Stepping Foot on the Land of My Home Country

Choosing to stay away from home, for all the right reasons here, translated…

The items on my wish list included everybody in my family is healthy, my two daughters have bliss in their lives, and I get better by the day at writing, to overcome my own fears of being in the midst of a crowd………of all of these, the most pressing one I wanted to accomplish was, to head back to home.

not my photo…

It’s been a long time, since I last set foot on my homeland.  My homeland isn’t at all that faraway, it’s just that both my parents had passed, my siblings are all over the places, plus I had a ton of stresses, fast-paced life and schedules, causing this trip toward home to not be completed.

At the start of the year, I’d originally wanted to head home, my older aunt from my mother’s side of the family passed away, my eldest brother and younger brother, along with my older cousin discussed it, and, decided, to hold my aunt’s funeral, while offering the good deeds to our ancestors.

Offering the good deeds, is a ritual, from my homeland, Taiwanese, for the sake of paying back our parents, we’d needed to hire a master of Taoism, to perform rituals on a large scale, at the same time, to offer blessings for the younger generations too; when we were younger, because the local economics wasn’t that well at all in the countryside, it’d usually cost a lot of money, for a service, and normally, these rituals were, performed for the deceased of the rich families, and these sort of passing over rituals would not just go on for three days straight, the family would often invite the whole village to have a meal.

not my photo…

My younger brother booked a flight for me, hoped that I can return home to offer the blessings to my ancestors, but I know, that in these grand scale things, all of my relatives would come, and, as those wonderful people from my hometown see me, they would surely ask, “What job do you have in Taiwan?  How much do you make?”  “What does your husband do?” “How much have you saved up?  Do you have a car and a house too?”, thinking about all of these, I’d felt limp, numbed from my skull.  With the economics getting better in China, there were, a ton of rich people that suddenly, sprouted up amongst my friends and relatives, and, in this trend of needing to exaggerate, embellishing how rich we all are became, a norm.

As the straits opened up, I’d rode on the trains of the era, married from this end to that, in twenty years, I’d bore witness to the economic growth and economic downturns of Taiwan, saw how my home country got from poor to rich too.  I saw my husband from being a stand alone businessman, to become unemployed and squatted at home, my younger brother’s business, slowly on the rise.  I seem, to be walking in the opposite directions of the times, there’s nothing interesting about my life, and, busyness filled up my day to day.

As I thought about in those grand scale services, I’d had to, deal with the concerned looks from my countrymen, and, I’d thought about “heading home with all the glories”, as well as “embarrassed to see the people back home”, these two contrasts, before I even got close to stepping on my homeland, I’d already felt, chickened out, and, the other side of the strait became, this home I can’t return back to again.

not my photo…

In the end, I’d chosen, to make my escape, timidly told my younger brother, that I won’t be back, you all prepare more items for the offerings on my behalf then.  My younger brother said, out of this difficulty feeling, the ticket is valid for an entire year, if you want to come back home within the validity period, then, come home.

Home is not far off, home is calling out to me.  I hope, that in this year’s time, I will, finally, fulfill my own wish, of stepping on my own homeland again.

So, because of ALL the reasons that you don’t feel ready to deal with, you’d chosen, to stay away from your home country, and that, is sometimes how much pressure the thought of “home” can have for someone, because you’d worked so god DAMN hard, to get out, and now, there’s this, unforeseen force, that’s, pulling you back, and you wanted to, delay going back home, for as long as you possibly can…

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