The Heart of a Man

This has nothing to do with NATURE, it’s all, nurture, or, socialization, if you want to see it as that, translated…

“It’s not that Men Don’t Cry/It’s that We Hid Ourselves Away When We Cried/We’d Rather Stand on Bended Knees Than to Smile and Kneel/Men are Also Like Flowers/ Feared the Raging Wind & Rain/Who Can See the Scars Behind Our Forced Strengths………”, a short while ago, this song played on the radio, and it’d, moved me, the singer had a raspy, low voice, but, he’d sung out the hearts of men.

illustration from the papers online…圖/Swawa

A lot of men since they were growing up were taught “Boys don’t Cry”, which caused them to NOT relieve themselves through their tears when they’re in pain. Like that time I’d watched my husband as he worked hard, held back his tears, how I’d, wanted to tell him, “Hon, just cry it out!”

Recalling how when I just had my son, how he’d cried so very hard, the nurse smiled and told me, “hmmmmmmmmmmmm, such a healthy boy!”, I cried out of joy in the bed. My son’s tears were, the show of the strength of life, and my tears were from being touched as a witness to how strong life can be.

During the time when he was still quite young, not knowing how to speak, he’d cried the various cries to let me know if he’d needed to be fed, if he was wet, or if he just, wanted to cuddle. Once he had a fever, he’d not gotten fussy, just fell silent, and I’d worried through the night. As he got older, he’d learned to walk and run, and tripped and hurt himself, when he’d felt defeated in school or at work, I’d used my warm smile, to wipe away this boy’s tears.

Darwin said once, that crying is a special form of expressions that humans have. That tears are a natural born emotional expression for us humans, that it’s not a specialty for women, nor should it be interpreted as a man being weak.

It’s just, that we’re all, bound by the traditional belief, as boys became men, they’d swallowed everything hard in life down, not used to talking about their problems, didn’t know how to find an outlet, and, as the trials of life and the pressures accumulated, they’d not just put themselves in trial, also their families too.

As a mother, it was, easy for me to know what my little man was feeling; as a wife, it’d become, quite difficult, for me to help get inside of the man I loved, as he was experiencing his emotions.

He’s just like that book by the Japanese M.D.’s character, Mr. B, never shared anything that’s going on in his life or work with his own wife, and had often, sat dumbfounded in front of the television. As his wife inquired, he’d blurted, “It’s not like you can understand”, which severed off ALL forms of communication between him and his own wife.

I’d once openly spoken of my displease or worries over my husband, he’d worked hard, to tell me what he was going through too, and yet, it’s like, there’s, still this, huge MOUNTAIN that blocked us, or perhaps, it wasn’t in his nature to rant, and in the end, he’d, stared at the television in the late night hours on his own. Because the thoughts of wanting to exchange with him how I felt kept echoing, but he just, shuts down completely. If he’s willing to open up, I’ll, lend a helping ear; and if he doesn’t, I’ll just, quietly, accompany him.

People often say, that “women are like flowers, needed the love and care”, but aren’t men so too? A different species of flower, with a varied growth environment, with their different needs, we’d just need to, follow the nature way of things, and, eventually, all things wither away, there’s no need to force anything.

As I saw him, frowning, with that lost look on his face, I’d known, that he’s, healing himself up, and I’d not intruded into his personal space, learned to give him the space and quiet he’d needed. That day, I’d not said anything, just, handed him a box of tissues, and a cup of tea, and like I always had, I’d, hugged him, to show, that I’m, there for him.

And so, this, is strictly, DUE to SOCIALIZATION, men and women are socialized to value different things, and that, is what’s caused these macho behaviors in a lot of men, and like the husband of this woman, he just, doesn’t open up, but thankfully, his wife knew him well, and knew, that he just needed the time, to sort things through on his own, so, she just, quietly, accompanies by his side.

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The Unspoken Secrets

Why I lied to you, it’s all, to keep the family smooth, and it’s, for your own good too! Translated…

Although the wedding vows said we shall be truthful, without deceit, but, there are just, so many unspoken secrets that a husband and a wife will have in their daily lives!

For instance, my husband is a total neat freak when it comes to his car, and, he’d allowed me to drive the kids out using this extra long van, but, this eight, to nine seated large van, with only the two of us, mother and daughter, it’s a waste of gas money, and space, and, we’d, totally bored ourselves out, driving out, just the two of us!

And from time to time, to make our daughter happy, I couldn’t let my husband know, that I’d, driven my daughter and her friends out on his car. As the children had a happy time, after I got home, I’d immediately, cleaned up the car, to get rid of any and ALL physical evidence.

And, my husband has a higher blood pressure, is very stout and round-shaped, the doctor reminded him repeatedly, to eat less salt, to reduce the meats, the oils, and exercise more, and now, I couldn’t tell him, that I was, going to take our son, who’s in a growth spurt to get something yummy to eat, because if he can only hear about it, and not actually had the foods, it would made it even more painful, on his way to getting his blood pressure lowered, this is considered, a form of, emotional abuse, don’t you know!

And there’s one more scenario, that I’d needed to, keep my lips sealed—when I buy the beauty products. The experts in beauty said it so well, “There are only lazy women, and NO ugly women”, all those cleaning, whitening, wrinkle reducing, SPF sun blocks, etc., etc., etc., we’d needed a bottle each. And, even as to men, they see no differences in these products that we use, but every time my husband noticed how my skin became smoother, I couldn’t help it, but spend all my spare money on these products.

And I’d also needed to, clean up my husband’s study secretively as well, because he’d not liked it when other people moved his things, and so, I can only, wait until he’s away, to move the books out of place to clean up, then, put the books back exactly as I’d found them before. In order to help him with his nasal allergies, I’d insisted going into his study secretively, to clean it all up.

There are just, too many unspoken secrets between my husband and I, sometimes, we just don’t talk about it, it’s just, that after it’s done, it’s better than having said it.

So, this, is how this couple was able to, keep their marriage going, because the wife omitted things from the husband, because she knew it’d displeased him, and she tried to make the family function better, that, is why we all have those smaller secrets that we keep, isn’t it???

Pay Attention to Me More, Honey!

You should’ve just TOLD him what you’d needed from him, instead of throwing hints here and there, hoping that he might pick up on it, translated…

My Husband’s working late again, after he’d returned home, we’d interacted casually, he’d returned to playing his cell phone, and I, back to my books. A little while later, I’d, felt, a little bored, I’d walked in front of him, teased, “Do you notice anything different about me today?” Actually, I’d look as I always had, there’s no chance I could’ve, gained the weight in one day, could I? He’d lifted his head, his eyes lit up, replied, “Yeah, I saw it already, you’d gotten a perm, very fluffy, looks good on you!”

Perm? Perm my ASS! I hadn’t gone to the salon for a whole year to date, this man, he’d, never, looked at me straight. I’d rolled my eyes at him, “No perm! I’d just washed my hair, and dried it almost completely, it’s because I didn’t tie it up in a ponytail!” “Oh, no wonder you look, so exotic!”, Hmmmmmmmmm, he’d felt guilty, and was able, to turn the wheels in his own favors!

A short while ago, my ankle hurt, I’d gone to the hospitals, it’d not worked, and I’d gone to the bonesetters, and, had a ton of herbal medicines wrapped around my ankle, I’d limped very funny. In the evenings, my husband was sitting by the tables, reading the brochures from various marts.

Looking as I had, he must feel, awful for me? I’d, intentionally walked slowly, dragged myself across his way, hey, did he not see me? I’d gone back, did it again, nope, still not looking! Could it be, there were, babes in bikini in the ads? He’d not even looked at me through the corners of his eyes? So infuriating, I’d gone before his eyes a couple more times, man, he’d still, not seen! He’s, changed, no longer, cared for me as much now, woe is me, I’d gotten angered the whole night by myself.

The very next morn, he’d hurried off to work, still hadn’t, noticed my foot, this, is outrageous! I won’t do it again, I’d, gone up, and blocked him, and looked like I was, mistreated for years on end, pointed toward my own feet. He’d finally, lowered his gaze, and hollered aloud, “How serious is this! Must’ve hurt a whole lot”, I’d muffled my voice, said, “yeah, it’d hurt from last night to now, nobody showed any care of concerns, my heart ached even harder, the bonesetters wrapped it up in such a bulge and you still didn’t see!” He knew that it was his fault, and started buttering me up, “oh, honey, you’re, so extraordinarily beautiful, you’d not allowed me enough time to take a closer look at your face, I couldn’t even find the time, to drift my gazes to your feet!”, and even as I’d, still felt angry, there was, no way, I could’ve, carried on, scolding him.

Men, only has those lips of sugar, and sometimes, the words that flowed out of them, don’t believe it! Isn’t there, a saying: you’d rather believe in ghosts, than to trust the words coming out of a man’s mouth!

So all of this woman’s actions, were to make her husband notice how she’d, injured her foot, I don’t understand why you women (nope, still NOT one of you!!!) do that! Why don’t you, just tell your men exactly WHAT you want them to do (one command, one action, remember???), and besides, the male and female brains work, quite differently, and even IF you were married, for AGES, that still doesn’t mean, that you two know each other, like one another’s hands!

My Husband, Mr. Clean

A story of marriage, translated…

I’m a worshipper of lazy, I’d rarely put things back where I’d found them, every time I couldn’t find them, I’d just hollered, then, my mother would use her strong scanner to find every single thing back, no exceptions. She was especially insistence on cleanliness, as the winter sun showed its face, she couldn’t wait to take all the sheets, all the quilts, as well as the pillows to the wash, and afterwards, she’d taken the things to the backyard to get them dried by the sun. I’d chuckled at her actions, said that it was a total waste of time—and, keeping the house clean, had never made it to my to-do-list in life.

After I married and started my own family, I’d finally rid myself of my mother’s nagging, I thought, I finally get to live how I wanted to. But, things still didn’t work out, perhaps, the heavens were, disgusted with how unkempt I am, and sent a Mr. Clean to me. And since, my life’s been, a living nightmare.

As I’d come home, I was told, to wash my hands, especially with children in the house, we must take preventive measures against E.coli, I’d agreed; secondly, I’d needed to, take all my clothes off and change, into another set of outfit before I am allowed to sit on the couch, as there are, germs on our clothes, fine, I’ll, live with that too. But, Mr. Clean also made the rules of not setting foot on the living room floor before I showered, whenever I’d set foot upstairs, he’d sounded the warnings: “Don’t step on the floors!”, and so, I can only, walk on my knees, to get my clothes out of my room. Isn’t home supposed to be a place where I can relax? Why do I feel like I’m being quarantined here?

查看來源圖片like this???  Photo from online…

The summers get hot, washing my hair, showering by the day, that’s, a necessity, but, must we wash our hair by the day in the winters too? The answer, “YES!”, reasons? There are dusts that our hair may carry, even as I’d just gotten my perms, I was told, to get my hair washed, and I’d told him, that I’d needed the stabilizers in my hair to keep it set, he still refused to budge, and if I don’t do it, then, he’d, nagged on endlessly the whole night through. I’d never bought pricy shoes, and, the rate of them getting torn up, quite high, because he’d scrubbed my shoes outside and left them out to dry nightly; before we go to bed, he’d wash everything, the pots, the pans, the plates, the dishes again all over once more, and I’d already cleaned them after I’d made supper, but in Mr. Clean’s beliefs, I’m a cook, who can’t clean anything. I’m suspecting, that in a past life, he may have been a raccoon, and perhaps, he’d, carried the memories of that life with him this time around!

Time flew, in the over decade long we’d been married, in the hard work of Mr. Clean, our house was, spotless. As for me? I’d still believed, that “we should waste our life on more precious things”, still kept to my laziness in cleaning. Seeing, how I was, never going to, live up to his standards, he could only, give up, on reforming me, other than cooking, he’d done every other household chore himself.

If the husband and wife have varied personalities, and if we’d started fighting on every little thing we disagreed on, life will turn to hell; if we can change our thoughts, correct our own attitudes and behaviors, and use the distance and the space, to make ourselves more tolerant of one another, and treat the rules flexibly, then, every day is a good day, everything is wonderful, and, we’re, living in heaven.

illustration from the papers online…我是一個懶惰主義者,物品極少歸位,每當它們失去蹤影,只要開口求援,母親便會用她強...

With a Mr. Clean in my house, I’d not gotten bogged down by the ordinary rulings of the dusts and the dirt, I guess, it’s, an alternative sort of blessing. We both have our good qualities, we’d kept to our separate posts, keep this household running well; loving each other’s good qualities, and help one another shine with the good qualities that we have, we also shine ourselves, making life better.

And this, is how this couple had, adapted to one another in the marriage, the husband is too cleanly, too anal, but the wife had, learned to adjust her own ways, because she wanted the marriage to work, and, marriage is always a give-and-take, and compromises needed to be made, in order, for the two of you to get along better.

The Grass is Always Greener

the grass is always greener 的圖片結果like this???  Photo from online…

On getting along in love, in family, on knowing yourselves, translated…

Yi-Hwa was, once again, missing from our reunion. Everybody believed that I was closest to her, and asked me why she didn’t show? Actually, it’d been, very difficult, for me, to just, meet up with her these days.

At the beginning of last year, we’d carried on in conversation in her million-dollar decorated home, Yi-Hwa wore her frown so deep, with so many knots inside of her. Her mother-in-law gives her a hard time every single day, and her husband always, sided with his own mother, her own parents were, demented, like, the layers, of the heavy burdens were, all on top of her. The studio she had in her house, where she’d painted and written calligraphy in, it’d, no longer, give her any pleasures anymore.

“We’d discussed divorce.” Yi-Hwa told me lightly. They were in love for seven long years before they’d wed, they were, the it couple in everybody’s belief, and, he’d, said such an awful thing, it was, truly, shocking to us all! “My husband is too complying as a son!”, could it be, that her husband was, divorcing her, on his own mother’s pleas?

Just like the primetime soaps, thankfully, they were both, rational about the matter, they’d not really, gotten divorced.

“I regretted not working the most after I married”, Yi-Hwa has a husband who’d earned a lot of money, she’d taken herself to an assortment of talent courses, picked up on a lot of hobbies, this was what I, a working housewife envied the most about her; can’t believe, that my working hard every single day in the workforce, was he dream, of her, who’d been, blessed with being taken care of.

There was a Japanese female writer who wrote, “The Neighbor’s Lawn”, it was about how everybody always envied someone else, felt, that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I don’t know if this would be fitting with my and Yi-Hwa’s situations in life, but when I’m stressed out about money for the family, I’d become, very envious of Yi-Hwa, who’d never needed to worry over money; and as Yi-Hwa was trapped in the hardships of getting along with her mother-in-law, she’d, envied how I can work outside my home, to dispose of herself being labeled as unproductive.

how it looked, photo from online…查看來源圖片

Turns out, nothing is perfect in the world, if everybody looks at what they’d lacked, aren’t we all, making troubles for ourselves? We all have different lessons we’re to learn in life, so, let us, put up all our worries, and cherish what we have already.

And, that, is how we all want what we don’t have, and, we’re, always, envying someone else, because unless we live their lives, we don’t know the hardships in someone else’s life.

The Couple Who’d Been Married for Twenty Years are Now, Estranged

A marriage that’s, slowly, freezing up, oh wait, it’d become, frozen SOLID, and now you want to, thaw it out??? A Q&A, translated…

Q: He’d Kept Wearing that Soured Face Towards Me, is There Still a Chance, to Salvage What’s Left of My Marriage?

Mrs. H had, lived for twenty years in this freezing weather of her marriage, she’d originally thought that she’d become totally numbed out, but recently, she’d started, contemplating, how she can better the interactions with her husband.

Her husband never fought with her, but every time he was displeased, he’d started the cold wars with her; and, even sometimes, what’ had angered him had nothing to do with H, something with his own family of origin, or something at the office, he’d still pulled H into his own storms. Naturally, sometimes, it was the kids, or her who’d made him upset, but no matter what happened, H’s husband treated her as if she were invisible. And after some time, H can only, keep her distance, and, tried to spend as little time as she possibly could with him, even encouraged him to find someone else to love.

查看來源圖片where we’ll be, if things don’t change…not my photo…

Twenty years had, passed like this, from the beginning, when H had, walked of eggshells too carefully, to now, she’d learned, to completely, ignore her husband’s existence. It’s just, she’s not happy in this sort of an interaction with him in the marriage, and she wants to know, if there was something she can do, to change this.

A My Advice

This marriage had begun imbalanced, the husband didn’t fight, didn’t get loud, and, it’d, made his wife scared. If you two were in love before you were married, didn’t he use this before? If it’d started after you two were married, I think, that if communications work, it would’ve, worked, but H had stimulated him, by telling him to cheat on her, I really can’t tell what had happened between them from before. If H wanted to improve her relationship with her husband, she could lower herself and have a heart-to-heart with him, tell your husband that you weren’t happy, that you’d wanted to change, and if he’s willing to go to couple’s counseling, that’s, even better. And, I can only give these advices to you, based off of what I received. H, do open up your heart, and communicate with your husband.

And so, this probably still did NOT happen overnight, it must’ve been how they’d interacted with each other from the beginning, it’s just that from before, there were, things diverting this husband and wife’s attention, work, children, families, etc., etc., etc., that they’d, failed to notice, but now as they’re growing older, and it’s, just the two of them, things started becoming, obvious, and, the husband and wife really DO need to sit down and talk, otherwise, divorce will be the only VIABLE option.

Lived Our Lives in Agony

Misery still loves company, doesn’t it???

We’d, lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, and sometimes, my agony would get in the way of your better days, and bring them back down, and sometimes, your agony would, put a damper on my originally brighter moments too.

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, agony had become, this vital part of this life we’d, come to share, and although we both knew, it wasn’t good for us, but, neither one of us was willing to, take it out, because we didn’t like changes.

happening almost daily, not my photograph

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, and now, I’d, finally had it with all of this, agony, and you too, maybe, without the agony, you would be better suited for me, but, agony was, that common thread, that’s, bound us to one another.

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, I don’t know why, but I’m thinking that this, isn’t, good for me one bit, and yet, I can’t find enough motivations, to take that first step toward changing this ditch situation I got stuck in.