Hiding the self away from the rest of the known world, translated…
I’m quite, contradicted, I suppose. On one side, I’d loved being the center of the stage, underneath that bright spotlight, hoping that everybody can see me, and yet, I’d, wanted to keep myself concealed, fearing, that people might discover, that it was, me who’s been, onstage.
And, this conflicting side of my personality shows up solely on my drafting up my articles. In my leisure time, I’d viewed writing as a sort of a self-challenge, enjoyed the achievement and the bliss I got from writing. Because I’d once heard, that “if you are not in print, then, you are NOT done with writing.” And so, my writings started showing up on the papers, and in the periodicals and magazines too, I’d, flashed out, my show-off side there. And still, in the process of submitting my writings to the papers or magazines, I’d, worked hard, to keep everything lowkey, used a pseudonym to write under, not wanting anybody who knows me to know about my publishing my essays; at first, I’d, even kept my husband from reading my printed work. He’d become so confused and asked me, “Heaven only knows how many people had thumbed across your article that got published onto the papers, why would I make a difference?”
As the articles get published onto a printed periodical, naturally, the writers couldn’t sort through the readers, I’d also known, that by spreading my articles out, that, was how I will have the chance, to meet someone who can connect to what I’d written down. But, as this reader become my friend personally, then, that’s not something I would enjoy having.
Digging deeper, to the real reason behind all of this, from the very start, it was, that sense of “being found out”, how uncomfortable it could be for me, to expose myself so. My articles are multi-variate, all my emotions are, in them. If a casual acquaintance had read my article and talked to me about it, I’d felt very uncomfortable, like they can, see through into my thoughts and mind. But, even IF I’d, hidden behind my pseudonym, I’d still, got found out by my elders, and, the next time I’d bumped into them, they’d asked me about my writing, “That last article………”, having someone read your published work, should be something good, but, at these moments, I’d felt, that I’d become, the subject of everybody’s after-meal gossips. And, if it was, an elder who’d liked to give out advice on the things I’d written about, it would be, even more, awkward.
I’d loved the many challenges that writing brings to me, but, id’ wanted to, keep this conflicting way of life of “being a show-off, but don’t like the spotlight at all”, or maybe, the easiest way for me, is to, write under ANOTHER pseudonym!
So, the reason why you don’t like people you know to know about your publishing is probably because you felt it was an invasion of privacy, or, maybe, because you’d written, for just you, just to get your thoughts on things written down, a way to express yourself, and, that, is very private, and when someone you know prods you about it, you’d feel, that your privacy was, invaded…