Shouldn’t Have Let You Go

Shouldn’t have let you go, but, it’s too late now, so many years had, passed now, translated…

There’s something I’d kept, locked up deep down, that I’d not dare spoken aloud, nor could I say aloud. That is, shouldn’t have missed you.

You can get back the days that are already gone, there are, so many things you can’t change. I’d intentionally not gotten an IM account from China, wanted to, sever myself from any and everything that’s, related to you, and, in the reunions, I’d always, been absent, I’d lived alone, in a foreign place, and, savored all the aspects of my daily life.

Six months ago, I couldn’t ignore my older sister’s urges, and gotten an IM account, and, the very next second after I’d signed up, you’d, found me, and became, my very first friend on WeChat, naturally, pulled me, into the class groups.

“The Leader” was our head of class, but, don’t know if he’d not known how to keep things up, the group had always been, loosely, populated, like a puddle of water. Once, the head of the class posted something, and, other than your replies, nobody said anything else. He’d gotten angered, and, no matter how you’d, consoled with him, he’d, set up his mind, on dissembling the group.

Several hours later, you’d set up a new group for our class, said that you’d felt compelled, to connect that disconnected interactions, that friendships with the classmates are important to keep, that we must cherish it, then, gave the head of our class the “title” of “leader of the group”; this, was how intelligent, how amazing, you are, at handling things. You’d put me first, not counting the leader of the group, this miniscule move, don’t know if anybody had noticed, but, it’d, surprised me a little.

You are, the most active person in the group, with the marks of a leader, worked hard, to increase the interactions of the classmates, and, connected people. You are, very quick to react, replied each and every classmates’ posts with humor, smart, and kindness. And, this group, because of your hard work, started gaining the momentum, like we’re all, returned, back to the days of our youth again.

The fifty students in the class, more than half worked as government workers, teachers, they’re all, bigshots. And I’d, given up my original good job, came to Taiwan, worked hard, struggled, to make my own living, and, as the classmates started ranting on life, work, learning, I’d found it really hard, to chime in, felt bad about it. But, you’d always, fought for my honor, my dignity too, moved me so.

People, often learned how important something is, after losing it. After I’d decided to leave you over two decades ago, I’d found, that you had, many good qualities, you’re righteous, kind, with a strong shoulder that people can lean on, a strong sense of responsibility, a bit domineering too, you’re very popular, both the guys and the ladies all loved you, I’m sure, that any woman is lucky to be your wife.

We’re each other’s first love, but, we never got together again, that, is the deepest regret I will ever have. And now, seeing how well you are, I’m truly happy for you, but, “I’m so sorry I’d, let you go”, I just, couldn’t make myself to voice aloud. I’d understood it now, “After you’d left a place behind, everything that happened, is no longer, related to you anymore”, and, the wish-you-wells that came from the deepest part of my heart, are all that I feel for you.

So, this, is on the one that got away, isn’t it? Because you were young, naïve, and, still had a lot of growing left to do, and, maybe, the two of you would’ve made it, but, maybe not, because life took you in different directions, and now, you have nothing but the best wishes for the person you were once in love with, that, is an amazing way, to put an end to a love from long ago.

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