My First Taste of Love

On the one who’s right for you, but got away, translated…

During the era where phones are prevalent, writing letters became, the hottest way of making friends.  It was my last year of high school, in order to balance out the pressures of the college entrance exams, I’d posted a friends ad onto a well-known magazine, and stressed that I will only reply back, if the people interested attached their photographs.

A young girl with bunny front teeth caught my attention.  She’d moved to Tainan with her older brother, was readying for her high school entrance exams.  She has an overly used first name, wrote like a guy would, with forward thoughts, and would often start arguing really vehemently with me using her pen, she’d even warned me, that her older brother belonged to the junior police squads (which was enough to send a lot of the adolescent boys running for their lives).  We’d often wrote many letters to each other per day, and sometimes, we’d even, hoped for the express mail to get delivered on the day we wrote.

Not long thereafter, we’d met up.  She looked just like her photograph, with the paler complexion, and looke, it’d staid very slimly.  With a thick Taiwanese accent when she’d talked in Chinese, and it’d made me feel fresh, I thought she was cute too.  We’d become like two old friends, carried on in conversation by Hoping E. Road as we strolled, as I was very passionately talking about something to her, then came, “Lang!”, she’d frozen stiff, stood where I was.  Out of my peripheral vision, I saw a man who looked really angry, riding a police issued motorcycle, parked right beside her.  I didn’t know what to do, and instead of rushing in to save her, I’d, scattered for my life.

A week later, I’d received a letter from her classmate, it’d stated that her brother was out of uniform, and patrolling, found her with a bad adolescent, and after that, her brother watched her even more closely, and it would be difficult, for her, to even write to me now.  But, we’d, felt encouraged by the hardships that’s come between us, and wrote even more frequently to one another, given each other encouragements, hoped that we will both do very well on the examinations coming up soon.

The results of our exams came, she successfully got into the first All-Girls’ High School in Taipei, and I, into N.T.U.  Having lived my former years in suppression, I’d entered into the open, freer N.T.U., I’d let myself go for quite a while, gotten involved with countless number of extracurricular activities, worked as a tutor to earn my own way, gone to the dances………and, it’d caused me, to lag behind on my scholastic performances too, and I’d started, writing Lang less, and less.

But, we’d, kept in touch over the years, in her last year of high school, she’d invited me to the birthday celebration of her school, my family loved how naïve and untainted she was, and would often invite her over for the meals, and, as we saw one another, we’d, given one another encouragements.  After I graduated college, life wasn’t as well, other than being upset by my own life, I’d, shut myself off from the world, lost contact with her.

After all of these years, I’d gone through countless encounters of love and romance, gotten hurt each and every single time.  And now, in my sixtieth year, everything in my past had, flashed by my sight.  I’d, looked back, and found, that Lang, whose hands I’d never even touched, was the one, that I had, loved most deeply.

So, this is on the one that got away, this young woman may have been the one for you, but, you got lost, in the colorful life of the university, and the two of you lost touch through the years, and, she’d, stayed on your mind, because she was, the very first girl you’d given your heart to…

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This World We’d Built Around Us…

This world we’d built around us, to protect us, from the outside noises, and, for a short while (felt like the miniscule of a nanosecond!), it’d worked, and then, all those loud bangs, came into this life we shared, and messed it all up!

This world we’d built around us, it’s, a mirage, a false belief, that we can, keep everything hurtful out, and, it had, worked, for a short while too (b/c we were “covered” by DENIAL!!!), and the, denial RAN out on us, and, everything came crumbling down…

like this???  Photo from online…

This world we’d built around us, what was it for again?  I can’t seem to remember its purpose now.  Or maybe, I can’t remember its purpose, because, I no longer needed, anything, to SHIELD me from all of my FUCKED up past, ‘cuz I got through it already, while you’re still, trapped.

So, this world that’s built around us, is no longer, around “us” (as there was never, actually, an “us”, there’s only me, myself, and I, oh, and you too!!!), you’d erected that wall around your heart so high, I can’t even, get over it, and so, I’d, stopped, trying to, reach you, and you can, die in your own misery for all I care!!!

building a wall around love 的圖片結果a wall, crumbling down, not my animation…

This world we’d built around us, had, served ITS purpose, and now, it’s time, that we, retire this world, back to wherever the HELL it is that it came from, and, move on, separately………

A Picture of You I Still Kept…

There’s, a picture of you I still kept, inside the folds on my wallet, I guess, as a reminder, of what?  I can’t recall now!

A picture of you I still kept, I wanted, the memories of us to keep on flowing, like that ever-winding river we had that first picnic, where you’d told me you love me for the very first time.

A picture of you I still kept, but why?  I got no need, for these memories that are already, flushed down the toilets, and yet, I still, can’t quite, throw away, these better shared days of our lives together, why is tt, huh?  Did I not, mourn long enough, for this love I’d lost in you already?  Or, am I just, torturing myself here???

something like this??? Photo from online…

A picture of you I still kept, no I don’t, I have ZERO need for photos, photos fade, remember???  And, when we get our photos done, we always say “CHEESE!”, and, how long do you think that “cheese!” will last, forever?  My facial muscles are getting sore here!!!

So no, I don’t keep ANY pictures, because I have a photographic memory, and, who needs pictures, to remind me of my FUCKED up younger days as a child?  Burned that entire pile up already (Well, more like torn it all up to bits and pieces!!!

An Article of Clothings, a Short Prose

Rationalizing here!  Translated…

This article of clothing was originally bought for the sake of going out.  Later, the colors faded, and she’d started, wearing it at home, she’d worn it for over a decade now, and so, she believed, that the shirt was, more than worthy of its cost.  Later on, he didn’t choose her, she’d once thought sorrowfully, if they didn’t have the affinities, then, why did the heavens make them meet up?  But now, she’d not felt this way anymore, he’d made her remembered their times together for over a decade’s time, she felt, that it’s been, more than worth it, that she’d, met up with him.

something like this, it’s washed too many yimes, and yet, you can’t throw it away, beacuse of how “comfortable” it is…photo from online…

So, this, is how value is “assigned” to the things and relationships you’re involved in, based off of the purpose of the item or the relationship, and how long, you’d, used it, or been engaged in it, this is still, a sort of self-deception, because this woman still hadn’t DEALT with her broken heart yet.

Lived Our Lives in Agony

Misery still loves company, doesn’t it???

We’d, lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, and sometimes, my agony would get in the way of your better days, and bring them back down, and sometimes, your agony would, put a damper on my originally brighter moments too.

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, agony had become, this vital part of this life we’d, come to share, and although we both knew, it wasn’t good for us, but, neither one of us was willing to, take it out, because we didn’t like changes.

happening almost daily, not my photograph

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, and now, I’d, finally had it with all of this, agony, and you too, maybe, without the agony, you would be better suited for me, but, agony was, that common thread, that’s, bound us to one another.

Lived our lives in agony, side-by-side, I don’t know why, but I’m thinking that this, isn’t, good for me one bit, and yet, I can’t find enough motivations, to take that first step toward changing this ditch situation I got stuck in.

Thoughts Just, Drifted Back to You…

Thoughts just, drifted back to you, time and time again, I KNOW I want to, lose you, completely, and been working on that, but hadn’t proven, successful yet…

Thoughts just, drifted, back to you for some unknown reasons, perhaps, it’s my heart, or maybe, even my body, that’s not yet, ready, to let you go, who knows?

Thoughts just, drifted, back to you, again, and again, and day and night, the memories of you would come attacking me, and, I’d taken out that sword, to FIGHT you, and, I never win!

like this???  not my photograph…

Thoughts just, drifted back to you again, in this house, full of all the memories of our better days, not so good ones together, but, at least, back then, we still, “had” each other.  Just didn’t know when, we’d, started, drifting apart is the thing…

Thoughts just, drifted, back to you again, and, I’d had it, I’m going to need something very strong (the strongest whiskey, bourbon, or whatever won’t do anymore, tried them all already!), to kick you out of my mind, or to knock me out, so my thoughts don’t, drift back to you anymore, at least, for a little while……………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Youth I’d Wasted on You…

Yes, that’s, hindsight AND regrets, calling your names…

The youth I’d wasted on you, thinking back, I was, just way too young, way too inexperienced to know any better, you were wrong, all along, but, I’d allowed you, to get too close to me, ended up, getting hurt bad…

The youth I’d wasted on you, there’s, no getting those precious wonder years back again, is there?  Of course not!  And yet, I still, flip the pages back to those days, guess I’m still, hung up on those, as the best, the happiest moments, of my life, and yet, I know, that I shouldn’t, indulge.

wasted youth 的圖片結果like this???  Not my photo or sculpture…

The youth I’d wasted on you, I wish I can just, take that step outward, and cross this threshold of our goodbye, and just, be DONE with it already!  But, something’s preventing me from moving forward with my life, and, I’m, STUCK here, at the moment we said our goodbyes…

And yes, until I can, finally move on, I’ll, keep on, wasting my youth (I’m no longer young, by the way…) on you, endlessly, and, I’m just, getting trapped, by this never-ending, vicious cycle.