Remembering the night I’d cried, so very hard, for the first time in a very long time, translated…
He Wasn’t Singing, But Making a Confession for My Life, Brewing a Good Bottle of Wine with the Years in the Roads Up Ahead, on the Loss of My Family, the Loves I’d Missed Out on, on My Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve, Waiting Until, I’d Passed Through, the Numerous Trials, for Me, to Drink it All Up……….
If We Can’t Keep Our Youths Intact
As a man turns forty, that youthfulness is no longer intact; can no longer bend down, to scratch that itch; the bones become stiffened, the dead skins took over.
The senses, they’d slowed down, and the emotions became like the cash deposits in the banks, declining by the day, and, even the tears, they no longer, fell so easily, so carefree. And although I’d encountered moments that hurt or touched me, I’d only felt that sourness inside of my nose, I’d, blinked several times, and still, NO tears came out.
My friends told me, this, is not signs of being old, being old is, without the passions, the tears would come falling down uncontrollably, like how in the soaps, when a handsome young man died, everybody headed out of the funeral place, wiping their tears away.
The star signs “diagnosed” me as a hardened, stubborn Capricorn, the champion of lonely, that I’d not shown my emotions on my face. That is, actually wrong, I have a low emotional cracking point, I cry easily too. And, in pathological terms, I’m a severely depressed, pervert.
one of his life performances in Taipei, not my photo…
Especially, for the four years I’d lived alongside my parents, saw how fast they’re aging, seeing the two of them, struggled between illness and life, life and death, it’d, drained out my life sources completely, and, after keeping it all bottled up inside, sobbing, twitching, and crying hard over it, it seemed, I’d, drained dry the total amount of tears I am allotted this whole life. After both my parents died, after becoming an orphan, I’d not, cried anymore.
Not crying wasn’t because I’d not needed to carry any more loads that life became, smooth-sailing from here on out, but because I’d felt, I’d weathered through the hardest trials of my life, and, finished with the wars, of being someone’s son, I’d once, cried on about how the seas are making it difficult for the waves, and, there just, doesn’t seem to be enough chances where I’m fitted, to cry like hell anymore, and there’s not the same values I’d assigned to crying either.
But, there was, this once, that I was hearing Jonathan Lee perform “Hills”, I’d felt, all the emotions surfacing, I’d covered my face, and cried throughout his concert.
That was, at the gymnasium in Kuala Lumpur, Jonathan Lee was there, hosting his “If We Can’t Keep Our Youth” Concert. I’d not normally gone to concerts at all, but, because I’d been too choosy, felt, that there are, only a limited number of artists, who can sing the songs I can relate to. I’d bought the ticket, because I’d, logged on to that hard-to-log-on website, and was, bombarded by the sales reps.
And the reason why I chose Jonathon Lee was because his age. And seeing him as “elderly” I’d not intended him ANY disrespect, instead, commending him on how he was able to, radiate, using the experiences, the thickness of his life.
In the age of the young, I’d come to realize, that I’m no longer young, there would be getting emotional over it. And still, for some reasons on that very evening, my emotions overflowed, like how mercury dropped to the floors, headed, toward the no-returns of life, passing over mountain after mountain, chasing immortality, then realizing, that I’d not, had anything at all, the feelings of loss, he’d had too, and, my stubbornness of thought became, miniscule.
Finally, the tears came out, since my parents died, it was, the very first time, I’d allowed myself, to just cry, and, I’d, cried out, all those former years’ worth of repressed feelings. I’d found that pair of warm hands, reaching toward me from the songs of Lee, leading me, into a comforting place, where I can, just cry it all out.
And, only in that darkened environment, can people let go of their own reserves, and, come face-to-face with one’s own shortcomings, weaknesses. The lights came on, the people left, and, my emotions are still, there. I’d walked out of the gymnasium, it was, drizzling light, I’d stood and stared at Lee’s ad screen for a very long time, couldn’t bring myself to leave. This sort of an old friend, so close to me, yet, so very far away, he’d not known, that how his songs had, stayed in the minds of his fans.
not my photo still…
There are, countless number of sorrows on this very night, the lonely people crowded together, keeping each other warm, and healing up together.
So, this must be, very cathartic for you, to be able to cry out like that, because you’d gotten so used to keeping everything bottled up inside, because that is what life requires of you to do, and, finally, all the emotions, they’d, overflowed out of you, on that concert that you’d attended, with other strangers.