The changes in this woman’s state of mind, translated…
Turns out, she still enjoyed running very much.
For two months, hadn’t run like this, until the sweats rolled down from her forehead, she’d finally, remembered how good it feels, to run like this, it’d, reminded her of this feeling that she’d longed to feel. At the exercise park by the mountains, her weaved running shoes paced on the red bricks of the park, two yellow butterflies, drinking nectar from the flowers around her, the wild ginger flowers’ light scent entered into her nostrils. She’d taken off her shoes, and started running, barefoot, like she was, dancing.
In her freshman year, she’d entered into the line dancing group, and, the older schoolmate had, trained with her on an Israeli dance as a freshman performance of hers the night before the show, she was at the dress rehearsal, and, she’d learned, that she’d needed to dance barefoot and, thought about how the audience will get to see her stubby calves, she felt that shame surface, and, with a mixture of anger and defeat, she’d told her troupe, “I’m not doing it!” She said, her temperament always, burned like the wildfire, that’s turned all those budding sprouts into ashes in an instant.
With her pacing feet, she’d adjusted her breaths, she’d reminded of how in her yoga session, no matter how many times she’d exhaled, her arms always stayed ten inches away from her feet. At this time, she can’t help but remember how back in her fifth-grade grade report, the teacher commented, “If you have some gentleness in you, you would be even better.” At the age of only eleven, how was it, that she’d received such a comment like that from her instructors, don’t know if it’s anything to do with her temperament. But, just like how it’d been predicted, picking up and leaving, became the written scripts of her life.
Back when she fell in love with running, it was when she’d realized, that there was nothing else in her life but her family and children, she couldn’t think up of anything she enjoyed doing, something that she can just, go out, and do.
Running was like a driftwood, giving her a whole breath of fresh air when she’s about to drown. She’d fallen in love with running, with almost NO adjustment period, she’d always thought, that she was, meant to run, that there is now, something that won’t get discarded so easily by her. And yet, as she put on her running shoes, and, became bored and annoyed at how much longer she’d had to run, she couldn’t know, if it’s how long life was to her, or that she’s just, not softened enough, that she’d only had a three-minute attention span to doing things, that, was why she still hadn’t made anything of herself to this day.
reflecting here…not my photograph…
Today, she felt that suffocation coming on again, her husband took the two kids out swimming, so she can have some alone time, or maybe, it was the sun and the clouds being just right, she’d carried absolutely NO expectation, and went out running. After she cleaned herself off from the run she had, she’d gotten out, found a café, took out her laptop. This laptop was given to her by her husband, so she could write at anytime she wanted to. And, it’d, taken her back, to that summer when they’d first started dating, he’d taken her to a café with a balcony, she couldn’t remember what they’d talked about that day, but she remembered how excitedly he talked on, and how she’d just, listened, like how he looked when he brought the laptop to give to her.
Her husband LINED pictures of them at the pool, the children were smiling so radiantly, as if urging her, “Mom, it’s so fun, come too!”, she’d taken a sip of her brown sugar with milk, the brown sugar clutters melted into the milk, the milk slid down into her throat, and she, stayed afloat on the foams. She was, completely, bought by this taste now, in this time when she has to herself, she’d finally gotten the time, to remember what her husband and children felt like to her.
Leaving, it’d, made her remember what love is.
There’s NO exit after she was married and had children. The days grinded her down that she can only, go forward, it’d taught her, that no matter if she wanted to stop, to take a breath, she will need to, keep on trudging, with her tears or her sweats too. Running WAS her driftwood, it’d allowed her to find her self back, but, what taught her to be gentle and soft, was being a mother and a wife. Turns out, the words from her instructor wasn’t telling her to, LOSE her personality after all, but how the instructor felt bad about how she wouldn’t allow herself extra time, to just, flow along with the waves, resting, on that piece of, driftwood.
the requirements to be a modern day woman, not my art…
At the moment, she realized, that she can, keep on, running forever. She seemed to finally understand what her teacher mean, “It would suit you better, if you can soften yourself down”, the next time she goes to yoga, perhaps, she can, become more flexible.
So, this, is how the mind of a woman changes, she’d looked back at her own life, and, realized, that she’d carried on like she had, tough, with her persistence, but now at this time in her life, she’s starting to realize, that hey, maybe, slowing down, softening myself up, not being so high-strung, can be a good thing for me, and, this, is how this woman had, matured as a person.