOTHING you can do, to WAKE it up, NOT even that black cup of Joe will work, because caffeine, is NOT what you need right now…

Brain is on stand-by, when will it get returned to me, I’m in desperate need for it to F-O-C-U-S (fingers start snapping), LOOK here, do I need to give you an examination, to make SURE that you’re functional there???

Over & Over Again

We will need, MORE than JUST that simple LOCAL anesthetic here!!! Over and over again, I’d tell myself, that you are kind, that you will NEVER lie to me, even though, deep down, I knew, even BEFORE you opened up your lips, lies overflowed from them.

Over and over again, I’d tell myself, he’s working late, he’s boss is working him too hard, there’s that huge promotions he’s up for shortly, and that, is why he’d spent those late nights, it’s NOT his having an affair with someone he works with.

Over and over again, I’d lied to myself, that you had NOTHING but kindness toward me, but my heart knew, that it was not true.  Over and over again, my brain worked its triple overtime, to convince my soul and my heart too (b/c my body didn’t need the convincing!), that you are the kindest man I will EVER be with.

Over and over again, I’d run the lies, hoping they’d become more believable to myself, but, in the end, after they (the lies) were worn out completely, I still ended with?  Lies, it’s just that their effects wore off, somewhat, because of how hard I’d worked them, worn them out, you know…

The Brain, Kidnapped by the Heart

Is this, a H-O-S-T-A-G-E situation we’re facing right now???

The brain, kidnapped by the heart, it’s cries, silenced, by the heart, pounding so loudly that the cries of the brain will always and forever BE muffled.

The brain, kidnapped by the heart, because the owners allowed her/his feelings to take over the “vehicle”, and, we ALL know what would happen, when emotions take over already, don’t we? We’d be in that really BAD car crash that might even cost us, our dear lives.

The brain, kidnapped by the heart, and, because the heart made the brain reliant on it completely, the brain had developed Stockholm’s Syndrome, and, once the heart has the brain, RIGHT where it wanted it, it (the heart) can do AS it pleases, to the brain, and the brain couldn’t even fend for itself, nor could it fight back!

The brain, kidnapped by the heart, and, the heart still hadn’t give us the conditions which the brain will be released (there was NO ransom note, OR phone calls!!!). After the brain got kidnapped by the heart, it started identify with the heart (here comes Stockholm Syndrome), and after a short while of keeping the brains locked up, the brain started losing its ability to MAKE judgments for itself, and allowed the heart to MAKE all the decisions.

When My Student Transferred Out of My Class

The teaching profession, translated…

One year, I was assigned to a class of first graders. For the children who were finally out and away from their early childhood education years, it’s a most important step to starting out on their new life, so, way before the school starts, I’d already done a TON of preparation work, out of fear.

After school started, in order to earn the children’s trust, along with for them to like me, I’d worked hard in teaching. And toward kids who showed difficulties adjusting, I’d patiently soothed them, and slowly, they are all on the right tracks.

And, right at the moment when I was about to begin my celebration of how well things had gone, I shockingly discovered that there was a little girl who doesn’t talk much, who looked sad and depressed a lot, and so many times, she’d complained of tummy aches, and had her parents picked her up from school, and had asked for a long leave of absence right afterwards. I was about to find out what was going on with her, the head of the counseling at my school called me up.

When I saw the little girl, leaning behind her dad, and would refuse to go into class no matter what, I’d wondered, how did we get here, she could’ve talked to me first! Then, the head of the counseling department at my school said in a lowered voice, “You should hug her more!”

Back then, I’d blamed myself, did I make too many rules, to make her feel that I’m inapproachable to her, or, did I use too loud a voice in teaching my kids, that I’d scared her? At the same time, I’d felt really bad because of the words spoken to me by the head of the counselors.

The ending was, that little girl ended up going to another class. Later on, I’d always worried about how parents who learned of this will see me.  Shame, self-blame, and the feelings of being taken, filled my entire heart and mind.

On a sunny morning, my heart was in the low atmospheric pressure zones, the director of the teaching department whom I’d spoken but three words with came to visit me in class, I was shocked, and welcomed him. When the director said, “On the matter of the child transferring out of your class……”, before he finished talking, I’d blurted out, “Manager, I feel so very bad about it!”, and, my tears started falling.

And, out of my expectations, the manager of the department gently patted me on the shoulders, said, “It’s just one student who asked to transfer out of your classes, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad teacher, if there are a couple more, then, you will need to reexamine yourself. That child had yet to get out of her kindergarten state of mind, that, was why she’d maladapted, she’s the one who should learn to grow up, it’s not your fault.”

I forgot to say thank you to him, I watched him leave my class, dumbfounded, I found myself, having that needed boost now. Turned around, hopped, and marched toward the podium again, I’d gotten my zest and energy back once more.

And so, because that, was your first year as a formal school instructor, you didn’t expect that anything like that would happen, and it wasn’t your fault, because the child was ill-adapted, and, the transitions from kindergarten to elementary may sometimes be kinda difficult for a child, and you just need to give it time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Breakfast Roundtable Meetings

Translated…

From the agricultural times of before, sitting together as a family to dine, is considered ordinary, but with the changes in the forms of the societies, other than the nuclear families getting smaller, the family members are spread out all over the places, sitting together for a meal became harder to come by and a treasured rarity.

At the beginning of April, I’d gone to Taipei with my husband, we’d used the convenient MRT there, gone to see a TON of sights, and ended our journey in CKS Memorial Hall, a happy ending.

In the early morning by the CKS Memorial Hall, I saw the “Light of the Pearl, a X-Ray Vision into Vermeil” exhibition, I’d gone to visit the exhibitions.  And because I loved the paintings in the guides, I’d ordered a year’s worth of United Daily News, and gotten the volume of art book as a gift.

Since the very first newspaper showed up on May 1 at my breakfast table, it’d changed the atmosphere of dining.  The three of us, mother and children, held on to our favorite sections, and fed our souls, all thanks to the “guidance” from the “Light of Pearl exhibition.”

When dawn started cracking, I couldn’t wait to pick up my spiritual food for the day, and, the energy started at the family round table meeting.

So, there’s still a need, for the printed newspapers, because the newspapers would offer you NOT only the news, but it’d also manage to broaden your horizons, and you still don’t have to leave the house, to add more knowledge to your lives either.