If I Can’t Love You, Then, I Shall Wish You the Best

Getting your heart broken, by someone who can’t reciprocate the love back to you, but, because he’d let you down easily, you’d not felt too hurt, translated…

The final showing of “Amicable Shop” outdoors, I’d caught J, who’s dressed, too plain to a fault, was a strong contrast, with all the members of the younger generations, to the nines. After my show was over, J waited for me for almost half an hour, and as I’m finally freed up, he’d come over, with that shy look on his face, “This is for you, drink up.” He’d handed me a fruit flavored beer to me. I looked at him, and thought, that that, was how those love stories began in the movies. As I’d taken his gift, I should, plant a kiss onto his cheeks, then, we would, leave together, holding hands, walking down that road with the streetlamps lighting up just now. But, it didn’t work out like that in reality, J is straight, in his world of romance, there’s NO possibility that another male exists.

I hadn’t see J in such a long time, he’d reconnected with me through the internet just last year, we weren’t originally acquainted, but, we’d started instant messaging one another frequently. Being as young as he was, he had a settled temperament, and I, because of work, I’d traveled to and from, and would receive his greetings as well as encouragements. And so, in front of J, I’d made myself play the character of a little fawning girl who’d needed attention, somewhat spoiled. Last year, I’d hosted a book signing in Tainan, and J who’s away, showed up abruptly, which surprised me (as well as opened up that interpretation of why he did it to me too). That evening, we’d lain, on the double bed of the B&B, I’d thought, that the story would end well for me, but, it’d become, the most uncomfortable, most embarrassing experience ever.

not my photo

In order to understand J’s thoughts, I’d mentioned to him how I liked men. As I blurted it all out, J opened up his eyes wide, he, who was playing with me, stopped, instantly, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, you are………”, there was that sense of overwhelming fear in his tone of voice. We’d not talked again, J lay very stiffly, on the side of the bed, not daring to fall asleep. And I, on my side, and, took the very first train the next morn, left very quickly too.

Later on, J called to apologize, and opened up about how I had, misinterpreted how he’d felt towards me. After that, everything cleared in the air between us, and slowly, we were, able to, get back to the way we’d relate to one another from before.

“I’m going into the services.”, after J served me that fruit punch, he’d slowly, told me. “But, I’d still had yet to visit your Harmony Shop”. J was talking about my residence, the grocery shop from before. I’d stated lightly to him, “Yeah, sure, I’ll be more than happy to have you.” But, my mind is, making up the scripts again—did he forget about the awkwardness we’d experienced together from before, he’d still wanted to be alone with me? Or, did I, move him? Is he, accepting me?

Three days before J reported to his service terms, he’d come, that very evening, I’d served up the dishes that hinted my love towards him (the prawns, into the shape of a heart). J brought the sorghum wine, smiled and said, that the Harmony Convenience Shop is to turn into Harmony Motel for the evening. As we ate, we’d, laughed, and, became physically intimate; close to midnight, I’d thought (I can say, that it seemed that the signs were all right), timing is right.

“I like you,”, I’d managed out this line with my face all red. “Ahh!”, J’s replies caused the air to freeze, and, there was that sense of awkwardness, and fear that I’d become, too familiar with. But, I’d, decided to push forth, “I really, do like you. I, I want to………”

That evening, I’d cried my eyes out, and picked up the pieces. As I’d soothed over my own emotions, I’d remembered what J told me as he’d rejected my professions of love toward him, “You are so brave. A lot of people aren’t willing to face up to their own sexualities, you are very honest. Although, I can’t quite accept being with another person of my gender, but I truly hope, that you will find someone worthy of you. It’s, what you deserve.”

In the depth of the night, J texted me again, “Thank you for telling me you love me, really. Although I can’t bear the thought to break your heart, but I will, keep an eye over you.” I’d read these words through my tears, and, as I’d, calmed back down again. Then, suddenly, I’d felt this scent of gratitude toward J. Yeah, thanks to him, he may not know you, but, he respects you, and watches over you. And this was, the biggest effort he can give, in this relationship that can’t turn into the love I’d wanted it to.

So, this takes a lot of courage, what this writer did, coming out, professing his love to someone, and, although the guy didn’t reciprocate the same romance back to the writer, he’d still let him down easily, but, hearts were, broken, it’s just how the friend had, broken the man’s heart, had made it easier to take for him, and that, is how important it is, to let someone down easy, but you may need to be very blunt, to get your point across, depending on the situation.

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