Being too hard on yourself here, translated…
I’d not insisted on breastfeeding, starting with the month of recovery after birth, my mom was worried that having had my child later in life, my body would not recover at all, kept telling me to rest more, and most of the time, she was the one, looking after my child; in my limited hours of consciousness, when my son needed to beefed, I’d, tried to breastfeed him myself, but, I’d always, turned to the formulas, as he’d gotten too hungry, didn’t have the patience to nurse and started crying so loudly.
After the month of recovery, my mother made me soups that should help me produce more breastmilk, and I’d worked hard, to breastfeed my son too, maybe it was because I’d depended on the pumps, or that it’s my body type, or maybe, because I didn’t pump hard enough, that I couldn’t produce enough for even a meal for my son.
Later on, I’d tried endless number of ways, and made it twice a day, when my son started crying of hunger, I’d first, breastfeed him myself, then, gave him some formula too. I’d often joked with my friends, that my milk was like vitamin, twice a day, to help boost my son’s immune system.
Actually, I’d, felt somewhat sorrowful at this very moment.
I enjoyed how my son would rub his head up against my chest, I’d enjoyed watching him, working hard, nursing on me, I’d also enjoyed watching him smile, as he’d stopped to take a breath from feeding. I can’t help, but blame myself, blamed my own laziness, that I couldn’t, lengthen this period, and feared, that he may not have enough antibodies from my milk too.
Although I know that being a mom, I’m worth WAY more than JUST the milk I produced, but I can’t help but feel, that I’m a flunking mother, scoring a fifty for grades.
Because you are so set on breastfeeding, and you just, couldn’t get enough milk out, that, was why you’d felt, that you’d, failed as a mother, and, maybe, this being your first child added on to the pressure too, but, it shouldn’t matter if we breastfeed or not, after all, a lot of us are very busy every single day, and, many of us just, couldn’t, afford to, feed our own children ourselves…and, a woman should NOT be defined based off of that!