The Final Act of Love from Her Grandfather

The kindness from a member of the family, translated…

Seeing the pile of the section of the papers for reading pleasure on the table, I’d smelled, the scent of the ylang ylang flower all of a sudden.

Because we don’t have newspaper subscriptions at our house, every time I’d gone back home to visit, I’d always loved to carry the pile of the reading subsection of the papers, and slowly, savored the articles.  My grandfather paid attention to details, he’d noticed how I had this habit, and so, after he’d sorted through the newspapers, he’d saved the subsections for me especially.  If it was during the spring or the summer seasons, there would be a small paper cup, with a bit of water, with the ylang ylang flowers inside.

It’s been eight years since the start of this “ritual” of his, it’d become a connection that him and I shared, it’d become a sort of a habit too.  I’d even understood, that that, was how my grandfather showed his love to me.

At the end of last year, my grandfather died of illness.  I’d followed behind my parents, and other elders, as they sorted out the matters of his final affairs, and, in the midst of cleaning up, I’d discovered, that there was, a pile of paper on my grandfather’s desk, folded up, nicely.

I’d understood, that this, was the very last kindness my grandfather showed to me.  I’d felt this light scent of the ylang ylang flower, gliding across my nose, and, the heat of my own tears, falling down from my own cheeks.

So, saving the papers for you, became something your grandfather did, and, this last kindness stayed with you, for a long time, doesn’t it?  Sometimes, shows of love is quite simple, it’s in the littlest of matters.

The Child on the Train Tracks

Let’s take a trip in time here, translated…

My elders told me, that I’d had a problem growing up: loved watching the trains, and enjoyed wandering off on my own.  They’d often mentioned of an incident, when I’d just gone missing.  One day, I was missing, everybody went searching for me everywhere, and, in the end, they’d finally found me, very far off from home, sitting on the train tracks, with my pants unzipped, laughing and clapping.  They’d told me, that back then, someone rushed up to me, carried me off, and, in just no more than thirty seconds’ time, a train sped through where I’d sat.

Naturally, I held NO memories of the events.  After I’d gone to the site where they’d found me, I couldn’t wrap my head around, how, when I was not even three, how can I possibly trekked for one kilometer, to a place I’d never been, and waited, for the trains, to meet me, head on.

If I had a chance, to ride back on the time machines, I wanted to go back to the day that I wandered off, and wait for me back then, to slip out the door, not to prove that the stories my families told me were fake or true, because I believed the collective memories of the family members.  I wanted to follow behind myself quietly, walking onto the tracks, wanted to know, how he had, taken this gamble on his own life, and the journey he took.  I also wanted to know, how is it, that this sense of adventure was lost from me through time too, bit, by bit.

And so, basically, you miss your own childhood bravery, because you were very young, you didn’t know how to fear, or, what fear even was, because fear IS a learned behavior, and, by wanting to return to that day that you’d gone missing, you’re actually, trying to find that sense of innocence that’s gone from you already, isn’t it???

No Longer Feeling the Regrets Over Not Having a Daughter, on Filial Relations

Translated…

“If a daughter is the father’s lover from a past life, then, who is she, to the mother?” this question would often circle around my mind, and to this day, I still can’t find an answer for.

I have two sons, in the little over two decades’ time, I kept feeling, that not having a daughter is one of my biggest regrets in life.  My older sister’s three girls, they’re all very well-behaved, no matter where they are, they’d call her up every single day, from before, they’d used text messages, and now, it’s LINE.  Seeing how my older sister used LINE to have conversations with her three girls, I feel so envious.

Looking at my sons, my older one, goes to school far away, if I didn’t call him, he’d disappeared off the grid, until he’s out of his money for living expenses.  When I’d complained to him, “Just call home every now and then, and let me know you’re okay, is that too much to ask?”

He’d returned, “I’m just way too busy!  Relax, no news IS good news, if something were to happen to me, the officials at the school will surely notify you.”

My youngest isn’t that much better, the raging hormones of his teenage years, made him into a porcupine, and, when I’d asked him something, he either ignored me, or answered me in such a bad tone of voice, and, from time to time, he’d talked of the goings on at his school day, but, when I’d wanted to know more, he’d fallen silent.

And, it’s also because I have these cool sons, causing my not having a daughter become a deepened regret.  Until recently, I’d bore witness to how my coworker, Jun interacted with her mother, it’d slowly, allowed me, to let go.

Jun was the second child, her older brother learned everything, after he’s old enough, he’d lived far away.  She, who’s unwed, carried the heavy burdens of looking after her aging parents, but, she’d had tons of complaints about it.

A few years back, Jun’s father died of illness, and, Jun’s mother finally got her son back, but, the mother-daughter pair would often spat about her older brother’s habits.  “It’s all because of how unfair you were, that’s what caused him to be such an awful person.”  After a huge fight that they had, Jun moved out, to this day, it’s been five years, she’d not gone home once, didn’t even call home either.

The coworkers kept consoling her, to not hold a grudge against her mother, after all, she is, elderly, and, is not very healthy either, and she’d told, “If she wanted me to come visit, then, my older brother MUST move out.”, and, this had, caused Jun’s mother a ton of heartaches.

Seeing Jun’s example, I’d finally gotten it, it’s not important at all, whether or not one has a daughter; the important thing is, to cherish what one currently has.  My eldest son can’t find the time to call me, so, I’ll call him, so long as I know, that he’s working hard in school, it sets my mind at ease.  Although my younger son seemed like he’d had dynamite to eat every single day, at least, he’d still joke with me, it’s puberty!  Who didn’t pass through it like this?  “Due to affinity, we’re all, together!”, just let me cherish this heaven-sent, good kind of affinity then!

This just shows, how your problems are not problems at all, and, in each and every household, there IS a different kind of hardship, so, don’t envy someone else, just cherish what you have, and take care of your loved ones.

The End of Our Affinity

This, is a past vs. future kinda thing here, translated…

I love you, like turning back the hands of time; you love me, like the future.

So, you’d loved someone, and s/he didn’t reciprocate, for whatever reasons there may have been, right?  That, is why, you loved the person, like turning back the hands of time, the time had passed, and, it’s NOT coming back, and, the love you wanted from the other person is like the future, uncertain…

Fragile, a Short Prose

Translated…

The most delicate of ALL china pieces understood, that it takes OVER a thousand degrees in the oven, in order, for the gentle heart to get created.

So, you must, handle with caution, because, when someone places something so precious (like her/his heart???) in your hands, that means, that the person is entrusting something that’s of the MOST valuable to her/him, so, DO handle the hearts placed in your hands with care and caution, and DON’T break it now!!!

No Mistakes, a Short Prose

On parting ways, finding the peace, after the breakup, finally!  Translated…

Before you say, “no big deal”, you must have gained an understanding of what “no big deal” means.

So, this, is still just saying, that you should NOT speak of how you’d gotten over a lost love, REALLY, work hard, to get OVER that lost love, otherwise, you’d only BE fooling yourselves.

A Season of Tears

Here comes, a season of tears, you don’t know what brought it on, but, it’s here now, and, there’s NO escaping, getting DRENCHED!  A season of tears, that, is what’s in store, after he’d abandoned you, after he’d, knocked you up, and, you shoulda seen it comin’, but, you refused to acknowledge the fact, that he, is EXACTLY like ALL the other men you’d ever been with, only looking for a FREE fuck, and NONE the responsibilities.

A season of tears, that, is what you’re endowed now, and, there’s NO escaping it, first, the drops came down, separated, one, by one, then, they’d come, quicker, quicker, and quicker still, became a FLASH flood, and, you found yourself, in the midst, of ALL this pourin’ rain, trying real hard, to find a high place to stand up on.

A season of tears, what can I say, it’s BOUND to happen, and you knew it too, it’s just, that you LACKED the foresight, to put an end, to this season of tears before it even started, and now, you have to, live, with the consequences, of your own gullible nature…

A season of tears, that, was what he’d left you with, wasn’t it?  And, after crying, straight through the season, did you feel better?  Of course N-O-T, because everywhere you’d go, you’re still, reminded of this love he’d left behind, and, you’d gotten, filled back up, with that sensation of betrayal, all over again.