Aunty Who Loves to Paint

How this woman was, able to overcome the trials of her life by taking up a hobby, the features of a woman, translated…

As the children became independent, the aunty who’s already past fifty thought that she could, finally, graduate from her roles of a “good mother” and a “good wife”, but, my uncle fell ill suddenly, it’d, messed everything up. For the futures they’re to have after retirement, my aunt knew she couldn’t leave the workforce yet, but this didn’t stop her from mapping out her dreams.

She’d loved dancing and singing, and has a talent in art too. I’d seen her, so focused as she sketched things onto the papers, and her work consisted of classics and modern, she’d even had an exhibit with her friends who shared the same love for art. Seeing how my aunt stood in front of her canvas, in smiles, I’d felt, she looked, so radiant.

Is it because she’s not willing to lose the passions she has for her life? I’m truly in awe, of her energies, every time I’d visited or called her, I couldn’t help but ask her, when she will be showing her new work, or at least, to post them on FB so her friends and families can look at the works. And, perhaps the road to help my uncle recover is long, but I give my best wishes to my aunt, hoping, that as she gets older, her life will, be colorful as ever.

This is very important, as this article had shown, to have something you’re, really into doing, like for this woman, she has her art, and, if she didn’t have it, she will become resentful toward the things that’s happened in her life, and she’s going to have a very difficult time as she gets older, but gladly, she has a hobby, to keep her going.

Advertisements

Getting to Know the Shadows of Our Emotions

The psychology of the SELF, DISSECTIONS, start N-O-W, translated…

As We Became Trapped by Our Negative Emotions, the Contents Locked Inside Our Unconscious, Parts of Our Selves We Don’t Accept Fully, It’d Caused Our Logic to Go Wrong, and Made Us Feel Catastrophe………

As We Get Trapped in the Negative Emotions

In our daily live, there would be times, when we’d, gotten trapped by our negative emotions, like the following example would show:

Angie, who’s a lecturer said, “I’d often feel terrible about myself. I’d gone to give a lecture yesterday, before that, I’d, prepared myself the best I can, I’d rehearsed what I was to say at home too, but, as I got on the podium, the things that came out from my lips became, illogical, and, I’d not become, steady enough as a lecturer. Although my audience told me I did fine, but I was still quite upset, feared, that they were only, trying, to make me feel better, that they’d not really, taken into what I was saying at all.”

This sort of examples, are countless in our every day encounters. Emotions are like that dark clouds that came as they’d wished to inside our minds, and, suddenly, it’d, rained down hard, drenched us, if you didn’t have the ability to open that umbrella, or find a roof to hide under while the rain poured, then, the rain will drench you up, make you shiver and quiver, and even, cause you to get a serious cold.

「心理師,為何訂好了計畫卻總難落實?」「我這兒子老愛遲到,一點責任心都沒有,...illustration from the papers…

At times, you may think that you had a working umbrella, and you’d tell yourselves when you were about to get emotional, “Deep breaths, calm, deep breaths, calm……” but, as you’d opened up this umbrella, it had, a HUGE hole on it, and not being able to shelter you from the rain is small, but it’d, destroyed all hopes for you in the rain, made you even more upset.

The funny thing is, it was, a broken, torn up umbrella, but you’d, kept it, because you forgot, or you were too attached to discard it, then, on a rainy day, you’d, taken it out, then, you’d started, cursing it, on how it’d not, done what it was supposed to.

Based off of the psychological concepts, when we sank into our negative emotions, the contents we can’t accept in our selves will cause our logic to malfunction, and we’d, reacted emotionally to the situations, and this will, drag us into that deep, dark abyss, and even caused us to regret afterwards. And, the culprit behind this was, “the shadows of the emotions”.

The Unclears of the Depth of Our Hearts & Souls

Simply put, “the shadows of emotions” are the uncleared things deep inside our minds, as we’d experienced through what was in the now, these existing uncleared things locked in our unconscious would, hit the current experiences we’re having, and caused us to have a certain kind of reaction. For instance, the “authoritarian elders” would cause people to react emotionally, some would show fear, while some would, talk back to the elders. In other words, “authority” may be the unclear things inside a lot of people’s minds, but, the emotions that stemmed from this, would show up in a wide variety of emotions, get into the way of our living from day to day.

In order to understand the “shadows of emotions”, and how it’d interacted with our internal workings while we’re, interacting with the outside world, we use “archetypes” developed by Jung to conceptualize these “unclear things” inside our minds.

Jung once said, “the archetypes were the experiences shared by our ancestors, but it doesn’t necessarily come from our own life experiences.” We can understand it as this: some of the things that’s happened to the family, to the society, to the cultures, has a strong sort of emotions attached, and it would stay, inside us separately, like passing of hereditary traits. Like the scientists made fun: men enjoyed taking over the steering wheels, that stemmed from the ancient days, that men needed to hold tightly to the spears, to protect the families from danger; on the contrary, reason why women loved shopping so much, it’s because of how women had, found and gathered the nuts and fruits for food.

This sort of ideals that’s carried from the origins of man, are the “archetypes”; through the various archetypes, we can get the darkness out, and spread it under the sun, to make it into something that’s, beneficial to us.

Dissociating Ourselves from the Fears

Like the before-mentioned case of Angie, the lecturer, the experiences she’d described, has nothing to do with anybody else, it’s her own imaginations, her beliefs, of “how good a lecture she’d, given”. Of course, this may also have been affected by the body languages from the members of the audiences, but as people commended Angie on giving a good lecture, she’d, become doubtful of them, and trapped herself inside her own fears.

We can see from her experiences of how her fear was connected to “whether or not I’m liked by others”, Angie may need to find out what the archetype of “people-pleaser” meant to her, and which part of her self was she trying to hide from the rest of the world?

After understanding all of this, Angie can then try to dissociate herself from the fears of “I’m not liked by others”, think on: do people really not like me? Or, was it because I don’t like myself, and had, imagined, that everybody else doesn’t like me too?

Sounds simple enough, isn’t it? This is all about INTROSPECTION, getting to know yourself, and yet, how many people today, can SAY that I know me? I know ME, inside and O-U-T, which is why, I can get along with everything AND everybody in my external environment, IF (that’s the KEY word there!!!) I want to, and this just shows, how before you get to know yourselves well enough, you can’t possibly get along with anybody, and everything else that’s outside of Y-O-U!!!

Cobalt Green, on the Journeys of Her Life

On maturing into being, through journeying to the various places in the world, translated…

Chrome green is a green with that hint of yellow in it, withstanding great heat, bearing with the lights, something that’s used, when there’s this need for the persistent lighting. And this tramp I’d met, I’d called her, cobalt green.

The very first time I’d met Cobalt Green, we’d met out for supper nearby the publishers. She is vegetarian, ordered the spicy vegetarian fried rice, I’d ordered up the vegetable stew too. The portions were way too big, we’d not finished, and she had a lot of containers with her, and so, she’d, packed them up—including a lot of the water that we didn’t finish drinking too (the waiter thought we were a company of four, and gave us four glasses from when we sat down). Even as she’d returned to the major cities, she’d still kept “cherishing” the resources.

the peaceful state of mind this person must be experiencing, can you imagine it???  Photo from online…

She’d once traveled in India, Yunnan, Tibet and the borders of Thailand and Burma, although she’s a temporary visitor, the local family had given her the only glass of clean water for her to drink, and this became the most shocking moment in her whole journey.

Cobalt Green has a religious belief system, but she’d believed, that if we have our own faiths, then, it’d, belonged to oneself solely. I’d believed too, that the most precious kinds of beliefs surpass the religious kind. For instance, being a vegetarian is a way of respecting life, but, if the meat eaters don’t waste any of the meat products they’d consumed, then, it’s equally respectable. Especially when the vegetarians and the nonvegetarians showed respect to one another, wouldn’t that be, the core of “respect” being shown?

We have a shared similarity in character, that we were both forceful in that we hated relying on anybody else for anything. But I’d found, that in the process of her tramping, she’d slowly learned how to “reduce”, to stop constantly giving to the world. In the journeys close to the borders, she’d given her companions a lot of help, and the companions all showed their gratitude by giving some small gifts to her too. And, although those were small items, they’d all become, too meaningful to her. She’d told me, that tramping had taught people to become humbler, to stop using ones’ own views to judge the world constantly. For instance, she’d seen a lot of those who’d sponsored those in the developing nations, and visited locally, seeing how the locals were wearing a ton of accessories, then they’d made the judgments, “they’re not poor at all, they’d still had the money to buy the accessories.”, without knowing, that all those accessories were from the recycled metal scraps, and it wasn’t the same as the monetary values of the developed nations, but an alternative kind of culture and creativity.

查看來源圖片the journey of just one, photo found online…

I’d told her, a lot of start for the creations, seemed to stem from this wound inside of the creators. In the process of journeying, can it be a divide of Cobalt Green’s life, and the next stage of her life, what color will she turn? She’d replied, “on the wounds of the soul and memories, we needed to spend a lot of time, to fix up the missing parts, and it may take lifetimes to accomplish, but that eternal serenity, had always been inside our lives, never left us, it’s just we’d, forgotten them.” Maybe, Cobalt Green will become a permanent color for her life, and, the serendipitous encounters in the future, are going to be the decorations of that eternal peace she’d found.

So, this, is this woman’s view about life, and, she’d accumulated a lot of life experiences, by traveling, journeying to a ton of places, from the interactions she’d shared with people who are strangers, and life is an accumulation of our past experiences, leading up to who we currently are, and, all those experiences will help shape us into who we’re supposed to be as we age.

A Ten-Day Trip Around the Island with Mom

The thoughts that goes into this trip around the island, her kids’ thoughtfulness of keeping her body as fit as it can become, translated…

My friend Yun started having changes in her body awhile ago, her left side started becoming lethargic and weak, and after she’d gone through the health exams, it was Parkinson’s in the starting stages, this made all of her three teenagers in puberty become adults overnight.

The youngest son started hanging out the clothes before he goes off to school in the morn, the youngest daughter started cleaning up the kitchens, and the eldest just entered into college, he’d used his summers to find outings to take her traveling around the island. I hadn’t seen Yun in over a year now, she’d shared with me everything she’d felt in their journeys together, I was in awe at how much love they had for one another, facing the trials of their lives, and, her happiness was, redefined by her illness too.

查看來源圖片one way to do it…by bicycle…not my photo…

Yun told me, she’d dreamed about traveling around the island for long. She’d originally wanted to bicycle around the island, but her illness caused her to lose her agility, the doctor recommended that she could walk more to help build up her muscle strengths, and after her eldest son learned this, he’d taken her around the island by foot, and insisted that they walk twenty kilometers a day.

“The first day, I’d never walked as much, by the time I got to the hotel at night, I’d fallen limp, the very next day my son asked if I was all right? That if I could walk some more, I’d told him I can, but my body told me otherwise, then, I’d walked for about an hour, and, collapsed, and so, my son took me by a cab to the hotel we were supposed to stay in on the second day. He’d told me, with his eye all red, “Never lie to me again, don’t make me worry, we must, face this bravely, okay?”, and that, was the moment I knew, that my son, is a man.

As they walked to Sanyi, Yun’s husband dropped off some stewed beef to them. The eldest son still adjusted the distance they’re to walk based off of Yun’s physical wellbeing, he’d even done Yun’s laundry too!

or by foot, not my photo…徒步環島 的圖片結果

Trekking the island for ten days was not just for Yun’s overall health, but it was an opportunity for Yun and her son to establish their connection. She’d smiled, with tears circling in her eyes, “Don’t know how long my life will be? Or how I will deteriorate? I’d not worried about that just yet, I can only take advantage of the present, especially, with the love of my husband and kids, they’re what keeps me moving, I’m truly grateful, and fulfilled!”

So, this woman’s sons were very kind and understand, and they did all they could, to help their mother maintain her physical ability, and, her illness became a blessing in disguise, because it brought her and her loved ones closer together.

My Eldest Child

He was born, with that rebelliousness about him, and the parents were patient enough, and waited him out, and finally, this young man became settled, after he’d, tested his own limits, translated…

This was the first time that someone made a complaint!

The elderly neighbor said that my son kicked her grandson, ever since, I was very careful, feared, that I might get “pulled over” by another neighbor when I left my house.

In his first-grade year, the teacher called, my son had, “threatened” someone, told a classmate, that he will NOT see the sunrise tomorrow! And so, as you can imagine, making apologies on my son’s behalf became, normal.

What karma did I have, to have this naughty child as a son? As I was pregnant with him, so many things weren’t right, I’d had to take leaves of absence to stay at home; as I had him, I’d pushed so very hard, and he had, refused to come out, and so, the gynecologist “clamped” him out. Whoa, the long and large face and head, looking so odd, well, that’s my son.

A total killer my son had been, after I had him, I was so weakened I’d gone to see him in the nursery on a wheelchair, and yet, the doctor did the neonatal checks, said that there were noises in his heart, that his head was too big, that they’d suspected that his brain was swollen, skin troubles, and his lips don’t look right when he started crying…………holy! This was only my firstborn, you can torture me all you want to, but, do give my baby a break! My husband, I, and the nanny, took him to the major hospitals many times, and as we waited, we’d become panicky and even, started crying, waiting for the test results, and thankfully, there’s never been anything major.

No big troubles, then, my love for him made its appearance. He hated feeding, and in twenty, thirty minutes’ time, he’d only managed to drink a couple of milliliters, and would start panting as he suckled, and I was so fearful, that he couldn’t catch his breath while I fed him, that he may, stop drinking for once, and for all.

Finally, he’s fed, let’s rest. I’d put him down, he didn’t feel like sleeping; lying down, he’d become, completely awakened; he’d cried as I held him in my arms, and, screamed as I carried him on my back too; rocked him, he hated it; cooed with him, he’d not cared for me; paced indoors with him in my arms, he’d cried, took him outside, cried even louder………how many centuries of war had passed, and finally, the universe quieted, I’d tiptoed in and put him down in his crib, we’d become balloons, with the air let out, as we were about to lay down to rest with half of our spirts, came “Wahhhhhhhhh!!!”, then, we’d, both bounced right back up again, not again! Son, do give your parents a break, we won’t do it again, we swear.

If there’s something worth something, it would be how smart he is, as he started learning to talk, we’d recited the poetry to him, and soon enough, he’d, recited it bac, and as grandma taught him the Japanese nursery rhymes, he’d picked it up quickly. But he’d refused to sit still and write and study, he would tilt his body this way and then, and, wrote the character that even GHOST would shriek to see. And other than an A in physical education in his elementary years, getting a ZERO in his other classes became normal for him. Was I, not teaching him enough? Was I not a good example for him? Heaven only knows, but, I am an excellent teacher in school too!

He’d told me once seriously, “Mom, I wasn’t born to study.” And, he’d used the money I gave him for tutoring in the fifth grade and spent it in the net cafés, after I sent him to private middle school, his performances was, less than lacking, the assignment books were filled with the grievances from the instructors: he’d forgotten this and that, didn’t commit something to memory, not worked hard enough during the cleaning period, late to class, argumentative with the instructors………and, in this chaotic learning process, he can be at the top of the class, dropping down, to the lowest scorers, how he does in class, entirely dependent on his moods, as his mother, one will be going crazy, if not becoming a fool.

And afterwards, he’d almost gotten into his first-choice school on his calculus grades, he’s scored almost perfectly in every subject, only that on the last final test of social studies, his besties turned in the tests early, and he followed their leads, and, ran off. Ever since, he’d started commuting to Taipei for high school, and, everything is far away, what can the teachers do to him, and thus, he’d, become lost, in the kingdom of the dragons.

And now, he’d grown, because he’d wasted his time from before, he now realized the importance of working hard, I’d often asked him what he did during those days he’d fooled around? He’d told me that I might get shocked to death if he’d told me, then, let’s look forward, he’d planned to put his career first, his relationships second, and live a colorful life for himself.

My eldest, thankfully, you’re only in your twenties, and not in your thirties or forties. Knowing that you’re lost, you’d, found your way back, your dad and I will always hold our arms open, giving you that warmth of our hugs, so you know, how much we truly, really, love you.

So, this, is the coming of age of a young man, he’d had his crazy times in the past, and now, he’d become settled, because he’d tried everything (short of drugs, sex, and some illegal stuff I’m thinking), point is, these parents allowed their son to do whatever he wanted to, because they knew, that by telling him no, it would only drive him farther away, and so, they’d just, waited, for him, to settle himself back down, and to come back, from those wilder days of his younger years.

That Night in Kamakura

The last trip we took together as lovers, to figure things out between us, translated…

That evening, as we walked to the aquarium in Kamakura, the lights were already, dimmed down inside, but, not far off, the tower on Enoshima was still flickering.

The wide streets extended out of the vast oceans, and the vacation homes by the beach, only a few had the lights turned on inside, we’d followed the roads, and there were, sporadic super convenience marts and restaurants, there was a huge but not at all crowded barbeque shop billboard, like those gigantic easily missed, but hard to ignored billboards by the freeways, with a few of the youths who were just, skateboarding in the plaza by the beach.

what the city looks like at night, photo from online…

Don’t know if we’d lived farther away from the stations, the streets were quieter, and opening the windows, we saw those lower older styled buildings, and the goings on of the lives of locals, with a very unique sort of a Japanese way of life to it.

Even though it was May, but the breezes in the early evenings had already, cooled back down. We sat on the steps, where we could hear the tides, singing away, there were night runners passing us by, and those pairs of friends or lovers, lighting up the fairy sticks by the beach, making it even more resembling to the scenes in the Japanese movies, with those sparks of bliss, lighting up sporadically in the dark of night.

Afterwards, we’d decided we should run home, and, the streets without the stoplights, the cars, almost sped by us fast, I, in my flipflops, and you dressed very casually, we’d still NOT had any destinations, but wanted to breathe in each and every moment hard, with the darkening of the oceans, perhaps, we’d both, wanted a guiding light, answering our inquiries of: are we our best selves already? The two souls that were sent adrift in the seas, to me, that was, the scent of being lost at age twenty-three, with the craziness, dimming out slowly, but, it was still, a happy time in our lives together.

查看來源圖片the beach in Kamakura, photo from online…

So, there’s, that strong scent of nostalgia here, of sharing something intimate with someone that you loved, and yet, perhaps, you two realized, that you’d, wanted different things in life, that, is why you took this trip together, to figure things out, and, unfortunately, it looked like, that the two of you didn’t last for the long run………

Tear Drops on That Note…

Teardrops on that note, smearing it all out, everything became a total blur…

Teardrops on that note, that note’s been, damaged with water, just look at the washed-off ink stains from the writing. You’d cried your tears, repeatedly, onto those hard-on-your-heart words of his, hadn’t you? So, why don’t you, throw out that ruined note, huh? Because you enjoy a good, old-fashioned torture, is that it???

Teardrops on that note, stop looking at it, it’d become, that awful reminder, of how love could’ve been, but it wasn’t, was it? And, by keeping that note close to your heart, you’re, allowing it, to tear you up inside.

like this???  From online…

Teardrops on that note, dried, and cried, again, again, again, again, again (you get the picture, don’t you???), and it’s still not quite near end yet. Teardrops on that note, and still, you can’t bring yourself, to toss that broken heart out, ‘cuz you wanted to remember, how he’d, hurt you, how you were, betrayed by love, so, you won’t, get betrayed by love again!

Teardrops on that note, that hard goodbye that came too soon, but, if it didn’t come when it had, would you be where you currently are? No you won’t! So, you still won, you grew up, out of that broken state already, hadn’t you, and now, those tear smeared markings serve as a reminder………

查看來源圖片or this???  Found online…