On reflections of the self, translated…
I’d freed up my schedule as well as I possibly could, and finally, I’d made it to T, the actor’s final performance, I’d expected him to start crying hard on the last scene, but instead, he’d looked, so very, serious, and I was, the one, crying like crazy. Such an amazing performer, when, will I see you stand on that stage again?
“Every time I went on stage, I’d always felt a bit lost, as I performed, it was, as if, I’d felt some sort of revelation, that everything was real, and yet, after the performances ended, I’d felt, it’s, so unreal.” He’d pressed his ball cap low as he’d told me. That, was the time, that we’d met, when he’d told me, he wanted to, stop performing.
a performer putting on a show on stage, photo from online…
“That, is how drama goes, ‘the magical assumptions’, it’s because you’d gone all in, that, was why you’re so amazing on stage.”
“But this made me feel very vacant, empty. It shouldn’t be normal, it’s not the life I’d wanted.”, he’d lifted his head up, stared, straight at me.
“You can expand your life, other than acting, do something you enjoy. Didn’t you tell me you loved fishing? Go fishing often then.”, I’d told him.
“I’d gotten this reality check, this wake-up call when I went fishing. Let me ask you, did you really grow up to be the adult you’d always wanted to be?”, he’d inquired.
For some unknown reasons, I felt a bit agitated, not wanting to give him a reply. This is such an enormous question, and I thought it had NOTHING to do with whether or not he continued to act or not. I was hurting over, how Taiwan will soon lose, another excellent “voice”, or maybe, a “spokesperson” even, to tell us where the moon is.
taking that bow! Not my photo…
He was the one who’d told me, what a “performer pointing to the moon” was. The dancer, Duncan once stated, that there are, three sorts of dancers: first, ones who’d used dancing as a simple form of exercise; second, ones who’d used their bodies, to make the moves, according to the tempos, and express their feelings through their performances; last, the kind that made ones’ bodies transparent, which allows the audience to see the ups and down inside the performers’ souls. The last kind was what Duncan wanted to become. T told me, for him, there are, just two kinds of actors: in the Japanese shows, there’s a set of moves, relating to the moon, the first type of performer can make the audience feel, that the moves s/he performed, is nothing less than perfection; another kind, only lets the audience see the moon. T told me he’d wanted to be the latter.
take one final bow, and then, it’s, all over, not my picture…
All of a sudden, it’d dawned on me, why he’d wanted to stop acting. T is truly, amazing, too beautiful, with too many qualities that made him into a star, plus his performance skills, outstanding too, every time he stood up on stage, nobody misses him. Even if he’d, minimized himself, it couldn’t fight off that natural sort of attraction that he had. It’s quite ironic, that sort of charisma on stage which every performer sought after, was what T wanted to avoid the most.
“When you identify an object, given it a name, then, the message gets across, and it’d become, valid, so, the characters come to life; otherwise, only the performers were living, the characters they portrayed become like corpses. My audience only always just see me, and not at the moon I was, pointing to.”, he’d told me. I’d totally, disagreed. As a member of his audience, every time I saw him perform, if there was a moon over his head, I can not just see, but also, see that light from the moon, sprinkled, over the top of his head. I will look at his facial expressions, and the moon back and forth, thinking to myself: you are the sort of performer I’d wanted to be. I just hope, that one day, he will return back to the stage again, and, I can finally, answer the very last question he’d tossed to me.
So, this man, is at crossroads in his life, he’d worked in his field of expertise too long that he’d become, somewhat burnt out, and he’d wanted to breakthrough, but, he felt stuck, which is probably why he’d felt the need, to quit what he did, and start anew, working in a totally different field, while this woman he was speaking with sees him in a different light compared to how he’d envisioned himself.