Catch & Release

The meaning of a recurring nightmare, and now, she was finally, get beyond what made her so scared from her younger years, she’s, a grown woman now, translated…

At first, they’d started arguing about minute things that are quite unimportant, but later on, the reactions escalated like a serious allergy reaction, the fires of war burned for days on end, without any moment to spare, the entire house was, filled up with the fuses and the fumes.  Like how a stone that got casted out which was swallowed by air, he’d kept his silence like he usually would, it’d made her felt, as though she was having this fight, with an imaginary enemy, nothing more.

like this?  Not my sketch…

In this awkward atmosphere, life still marched on.  At dusk, she’d entered into the kitchen to cook, and her daughters loud shriek was like an arrow, into her heart, she’d immediately turned off the faucet, exited the kitchen, her daughter had already, ran from behind her, using her arms, drew out the biggest possible circle she knew how, “Mom, there is this HUGE spider in my room, thankfully, daddy went in and took care of it.”  And, after that, she’d, vanished in a jiffy, to see the remains of that unwelcomed guest.

She’d turned on the faucet again, the water started pouring down, and, although her hands were in the wash basin, cleaning up the rice, her thoughts still churned and turned, like the broiling water.  After ten, she’d had the recurring dreams of a spider web, with an assortment of insect that mistakenly, entered into that death trap, and worked hard, to wiggle their stuck bodies, to get away, from that dark shadow that approaches them quicker and quicker, and yet, her dreams always ended, at the moment, when the spider had its pinchers around the preys, maybe, it’s her subconscious that’s, protecting that ten-year-old young girl, from bearing witness to the violence.

At the age of ten, before her home was foreclosed by the courts, her mother had finally had it with her father, who’s a habitual gambler, left home, and, her father, who’d dodged the collectors during the daytime, would only come home late at night stealthily, back then, she and her sisters were already asleep, and, after weathering the nights of people, banging so loudly on their doors, they’d pretended that nobody was there, in that room with the lights still on, falling asleep.  Finding a hiding place in the dreams, helped them forget the fears in their realities.  A spider with long legs stealthily, entered into the three young girls who were without adult care, played the game of hide-and-seek with them in the mansion, his name sounded like a fierce monster, so long as the monster appeared, they’d run, helplessly and flustered, from this room to another.

Later, that spider and that mansion both, disappeared out of her life.  Later on, they’d lived in and out of multiple rental homes, and perhaps, it’s that they’d not spent enough time in each of the places, so she’d not bumped into any more of those fierce critters again.  Until she saw it again, at the place of her first love, she didn’t even have the time to feel shocked, her lover used his agility, killed it with a broom.  When they were in love, this sort of a heroic act was, so luring, but she’d become, just like that spider, swept, out of the world, and that, was when she realized, just how awful it is, to kill something with just one strike.

As she’d placed the foods she’d prepared to the supper table, she’d looked over at that bag of coffee beans with the ammunition scent coming from it lying there, quietly, on the tables, that fuse he wasn’t willing to take the round way to get in the after work traffic, still gone around the block, and presented itself to her, he’d still, kept his quiet, just kept doing what he did, and waited, for her to discover his actions, just like how after the marriage, he’d put up with her neediness, and waited until she’d filled her heart back up.

permanently, INKED onto the child’s walls as she sleeps, not my photo…

That supper table that’d become frozen for days on end, reignited in her daughter’s constant questioning, turns out, that spider didn’t die, it was just placed inside a bag, and took out by him to release away from home.  She had yet to know how to disarm the weapons on her face, silently heard the story of spider, in the laughter of the daughter and father, that scary creature that’s shocked her so once, didn’t seem to suck the air out of her anymore.

She’d guessed, that she will, dream of that web again tonight, it’d been so many years now, perhaps, she’s, grown enough, to fight off those dark shadows, and there was one who needed her to protect, and, even IF there were, so many things that were behind that dark shadow, but she’s no longer that helpless, fragile who waited for rescue that she once was anymore.

That, was when she’d found, that those silks that’s entangled her in, was from her own mouth, the silks had, been weaved, into the nightmares one by one, and, her eyes became misty and wet while she was, spitting out the silks, that she’d, entangled herself in.

So, it’d taken this woman, so long, to finally realized, that she’d been, entangled by her own past, and, that, was why she’d dreamed of that spider which symbolized her greatest fears from her younger years, and, as she’d become an adult, because she didn’t fully DEAL with everything yet, that spider still haunted her dreams, until she’d realized, that she is NO longer that helpless child she’d been, when she’d encountered that scary spider for the very first time in her childhood years anymore.

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