On Finding Love Again

This woman knows herself well, that, is how she can stay, unaffected, with ALL those noises from the outside, translated…

This is, is probably, a topic a lot of single mothers avoided, at all costs, and there are usually, TWO polarized opinions on the matter, either “you should find someone to look after you and your child” or “for the sake of your child, wait until s/he is older.”  Surely, with the child reliant on you, there’s no way the single mother take her self into consideration when deciding on whether or not to start a relationship.

But this “love” in “finding love again”, had the assumptions of pursuing a love.  Could it be “whether or not to leave this relationship” be the bigger consideration in this sort of “finding love again” scenario?

From when I got pregnant, I broke up with my lover.  It wasn’t like the “norm” with the society, in general, after a woman finds out she’s pregnant, in a well-related couple, they’d immediately start planning a wedding; for a not-close-enough-couple, at least, the woman would want the status of a “rightful wife”, to “let the child have a father”, and, a lot of the soap opera scenes would occur, under these circumstances.

Because of not wanting the troubles from above, I’d respected everybody’s choices from the beginning, especially, with my child on the way, I don’t want any of the adult arguments to affect her.  And now, Mimi Chou is almost seven, in the seven years, although it’s been hard on my body, but on the psychological front, I’m actually, quite comfortable, “raising my child on my own”, enjoying my own independence and freedom; plus, I was able to carry the household economics, to me, I am, currently, living in the season of springtime of my life.  I don’t feel necessary, chasing after romance, or to, give up my own freedom, in the pursuit of love.

But I’m also well aware, this sort of an ability to carry a family on my back, made me compelled to introspect: what’s happened in my past relationships, and what I would need to change about myself—and because I am lazy to explain all of this, I’d used the excuse of “not wanting to get hurt again”, while the real reason behind it is, this long-term being single and free, made me realized that if I get involved with someone, then, I would comply with the other individual endlessly, to make an assortment of compromises, sacrifices too, and become a highly dependent person.  I don’t want to be like that again, and, being an “unwed mother” had made me break the beliefs of “everybody needs to get married.”

And so, for me, the choice of “to have a partner or not” isn’t to make up for what’s lacking in my life, but a consideration of whether or not “romances can defeat reality”: do I love him so much that I’m willing to, give up my own independence, my freedom, to some levels, and change the dependencies of our relationship, and make the adjustments, so the both of us, along with my child, have a brand new and better life?

So, this woman knows herself really well, she’d introspected and found the personality traits that’s kept her single through the years, and, she’s comfortable, where she currently is, raising her daughter, as a single mother, and, nobody outside of her will, tell her that she’s not living her life the way she’s supposed to!


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