The Actress, F, Who Always Talked about Breaking Up with Someone

Confiding in a friend, translated…

F is a woman who loved to laugh, and is very attractive when she laughs, it’s really hard, for people to think she’s anything less than confident about herself.  And, after several years of knowing her, I’d realized, that she had been, wearing, a false front, making sure, that the world sees her best side, so nobody will see her eyes red, with worries, disappointments, and senses of loss.

Once we were working together, it was late in the night, and she’d started sharing her own romances with me.  She’d told me, that she was, the one, who’d ended each and every one of her relationships.  As I was, about to, attempt to understand what she was getting at as she’d told me this, she’d added immediately, “Because I’d always felt, that they’d not loved me enough, then, I’d found, an assortment of ways, to prove that they don’t love me enough, to prove to myself, then in the end, I just couldn’t help, but start breaking up with each one of them.  But, as I broke up with the guys I’d dated, I’d soon discovered, that they really HAD liked me.  And, every single relationship I’d ever had, just kept cycling like this again, and again, and again.”

“Did you ever wonder why?”, I’d inquired.

“I guess, it’s my lack of security, aren’t all actresses and actors like so?”, she’d stated.

Surely, being a performer, IS a job without the steady sense of security, because there’s only very little you can control.  But, I’d still believed, that her lack of sense of security was the main causes of all of her breakups.

“You shouldn’t have built your relationships on your own sense of insecurity and values.  Because the relationships you’re in are always constantly changing.”, I’d found myself, to state some passage I read, out of Osho’s books.  She’d lowered her head, like she was, following me, in highlighting the important points of the same book.

“If every relationship is like this, then, it really didn’t matter who the person you’re in love with.  This is something that ‘YOU’ need to face alone.”, I’d ended the discussion, as sleep came to me, but the moment I’d finished talking, I’d thought, I may have been, a bit, too cruel.

two friends confiding in each other, picture from online…

“I know that I’m the problem, because in love, I just can’t seem to, trust anybody, like whenever love’s involved, there would be something tragic that happens next.  I’d even thought, that I can’t trust others, because I can’t trust myself.  Like I can’t believe, that I won’t meet up with the tragedies, like I don’t believe that happiness is rightfully deserved by me.”, she’d stated.

“Could it be, that you’d acted in too many soaps?”, I’d said to her, half jokingly.

“I’d feel better with too much workload, when I’m busy at work, I can last longer, but, whenever I’d stopped or slowed down, I’d gotten the sense, that tragedy was, about to hit me again.  Then, I’d started working on AND off stage”, she’d laughed bitterly.

“People with a creative personality can lose their self-confidence easily in their relationships.  From an angle, it’s two sides of the same mirror, simply stated, the artists have their separate ways of coping well in their relationships.”  This, was told to me by one of my best friends, she’d always told me, to keep this in mind, then keep on creating.

needing some advice in relationship here, not my photograph…

“This may have been an inborn character, rather than asking why, you should use this sense of insecurity to fuel you, to establish your sense of the self in performance art instead.”, I’d told her.

“But, our acting gigs, are built on the concept of instability, I suppose”, after she’d stated this, we both, fell silent, I couldn’t deny what she said, and, I can’t bear to say to her, that this, was why I’d added “writing”, into the arts creation that is originally “drama”.  Toward those who have great qualities, and those who are addicted, and loved acting, this doesn’t sound the least bit convincing.

She’d sighed to herself, said, that everything is still, related to her “self”, that it wouldn’t matter who she was with.  I’d told her, then, just stand still then, sometimes, we’d become suffocated, tangling ourselves in our own thoughts, and we’d felt hurt, by our own thoughts, but, those don’t exist in the now.  Let’s just, displace our selves from the states of mind quietly for a short while, and just, fall asleep quietly, at least, one thing is for sure, the sun will still rise up tomorrow.

She’d agreed, and I’d finally, allowed my heavy eyelids, to sink down deep, and quietly, left all my hard-to-cope-with life problems, temporarily, into the darkness of the night.  I’m sure, that there would be ways to resolve the issues, and things will work out as they are all supposed to.

And so, this, is just two girls talking, and, the writer reflected to what the friend was saying to her, by mirroring, and, mirroring IS psychotherapy, and, the woman seemed to know herself some, but not completely, and until she figures herself out completely, she won’t be able to find the love that she wanted.


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