Coming Out, Facing One’s Own Soul Truthfully

How a gay man come to accepting himself, translated…

In 2006, I came out of the closet with the statuses of a writer, a Christian, a commentary. It’d been, a whole ten years since, from the year before, I’d divorced my ex-wife, ended the nine-year-old straight relationship of marriage with her.

The year I divorced, I’d just felt that my heart became so light, that I couldn’t touch it, it’d, flown away from me, and I couldn’t hold on to anything in life, as I got to that point in my life, I felt like I was, thrown toward outerspace, there was, this strong scent of nostalgia. But, I’d also known, that I have no other choice, I can live with this self-deception, and deceiving the world again, I can’t justs keep on pretending, for my own safety, disregarding the happiness of the ones I loved, I’d needed to, come clean. The divorce, was her choice, she couldn’t put up with the slightest fakeness in the marriage; after all, we weren’t, straight lovers.

the writer of this article speaking at a workshop about Christian and Homosexuals, from the Chinatimes…

I was born in 1970, during the era I grew up, there weren’t any open discussions of homosexuality. Before me, there was no one in Malaysia who’d come out of the closets, there wasn’t any church, any pastor, or any Christian who’d told me, that being gay isn’t a problem; all the Christians, pastors I knew all told me, that being homosexual is a sin, that it can be changed, and it needed to be changed. Back then, a lot of the homosexual people all hid out, in the closet called marriage, having children, lying to oneself, and others too.

Back then I hoped that I could change, thought that I could too, at least, I thought, that God could help me; it’s just, that I’d slowly, come to understand, that if it’s not a problem, then, why change. I’d finally understood, why God wasn’t, listening to my prayers…………

After I’d come out of the closet, I’d felt a million arrows, shot through my heart, I’d heard the worst that a human being can say to another, saw the disgusting parts of human nature too, I was the enemy, because people don’t understand me, I was libeled and slandered against, because of others’ prejudices. There were, anti-Christians who’d asked me, why did I not wait for five more years before I’d divorced; some scolded me on why if I’m gay, I’d married a woman like I’m straight; some Christians told me that I wasn’t making my mind up on changing my homosexuality, that I’d not obeyed God, that I wasn’t, faithful enough; some laughed at me, why am I so stupid, so superstitious on religion.

And, I’d become, a rat on the streets.

the paster and his ex-wife, showing him support…photo from online

I’d felt difficult being human, like I’m, no longer one.

Some asked, didn’t you ever consider any of this? Why did you come out? Using such high profile methods? Why did I bring this sort of sufferings and pains on myself?

All of these, I’d, considered, it’s just that I know, unless homosexuals come out, otherwise, there’s no chance that the anti-homosexual beliefs of this world will change, and the homosexuals will keep on getting hurt, there were, a lot of the straight people, who’d become, partners to homosexuals, and, in the years that’s passed, their souls were, injured too. I’d felt, that I’d already died, and come back to life, and now, I’d wanted to, do something for those who came after me.

My faith gave me the courage to come out. Thinking on it, it’s actually, quite odd, my religion had once made me hate myself and denied my self too, but now, I’d, come out of the closet, not caring what the world may think, it’s also, my faith that’s helped me do this. Coming out, the first few years, sometimes, my legs would be so heavy with burdens, and when I’d heard the words of homophobes, I’d gotten, very depressed too, but the love of Christ always became, my comfort after the gossips that the world engaged in, I was often reminded of Corinthian1:4’s “in all the sufferings, He will give us comfort, tell us, to use His given comfort, to comfort those in pain.

On the year I came out, I’d published my path to coming out, “Is it later now?”, telling my own story, this book went to the printing press again eight years later in Taiwan, a friend who worked in press interviewed me especially, and on our way back to the hotel from my new book signing, he’d sighed, “can’t believe, that you’d chosen this road to take in the fight for equality.”

He was driving, his girlfriend sat right next to him, I, on the backseat, listening, felt a bit sad, I knew how difficult this was, fighting for freedom of press in Malaysia, fighting for democracy is hard, coming out of the closet, and talking of homosexuals openly? Malaysia still kept the old laws by the British colonizations, anal sex is an unnatural act, and it’s criminal, once the charges stuck, the people who were found guilty can be sent to jail for a total of twenty years; no wonder some people think I’m insane.

at the first international queer film festival in Taiwan…

I’m not unscared, I just, can’t put up with how my own weak life had, injured many others around me…………yes, on this twist and turn of life, I’d chosen, this path, and, it’s for, life, or death.

In this decade, I saw the world’s views toward gays and lesbians changed, I’d trekked across many places in Asia, from Malaysia, to Singapore, to Indonesia, then to China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan, as well as India too, I’m grateful, that I was able to, contribute something to the homosexual Christians in these places.

Coming out, admitting I’m gay, refusing to deceive, is, the most correct thing I’d ever done in life! These couple of years, my heart had, calmed back down, because I’d found myself, I’d found, my way home. I’m truly grateful for this for my Maker. I’d finally understood, the reason why life is so hard, is because we couldn’t, face ourselves truthfully.

If you’re gay or lesbian also, allow me to tell you: don’t be afraid, so long as you work hard, persist, love bravely, the world will, know the truth about us, and one day, the clouds will part, and, we will be, with the ones we’re in love with.

So, this, is the hard road that a Christian man took, to come out of the closets, and, although it was hard, he’d still done it, because he knew, that being true to himself, is the most important thing, and if he wasn’t true to himself, how can he be true to God too, that, was the drive behind him, coming out of the closet, as a Christian!


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