Shared My Bed with a Ghost

I had, shared my bed with a ghost, for years on end, it wasn’t lately, I’d started, feeling “her” presence, and how she’d, put that huge DAMPER on our relationship.

She was your first love, the one that broke your heart to pieces, and now, she’s completely, GONE, only, that she really wasn’t, quite completely, gone yet, oh no, you’d, allowed her memories, to linger on.  After we began, I’d heard you mentioned her name, and, it didn’t bother me, until we moved in together (cohabiting before the marriage is still NOT a good idea!!!), and then, she’d started, haunting, various aspects of my life with you.

remembering the one that got away, surely is, painful all right…not my comic…

And now, I’d, shared my bed with a GHOST, for years on end, without even knowing it for so god DAMN long.  I’m just, tired of hearing you tell and retell those former stories of that old flame that’s, left that SCORCH mark on your heart, and yet, I’d still, worked my HARDEST, to ease the damages she’d caused in you, and yet, it was, of NO avail, because I’m so tired, just so god DAMN F***ING (maxed out???) tired, of competing with a god DAMN ghost, and, if she’s that wonderful, why don’t you go back to her?  Oh yeah, she’s, no longer who she was, that young, innocence girl who fell for you, and, here’s that NEWSFLASH (REALITY CHECK anyone???) you are in need of: she got OVER you, while you’re, still, so hung up on her.

And this is bad for me because?  Oh yeah, I am with STUPID (here’s YOUR S-I-G-N!!!), and, perhaps, I’m just, waiting for the effects of whatever the F*** (maxed out???) this had been, to finally WEAR off, then, move on, and, you’ll be left, with MY memories, haunting you, as you found another woman to love, to be with……letting go of a broken heart 的圖片結果like this???  Not my photogaph…

And, it’s, ALWAYS better, to be the one that got away, because, by being the one that “got away”, we get to, come back, at any time we want to, to plague the minds, and, we, a group of “the ones that got away”, will keep on, haunting the ones that let us go, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever (that’s long enough, isn’t it???).

 

 

 

 

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Love Was, Never Here…

Love was, never here, to begin with, so, why are we, searching for something that was, NEVER in existence between us???  Love was, never here, we just, thought it was, but, it wasn’t, love we thought we’d, found, it was, something, entirely, different from love.

Love was, never here, there’s no use, trying to find it now, if it had been here, it’s now, long dead, AND gone, and, resuscitating it back to life, it’s just, NOT the right thing to do, we should just, let it, die, with what’s left, of ITS dignity intact!

Love was, never here, and it will, NEVER be here, the closest we’d ever come to love, was that, one-night stand, that resulted in an illegit, that I’d, aborted, because there’s, NO way, you’ll, take responsibilities for what you had done, and, there’s, NO way I’m able to, raise this child on my own, so, it’s best, that I’d, MURDERED it (no gender-specifications???).

Love was, never here, and it’s, never been here, we just, thought that it was, as we’d, made this, picture-perfect home for it to reside in, but, it was, never here, and so, we are now, left with, this, emptiness, shared, between us both.

Love was, never here…was it?  Nope, so, why am I, still here???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love No Longer Lived Under This Roof…

Love’s been out, since the day we moved in, it no longer lived under this roof…

Love no longer lived under this roof, and, there’s, NO way of, ever getting it back again!  Love no longer lived under this roof, and I began wondering, WHY we had, moved into this space that formerly belonged to love?  Were we so desperate, that we’d needed to, KICK love out (as this place is too small, for all “three” of “us”???), in order, to live here, comfortably?

love moved out 的圖片結果what it’d, looked like, not my picture…

Love no longer lived under this roof, and, it’s time, that I’d started, accepting that as a F-A-C-T, ‘cuz once love moved out, well, it’s, all over for us, there’s simply, NOTHING keeping you connected to me, or me connected to you anymore, and so, we’d, broken up, as love moved out of here!

Love no longer lived under this roof, but how is that possible, we’d, moved in, on the prerequisite, that love stays here, and, on our rental agreement, love’s, signed that it won’t go, and yet, it’s, ditched us both, how awful!!!

Love no longer lived under this roof, and I guess, I need to, accept that, as a FACT, because there ain’t NO chance that I will ever, have love back in here with me again………

love had, “shape-shifted”, to loss…not my photograph…

 

 

 

 

 

The Accounts of L-O-V-E

I’d started, making a draft (for my next, masterpiece, perhaps???) of ALL the love I’d been in, and, I thought back, to my first heartache and heartbreak (it’s always the very first that’s unforgettable, and the one that got away, isn’t it???), and, all those, already buried more than six-feet-under emotions, as well as the memories of our better, AND worse times, all came rushing back up, to the surfaces, it’d, overwhelmed me, so much so, that I’d become, frozen (in something!), and just, couldn’t move!pages of a book 的圖片結果not my photograph…

It took me, a very long time, to gather myself together again, and, I’d, had to, drop this recollection of my first love, ‘cuz it was, too emotional for me, to relive through all of it again, so, I’d started, with the one that I’d found, then lost, after the first………

I just started, writing, without knowing what I was writing, the words just, poured out, onto my computer screens, and I’d, typed, continually, for seven days, seven nights, until, no more words came to my mind.  My inspiration, finally, ran dry!

remembering what we’d gone through in love???  Not my photograph…

As I gathered up these hundreds of thousands (and no, I’m still NOT EXAGGERATING here!!!) pages worth of rough draft (yes that, was what this called, the INITIAL draft!  And, imagine the HELL I would have to go through, as I revised!!!), I’d found something, in these, passing glances of these, so-called loves I’d been in: there was, that set pattern, we’d met, I’d fallen in, and, something happened, then, my heart, it’d, checked out, before ALL else (my body, my mind, my soul???) could catch UP, and that, was how, each and every one of these, lost love had, ended………

And now, I’d, gathered these, accounts of love, and, just, pushed the papers, into the bottommost desk drawer of mine, and soon, I’d, forgotten, about ALL these, past love, and, I’m, ready, for my next, brand new adventure in love.  I just, hope, that this brand new love I will soon find, won’t end, like all of my past loves!

 

 

 

 

Her Mother After Her Death

Realizing, how her mother really HAD, loved her, after her mother’s death, translated…

As Yue-Ching Feng looked up toward her own mother’s photo on the shrines, it seemed, as though, someone, chipped off pieces of her heart, she’d started, hyperventilating, couldn’t talk, tears showered downward.  Her mother looked very peaceful, with the wrinkles smoothed over, pale complexion, you couldn’t tell she’s seventy-six.  A month and a half after the funeral, Yue-Ching became lost, normally, she’d worked, with full zest, gone out to dine at the gourmet restaurants, traveled a lot, during those month-and-a-half, she couldn’t, produce enough energy to do anything at all.  For the ten years that followed, she’d often asked herself, why did her mother’s death bring so much pain to her?  Because she wasn’t, that close, to her mother at all.

In her college days, she’d read “the Heart Mandala” by Ai-Lin Chang, the writer described the Iraqi Complex so well, it’d, convinced her.  However, being deadlocked in a relationship triangle with her parents, it’s, nothing, comparing.  During her teenage years, Yueh-Ching was very pretty, very active, laughed and talked with her parents, and would play coy with her father every single day, and her mother always, smiled that tolerant smile toward them both.  Back then, her older brother in his high school year was closer to her mother, the two of them would always go to movies together, and afterwards, engaged in discussions of the films for days on end.

As her parents turned sixty-five, her older brother had set up his own family in the U.S., and would take his wife, and his son back to Taiwan, and for Yueh-Ching, who’d gotten divorced and returned back to being single, she’d found a job back home in Taichung, went home three days of the week, bought the groceries, and cooked, took her parents’ blood pressure readings.  At age forty, Yueh-Ching learned to be tolerant.  She’d discovered that as her mother entered into the elderly years, she’d become, reliant on her father completely, not just in the body and mind, but the soul too, on the one hand, she’d become weakly, and needed his looking after, on the other, Yueh-Ching thought, that it may be like the movies, how her father was her mother’s first love, and her last too.  And so, Yueh-Ching tried not to talk to her father alone, every time she’d wanted to say something, she’d, spoken, to both of them, to make her mother felt, that her father, belonged, to solely, her.

So, she wasn’t, that close at all, to her own mother growing up.  After her mother died, every now and then, memories of her mother would, surface.  A day after her mother’s forty-seventh birthday, Yueh-Ching made her way home, her father was out.  Her mother just got her cataracts fixed for two weeks, her eyes looked brighter, her silky silvery hair, made her looked, spirited.  Her mother took out a small wooden box, with four rings inside, two brooches, she’d placed the wooden box into Yueh-Ching’s hands, said, “I’d given you some from before, now, the rest will be all yours, I’d given your sister-in-law her share when she married.  I’d only brought about a dozen items as I came over from China.  But, the most precious emerald pendant, I’d sold, I couldn’t, give it to you.  Such a shame.  You know what?  Twenty odd years ago, when you and him got married, as we’d, settled on the dowries?  But, your mother-in-law came to me in secrecy, and demanded $200,000N.T.’s, said that you’re older than her son, so, I’d, sold it.   I’d not told you, fearing it may, put a damper on your relationship to your husband, but what I worried more was, what would your mother-in-law tell her son.”  Her mother was right on, four short years after they’d married, he’d had a change of heart.  Thinking hard on her mother’s words, she’d felt, how much shame her mother bore for her sake, how she’d worried over her.

Six months after her mother died, Yueh-Ching started sorting through the photos of the funeral, and found, that there were, a TON of people who’d come, to pay their final respects, her father’s subordinates before he’d retired, her older brother’s classmates, her coworkers, classmates, her mother’s mahjong buddies, her classmates from Tai-Chi.  And, they’d all seem, to have sat in front of the shrine for a long time.  That was, odd, as most people, including herself, would just bow out of respect, then, leave.  She’d recalled, how no matter who it was that came over to her home to visit, after her mother put out the teas, she’d always, sat down, to converse with the guests, she’s elegant, the guests all talked a lot, and they’d, felt good.  Her mother was the daughter of a rich family back in China, and Yueh-Ching had, often, overlooked her mother’s charm, she was way too, self-centered.

Started when she’d gone to college in the north, graduated, started working away from home, to when she got married at twenty-eight, she would receive a package from her mother once every three, four months, with a dress, tailor made to her figure, she’d put these on out of habit.  Recalling, each and every one of these dresses was, very fitted, the material was good, and the style, fashionable.  She’d imagined how careful her mother was, picking out the materials, and she’d paid heed to the fashionable styles too, and instructed the seamstress how to make it herself, for the sake, of making her own daughter look beautiful.

Five years since her mother passed, one evening, she was accompanying her father watching television, it was a documentary about venomous snakes, the black tree cobra in it made Yueh-Ching recalled something that happened when she was only four.  The first home her parents had, the place where her and her older brother was born in, was a Japanese-style house by the foot of the hills.  As she sat in the yard, playing with her dolls underneath the trees.  Out of the blue, her mother screamed, “Ching-Ching, don’t move!”, her mother’s body came very quickly toward her, she’d used that ironclad coal sorter she had in her hand, started, hitting the ground just a meter from where Yueh-Ching was repeatedly, Yueh-Ching saw that her mother was hitting a black, shiny, worm the length of a chopstick, so many times, that worm twisted for a bit, then, became, stiff.  Her mother dropped the fork, grabbed Yueh-Ching, pulled her close, in her mother’s arms, she’d felt her mother, trembling.  Her mother, who was usually scared of a cockroach, in order to protect her, had killed a centipede that’s very large.

Her mother had died for ten years, and Yueh-Ching is already sixty, entered, into the elderly years.  One day at the crack of dawn, she’d dreamed that she swam like a mermaid, in the depth of the ocean, saw a huge clam, it’d opened up the shells, there seemed to be, a golden colored pearl the size of a ping pong ball.  At this time, the rooster crowed, between dreaming and awake, Yueh-Ching saw her mother’s face, only ten centimeters away from her, smiling at Yuen-Ching, the way she’d looked, that day as she’d handed her the wooden box full of her things.  Was it her mother, waiting for her for ten years, for Yueh-Ching, to feel her love, to finally, meet up with her again?

So, this woman’s mother DID love her, it’s just that back when she was younger, she couldn’t appreciate how her mother loved her, and, she’d realized, just how much her mother truly cared for her, and found closure, from her mother’s death, knowing, that she really, loved her very much.

As the Thoughts of Goodbye Left My Mind…

I’m still, hung up, on our goodbyes, but, as I took that drive, down to the coastlines, the wind in my hair, it’d, taken away the thoughts…

As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I felt them, sticking to my mind, as I’d, pried them out one by one, they’d all, refused, to go!  As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I don’t know what I’ll do without them.  I’d, always lived, with the thoughts of goodbye on my mind, and, it’s, NOTHING easy, for something that’s so, stubbornly STUCK, to get wiped from my mind.

not my photo…

As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I can’t help, but wonder, why were they were in the first place?  As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, there would be, NO more of that goodbye left, inside that shot glass, after THIS round…………

As the thought of goodbye left my mind, well, they’re, gone now!  And, they ain’t, NEVER comin’ back, just like I’m, NEVER comin’ back, from leaving you behind!

 

 

 

 

Another Lie Out of You

That’s IT!  I’d, HAD it with your L-I-E-S!

Another lie out of you, I will NEVER believe, I’d believed you, for too god DAMN long (at the expenses of ME!) already, and, it’s time, that I KNOCKED myself, OUT of this high-chair that I’d, sat in, for all these years on end.

yup, it’s, exactly like that!  Not my photo.

Another lie out of you, how long, can you, keep this up?  I’d, wanted to test that “theory” of mine, which was why, I hadn’t, BUSTED your stories Y-E-T?  And, I just, keep on, waiting for the day, you finally, TOLD me the truth, and yet, you just, keep on assuming (which makes you into???  Yeah, uh, we should ALL get THAT by now, shouldn’t we?) that I don’t know…

Another lie out of you, I won’t have it, I’m already, checked out, auf wiedersehen, adios, adieu, addio, sayonara, do svidaniya, au revoir, see ya, wouldn’t wanna BE ya! 

There will, NEVER be, another L-I-E out of you, because, you don’t exist in MY god DAMN world, and I still reside here, in this, big, ol’ world of mine, with me, myself, and I, and the “three of us”, are still, very much in L-O-V-E, feel free to see this as a Narcissistic RELAPSE if you will………

like this…not my picture…