Getting to Know the Shadows of Our Emotions

The psychology of the SELF, DISSECTIONS, start N-O-W, translated…

As We Became Trapped by Our Negative Emotions, the Contents Locked Inside Our Unconscious, Parts of Our Selves We Don’t Accept Fully, It’d Caused Our Logic to Go Wrong, and Made Us Feel Catastrophe………

As We Get Trapped in the Negative Emotions

In our daily live, there would be times, when we’d, gotten trapped by our negative emotions, like the following example would show:

Angie, who’s a lecturer said, “I’d often feel terrible about myself. I’d gone to give a lecture yesterday, before that, I’d, prepared myself the best I can, I’d rehearsed what I was to say at home too, but, as I got on the podium, the things that came out from my lips became, illogical, and, I’d not become, steady enough as a lecturer. Although my audience told me I did fine, but I was still quite upset, feared, that they were only, trying, to make me feel better, that they’d not really, taken into what I was saying at all.”

This sort of examples, are countless in our every day encounters. Emotions are like that dark clouds that came as they’d wished to inside our minds, and, suddenly, it’d, rained down hard, drenched us, if you didn’t have the ability to open that umbrella, or find a roof to hide under while the rain poured, then, the rain will drench you up, make you shiver and quiver, and even, cause you to get a serious cold.

「心理師,為何訂好了計畫卻總難落實?」「我這兒子老愛遲到,一點責任心都沒有,...illustration from the papers…

At times, you may think that you had a working umbrella, and you’d tell yourselves when you were about to get emotional, “Deep breaths, calm, deep breaths, calm……” but, as you’d opened up this umbrella, it had, a HUGE hole on it, and not being able to shelter you from the rain is small, but it’d, destroyed all hopes for you in the rain, made you even more upset.

The funny thing is, it was, a broken, torn up umbrella, but you’d, kept it, because you forgot, or you were too attached to discard it, then, on a rainy day, you’d, taken it out, then, you’d started, cursing it, on how it’d not, done what it was supposed to.

Based off of the psychological concepts, when we sank into our negative emotions, the contents we can’t accept in our selves will cause our logic to malfunction, and we’d, reacted emotionally to the situations, and this will, drag us into that deep, dark abyss, and even caused us to regret afterwards. And, the culprit behind this was, “the shadows of the emotions”.

The Unclears of the Depth of Our Hearts & Souls

Simply put, “the shadows of emotions” are the uncleared things deep inside our minds, as we’d experienced through what was in the now, these existing uncleared things locked in our unconscious would, hit the current experiences we’re having, and caused us to have a certain kind of reaction. For instance, the “authoritarian elders” would cause people to react emotionally, some would show fear, while some would, talk back to the elders. In other words, “authority” may be the unclear things inside a lot of people’s minds, but, the emotions that stemmed from this, would show up in a wide variety of emotions, get into the way of our living from day to day.

In order to understand the “shadows of emotions”, and how it’d interacted with our internal workings while we’re, interacting with the outside world, we use “archetypes” developed by Jung to conceptualize these “unclear things” inside our minds.

Jung once said, “the archetypes were the experiences shared by our ancestors, but it doesn’t necessarily come from our own life experiences.” We can understand it as this: some of the things that’s happened to the family, to the society, to the cultures, has a strong sort of emotions attached, and it would stay, inside us separately, like passing of hereditary traits. Like the scientists made fun: men enjoyed taking over the steering wheels, that stemmed from the ancient days, that men needed to hold tightly to the spears, to protect the families from danger; on the contrary, reason why women loved shopping so much, it’s because of how women had, found and gathered the nuts and fruits for food.

This sort of ideals that’s carried from the origins of man, are the “archetypes”; through the various archetypes, we can get the darkness out, and spread it under the sun, to make it into something that’s, beneficial to us.

Dissociating Ourselves from the Fears

Like the before-mentioned case of Angie, the lecturer, the experiences she’d described, has nothing to do with anybody else, it’s her own imaginations, her beliefs, of “how good a lecture she’d, given”. Of course, this may also have been affected by the body languages from the members of the audiences, but as people commended Angie on giving a good lecture, she’d, become doubtful of them, and trapped herself inside her own fears.

We can see from her experiences of how her fear was connected to “whether or not I’m liked by others”, Angie may need to find out what the archetype of “people-pleaser” meant to her, and which part of her self was she trying to hide from the rest of the world?

After understanding all of this, Angie can then try to dissociate herself from the fears of “I’m not liked by others”, think on: do people really not like me? Or, was it because I don’t like myself, and had, imagined, that everybody else doesn’t like me too?

Sounds simple enough, isn’t it? This is all about INTROSPECTION, getting to know yourself, and yet, how many people today, can SAY that I know me? I know ME, inside and O-U-T, which is why, I can get along with everything AND everybody in my external environment, IF (that’s the KEY word there!!!) I want to, and this just shows, how before you get to know yourselves well enough, you can’t possibly get along with anybody, and everything else that’s outside of Y-O-U!!!

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Not Seeing the Big Pictures

Know thyself, and, is comfortable with thyself too, translated…

I was invited to a hit talk show in China, my friends were all more worked up than I was. My friend A told me, “You’re so lucky!”, B said, “Your hard work finally paid off, to make this the best.” Although being invited was a sort of an affirmation, but, because of the nitty-gritties of the details of the program, as I’d communicated with the show’s director overseas, I’d needed to, keep myself under control, otherwise, my fatigue and discontent would show easily. My friend analyzed this from an outsider point of view, that whether it be for me, or my troupe, it’s a beneficial thing, but, that is where the problem lies, whether or not something benefits me rarely, made it, into my considerations in the past. It’s not that I couldn’t CARE about fame and fortune, it’s just, that gaining these things is too taxing to me, it’s just, not a game, someone as lazy as I, can afford, to play is all.

The invitation to the programming for me, it’s an opportunity to take a trip, with free airfare, and room and board too, it’s the “benefit” that I saw. “You are thinking too small! Do you know how many hit fame after appearing in the shows? And all you got your eyes set on, were the FREE breakfast buffets?” “But, the free breakfast buffets are really luring to me.” My friend gave me the eye roll after he’d heard me, and, we’d, not discussed the matters again.

Not having my sights set up high? That seemed to, have defined my life. Recently, I’d made up my mind, to hire a cleaning lady to help me tidy up my home, but, the day before she’d arrived, I felt so nervous, worried, that everything messy, will be seen by her, and I’d needed to, clean things up then. Totally destroyed the purpose of the cleaning lady! Once, there was an organization in Kaohsiung that asked me to lecture, they’d ordered fifty copies of my book from me, said that it was for me to sign after my lecture, to sell. As the publishers sent me the fifty copies of my book, but, after my lectures, I’d realized, just how difficult it was, to resell the books, in the end, I’d gotten the fifty copies of my own book, mailed back to my house, because I couldn’t possibly, send it all back to the publishers, so, I’d, bought them all.

“I’d never seen anybody with such thin skin as you! And this is all because, you don’t have your eyes on the big picture!”, my friend analyzed. “Last time you took that cab, I’d just asked you to go back to get something, and you’d felt awful. And, in the very end, didn’t you need to return back, to get what I’d asked of you again, and ended up, wasting even MORE time?”, my friend started retelling the number of time I’d not seen the big pictures, and I’d, become, silenced.

And, it’s like, karma’s at work. My thin-skinned caused me not to see the big pictures, my not seeing the pictures, made me think that the smaller profits are bigger, and I’d thought that I was naturally lazy, but in actually, I’d busied my life on things I could’ve avoided in the first place. “What small profits? You have a WRONG set of values!” (Why are there such things as friends in the world anyways?)

Back when I was younger, my family owned a grocery store, in the noon hours, my family sold the beef noodle soups. Mom and dad wanted me to help out, I’d enjoyed filling up the customers’ bowls with a TON of beef, so full that I’d felt, good. As my mother found out later, she’d pinched my ears, and ranted, this is cost! I’d put only four, five pieces, and you’d doubled it for the customers! How will I make a profit! (What are there crazy moms in the world anyways?)

I still couldn’t get the concepts of cost, perhaps, also in the values of my own friends too. What I’d considered important, for everybody else, it’s, pointless. My life seemed to have been spent, in “harvesting these unimportant matters”. At age forty-two, perhaps, it’s time, that I enlarged my field of visions, people would say, those who do great deeds, have NO mind for the details.

“Mr. Yao, we’d set you up at a hotel that offers breakfast this time you’re here in Beijing for the shows. The hotel offers a breakfast, would that be more convenient for you?”

“Oh, fine, is the breakfast buffet?”

Why can’t there be those who make something of themselves, some who’d made a difference to their surrounding environments in their own little ways.

This is how knowing oneself, this man realized his own tendencies, but he wasn’t inclined to change, even IF he realized, that his tendencies aren’t good, besides, he wasn’t hurting anybody, including himself, having this narrower “field of vision”, so, why not, just allow himself to live as is!!!

Digesting the Anger…

Yeah, this’ll surely, give ME my ACID-REFLUX back again all right!!!

Digesting the anger, it’s, nothing easy, guess I’ll just have to, swallow it all down back, inside the PIT of my stomach, but, you KNOW how difficult it is, to contain the acid that’s rising up inside your esophagus, right? Digesting the anger, why must I, huh? Why can’t I just, let it all, overflow, and let everything around me get eroded away, huh?

Digesting the anger, hell no I won’t, why must I? And, hadn’t I, held it in too long, since god only knows when? I’m about to BLOW! Get away from me, if you don’t want to be a casualty of this war of mine!!!

what it’d, looked like…not my cartoon…

Digesting the anger, that, was what we’re all, made to do, form when we were little, we weren’t allowed to properly, work through our moments of anguish, instead, those god DAMN adult counterparts made us all, pretend, that we don’t feel angry, and this, is how we all end up, seeing them god DAMN shrinks that charged us over $200 per hours, and pay even MORE for those god DAMN meds, now that we’re, adults…

Digesting the anger, it doesn’t WORK, anger NEEDS an OUTLET, and if you’d, held it all in like I had, and boy oh boy, did I blow UP, my dogs would scatter and hide, whenever I’m about to blow, and, they were, even MORE aware of when I’m about to CRACK than I had been when I was younger!!!

Besides, why the HELL should I be the one, digesting ALL the angers in your lives, huh? What about the angers in MY life, who’s gonna carry them, if I’d, carried your angers for you already? My kid??? Yeah right, and no, I’m still, NOWHERE N-E-A-R the vicinity of getting PISSED off right now…

Recording Down the Days by Hand

Keeping track of the days, translated…

As the good friends and relatives all wished one another “Happy New Year”, it’s as I see the light steps of 2018 beginning, and my desk calendar had, flipped, to a brand new page too.

On my bookshelves, the organized daily calendars, ordered by the years, it’d kept track of my life, year after year, after year. Opening up the books, there are things I’d needed to do daily, people I need to talk to, along with the thoughts of my days that passed by, I’d even, taped the tickets to the exhibitions, the shows I’d gone inside too.

In the high-tech era, there would be friends who are in awe of how I’d still felt compelled, to keep track by writing things down, like what I was doing was, outdated, a symbol of my lagging behind the times, but I’d never minded what they thought. I’d enjoyed recording things down with my pen, and even used red pen to circle the more important events or people I needed to remember specifically. When I have the spare time, I’d picked up the desk calendars from years ago and just sorted through them, recalling everything I’d endured through during that part of my life, and, in my messy or legible handwritings, tried and remember how I was feeling as I was, writing things down, like watching myself, walk through the years.

In the ordinariness of day to day, flipping through these calendars, I get to discover, those moments of surprises like fireworks, lighting up my life, bringing me back to my happier memories of the past. This is, my alternative sort of journaling.

I’d always take a special note of the specific occasions marked by the calendars. Although I’m not a farmer, but I’d loved to observe nature’s change—the changes of the lengthiness of the days and nights, the leaves falling and sprouting up on the trees. The growth seasons of the fruits and vegetables. And, the poetic terms of the various parts of the seasons always led me to experience the rhythms of the changes of the seasons, like the symbol of the onset of the springtime; the coming of the summers, the freezing dews that saw the heated summers off, the falls of the frosts; the snowy seasons of winters, and although most of these don’t match to the weathers here in the tropics, but seeing the seasonal terms printed in red, it’d made me have that romantic expectation toward the changes in the seasons.

By the end of each year, I’d always gone to the bookstores, to select another brand new notebook, and printed my name on the bottom. At the start of 2018, with my expectations of the brand new year, hope that I can feel grateful toward the things to come, and to fill up these pages of my calendar notebook.

So these notebooks became a way you kept records of your coming of age, and this is important, because you may not know how far you’d come this year, compared to the last, if you don’t have a systematic way of keeping track, and, you don’t necessarily have to have a desk calendar notebook, you can also keep track of what’s happened in your lives by journaling too.

I’m Beginning to Hate This Game I’m Playin’…

查看來源圖片not my cartoon!

I’m beginning to HATE this game I’m playin’ right now, I keep on, hitting the dead-ends for some reasons, and, things, well, they just, don’t quite work out, and I know, there’s, only ONE right way to solve this current puzzle that I’m on, I just, have to, find it.

I’m beginning to HATE this game I’m playin’, it’d, consumed up a lot of my free time, and yet, it’s, like that bad addiction, that I have troubles, getting off, kinda like those adverse, side effects of, your love. I’m beginning to HATE this game I’m playin’, I keep losing, hand, after hand, after hand, after hand, and soon, I shall be, down to my LAST penny, but, I still, ain’t left the tables yet.

查看來源圖片I’m all in!  photo from online…

I’m beginning to HATE this game I’m playin’, why, why am I, still playing it, huh? And, what do I get, if I won out at the end? Absolutely NOTHING, as I’m not, gambling for money, and so, WHAT, exactly, is it about this game, that’s so, enticing to me? Perhaps, it preys on my hating to lose, that, is how it gets, a hold on my mind?

I’m beginning to HATE this game I’m playin’, and yet, I can’t stop playing it, just like how I’d, hated my life from when I was a teen, and I’d, wanted it all to FUCKING end, and it hadn’t, ‘cuz I didn’t CUT deep enough!

The Stars Disclosed

Conversations with the stars in the nightly skies, translated…

That Star, Far Off, in the Distant Night Skies Said

My Existence

Made Possible by My Own Stubbornness

Existing Purely

without Anyone Else’s Telling Me to

查看來源圖片like this???  Not my photo…

You’d Best, Stay Far Off from Me

In Case, that One Snow White Morn

After Many, Many, Many Starless Nights Passed

Before You Could, Go to the Bathrooms, to Get Yourselves Cleaned Up & Off

As My Light is Still Outside, Keeping the Skies

Rolling My Eyes

at You

or this???查看來源圖片looking up at the stars, not my photo still…

So, this, I guess, would be a sort of a confession from a star? And, the narrator reflected her/himself, into the interaction s/he had with that distant star, like s/he was, talking to and with oneself.

Burned Out the Love…

That’s it! We’d, burned it out………

Burned out the love, not because we’d, needed the light from it, not because we were, cold, freezing ourselves to death, but just because!

Burned out the love, who knew, that love’s, spent, so easily, huh? I would’ve, never guessed, how fast love can “go” (don’t ask “where”!), how quickly, it’d, turned to ashes…

Burned out the love, it’s, too late, and love is still NO phoenix, it won’t, rise up, and live again, oh no, it’d, just, stayed, dead, and there’s, nothing that you, or I, can do ‘bout that now, is there? Nope!

查看來源圖片a picture of the before and the after, from online…

Burned out the love, why? Because we can, because that, is what, we’re, supposed to do, to experiment with it, to see, how far we can push it, until it finally, CRACKED. Burned out the love, and, there’s, nothing but ashes and dusts that remained, of this, burned up love of ours, and so, I’d, collected my half (as that, is how everything got divided? Right down the middle???), and you can have the rest of the remaining half, to go with that steak, salted with your own tears…………

Burned out the love, so? I got more love than you’ll ever know, and, know the best thing about my love is? It NEVER gets used up, I will always, have MORE than enough love to get by! As for you? Do I, really care? Yeah, uh, you WISH!

Note: this is still just me, throwing things out at this wall of echo, meaning that it’s not directed toward anybody out there, ‘k??? Yeah, uh-huh!