On the Tracks, to Finding My Self…

I have conquered my metaphorical mountain. I kept telling myself I can do it. It was hard. It felt emotionally, spiritually and physically excruciating at times, and I did it. I asked myself, when I conquer this mountain, have a congruent past and the tools to live with PTSD, is that when I will feel […]

via I Seek to Feel Content — Untangled

Doubts of the Self…

I have broken my own bones, splintered them and placed them into bags, dozens of bags of me, and I have thrown them from the windows of speeding cars in hope that you will find me after the crash, somewhere where the good girls would never go, littered between back alleys in the dark parts, […]

via The Good Girls Are Always Found — The Lithium Chronicles

Keeping a Cask of the Himalayan Air

The metamorphosis of the mind, relating to one’s journey to the Himalayas, translated…

Finally, I’d, hauled that cask of the Himalayan air, back to Taipei.

I’d emptied out a fish tank, to give to the air to live in, and, sealed it up, I’d, fed it rocks, the pines, the snows, the sunlight, as well as the thrashing storms regularly.

At night, I’d, quietly, looked upon it with that scent of enjoyment, the air floating to and fro, I’d pointed to the air, said, “I think you’re ghostly, but, not in such resemblance, why do you always, carry that scent of hard-to-describe, blue, cold kind of pride……”

As I lay in bed, I’d heard the heavy breathes of the hikers, the drips of dew from the twigs and branches, the conversations of the animals, and there was even once, when I’d, heard an avalanche, that, shook up my house.

There was once more, that I saw, the snow lady in the Himalayan air, this daughter of the mountain deity, as she’d appeared, the fish tank started filling up with snow.  She’d appeared in India, then, moved to Nepal, or, Bhutan—all of these nations, were the primary countries of the Himalaya, and, as the snow lady appeared, there would be echoes of the Sanskrit chant echoing throughout the fish tank.

Early one morn, I’d found frosts all around the fish tank, that the glass of the tank had the cracks on it, I’d followed the three cracks, and found, “is this NOT the origin, the Indian River, the Ganges, along with the Yarlung Tsangpo River of Tibet?”, I’d asked the air, “You missed home, don’t you?”…………there was, nothing but silence in my living room, to the point, that the air turned, dead, I’d paced over to the window, opened it up, the window pushed outward, wow, snow came falling down in Taipei, no, no, at this time, Bhutan was, outside of my window, because, there was, that sacred blue wildebeest, staring at me, in Bhutan, the wildebeest was considered, the animal of the country, called, “Tajing”, the head like the horse, with the antler of the deer, hooves like the ox, tail like a donkey, like me, unrepresentative, of anything.

The air of the Himalayas inside the fish tank, made three cracks, came out, and kissed my cheeks goodbye, with the lips on me, instantly, I’d become, this, round snowman.

So, this, IS the metamorphosis of the mind, or that the individual missed the travels to that sacred place of Himalayas, that is why, s/he is, taken aback to that place where s/he felt most comfortable, most satisfied in.

A One-Armed Teenager Managed to Bicycle Around the Island in Her Journey, Cried Out of Joy as She Finished This Incredible Journey

Inspiring, isn’t it???  From the Newspapers, translated…

The Mennuo’s Hualien Center and Taoyuan’s Rotary Club yesterday hosted the “2017 Miracle Ride Around the Island”, yesterday morning, thirteen adolescent girls who were placed in the systems finished riding that final mile, a lot of the girls cried, especially for the one-armed adolescent girl, “Fatty”, she’d cried in the press conferences, her becoming emotional had, spread through the news conference.

The adolescent girl with only her left arm, “Fatty” as she was riding out, she’d often, lost her balance, and started wiggling left and right, and because she’d needed to find her balance, she’d almost relied on her lower extremities to keep herself going.  The primary sponsor, Chuang said, he rode behind “Fatty”, and saw her wobbling from left to right, and so, by the seventh day, the inside of her thighs suffered serious abrasions, the leader of the troupe of riders, after evaluating her conditions, told her to rest up in the chaperon car, but she’d refused, and started doing her squatting jumps, to show that she was still with enough energy.

獨臂少女胖胖(左)接受花蓮善牧中心棕樹學園主任黃順妹(右)頒發完騎證書,激動得說...being awarded the certificate of completion and a red envelope for their feat, photo from UDN.com…

In the insistence of the team leader, Fatty finally gone into the car to rest, with tears in her eyes, after she’d rested for a bit, she’d still, insisted on, continue riding, to work hard, to catch up to her teammates.  Chuang said, seeing her like this, it’d, made him cry.  At yesterday’s press conference, he’d cried too, and, Fatty was so worked up she kept wiping her tears away.  The manager of the Palms Learning Center, Huang stated, in the thirteen-day challenge, the girl with one arm, “Fatty”, was the clown of the group, at age eight, because of a car accident, “Fatty” lost her right arm, after she managed to pull herself out of depression, she’d, decided, to live each and every day happily, worked hard, to learn to ride a bicycle, to swim, she’s also, a good singer too.

The thirteen girls set out on the 2nd from Hualien, challenged themselves in the 13-day, 657 kilometers bicycle ride around the island, yesterday, they’d ridden from their last station of a local elementary school, and, returned back to the Palms Learning Center.  The C.E.O. of the nonprofit organization, Chu said, the girls in the program were mostly from broken homes, and required professional company, and so, in this bicycle campout, the girls saw themselves for who they are, learned to express their thoughts, emotions, and, sought out the values of their own lives, and, she believed, that they will be able to, find the ways to solve whatever problems come their way in the future.

So, this, is a challenge that these young women embarked on, to test themselves, to prove that they can, conquer the odds, and they had, and, this, serves, as an inspiration to all, that although they didn’t have homing advantages, with their positive attitudes, their hardworking mannerisms, they are still, able to, beat all the odds on the trip.

For Alice

On trying to fit in, with the environment, adapting to a life here, translated…

At my age, I can’t say, that I’d, lived long enough, but, I’d definitely, had had, a taste of everything.

Alice smoothed over the ruffles on the quilts, stuffed her head inside the quilts.  When she was younger, she and her parents had, folded up the quilts together, she’d loved, to get in the middle of it, playing; she’d loved that scent of the quilt, from getting some sun in, the quilt soaked up in the sun, the heat, it’d, seemed to, be able to, chase away, ALL her worries.

ladies who married over to Taiwan from foreign places, photo from online…

She’d married over to Taiwan for a little longer than three years now, after that alienated feeling of arriving to this new place, what remained, was the days as they passed her by.  It’s, as if, she’d, never aged one bit, but the time, it’d, frozen her stiff, in Taipei.  It’s an easy thing, falling in love with this city, there was, this slowed pace of life here.  On the weekends, she’d liked copying the older ladies who’d gone shopping at the local marketplaces, to get some flowers at the flower markets; she loved how she was, walking along, then, out hopped, a brand new shop, it’d, kept her in surprise.

illustration from the papers…人生走到這個年紀,不能說已經活得夠久,但也絕對什麼滋味都嘗過了。 圖PPAN

Alice is the kind of person that wouldn’t reach out to other people on her own, but she was, more than willing, AND able to, put her thoughts in others, be a very good listener, to someone who needed to, pour her heart out.  But, to those who knew her, she’d seemed, so open, so rash, so critical in mannerisms, like it was, a proof of her, working hard, to assimilate into living in Taipei.

Anyways, she’s the kind, that you wouldn’t realize to raise her brows, how she was, a bit, different from before, how she was, trying to cover herself up.  When you asked her where she came from, she’d still openly stated, but she’d normally, NOT told anybody unless she was, asked, “Yeah, I’m from China”.

Or maybe, this is, a label she will never be, rid of, she couldn’t say that she didn’t care, after all, the China mentioned by the papers, the T.V., the radio broadcasts, was, her home country.  But, who cares, about a nobody named Alice?  She didn’t have anybody to rely on, so, she’d worked hard, to hide her accent, learned a little Taiwanese, wanted to, live comfortably, in this city.

As she’d felt the world was against her, she had, no place she can hide, she can only, drive around the city of Taipei, toward the Palace Museum, the Sun Yatsen Memorial, the Freedom Square, along with the old-style mansion in Shihlin.  Anyways, those spots where the tourists from China loved going to.  She’d stood far off, watching a tour bus, felt, that she’d, abandoned her home country, and, her home country also, deserted her too.

from online…

She’d loved watching those tourists from China posing for the cameras happily, and, as she watched them, it’s, as if, her own loneliness, had found, an exit too.  It’s, those exaggerated poses, facial expressions, that are, so very, familiar to her!  She’d watched as she smiled, felt, but felt, that it’s, reasonable, that it’s a good thing, that the tourists were really enjoying themselves, feeling proud, in the photos, and, felt, that her own statures became, out of place somehow.

Alice is, ambiguous like this, if one day, you’d, bumped into her, please do tell her, “Don’t matter if you’re from China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, or your ABC, or from Singapore, you are, Alice, you fool!”

So, this, is how hard this woman tries to “blend in”, but she always felt, out of place, she’d worked really hard, to assimilate herself into the culture, and, from the outside, those who knew her felt that she’d, “blended in” with the environment in Taiwan, but, she still felt, somewhat, out of place………

The Forgotten Backpack

Thoughts on the choices she made in her own life, translated…

Drew back the curtains, the full golden sunlight illuminated the entire room, the moistures in the air evaporated, the dusts all, vanished too.  This is a day, fitting for cleaning, I’d, found a nylon blue backpack that’s been forgotten for a long time from the forgotten corner of my closet, like, I’d, discovered, an old friend.  This was a most-often-used backpack from ten years ago, for someone who’d cleaned often, its existence may have been due to not willing to let it get thrown out, and, slowly, become, forgotten.

During the time when I’d used this backpack most often, it was when my son, Hong was about one or two.  I’d often taken him to the park close by our home, or to dine out at restaurants.  The backpack’s contents, were mostly, his.  Hong has a pale complexion, and big eyes, very bright looking, and, as we went out, there would be younger girls who’d asked me excitedly, “He’s so very cute, can I hold him?”, and, at that moment, or seeing the moment his face lit up, it was, the most beautiful moments during that period of our lives together.

 

But, most of the times, I’d always felt, there was that light, invisible drape that’s slowly, suffocating me.  Or maybe, I’d, felt, lonely?  During that period when there’s NO internet, the life of a full-time mother, without FB, to share my proudest moments with others of my son, when I felt pent up, I couldn’t reach out to my girlfriends on LINE.  Plus, the first few years of living with a huge family, of constantly getting negated, suppressing my own emotions too long, setting up my own nuclear family, the joys didn’t last long enough, I’d become, aloof, and cold, didn’t want to enlarge my social circles either.

I’d spent my days like this for about six months, once, I’d taken Hong to the shopping mall where I had worked before, I’d bumped into my former colleague, Huei-Ru, the two of us started up like old friends, and, as we were, going to classes for advertising, on the special occasions, we’d both, worked our overtimes together, and, as a small manager, I’d had endless meetings, endless proposals to write; and after work, I’d often, taken the info packets home, to continue working on them, and, as I recalled that, I can feel my shoulders growing heavier and heavier.

拉開窗簾,飽滿的金色陽光照亮整個房間,感覺空氣裡的溼氣被蒸發,塵埃灰溜溜地散去。...illustration from the papers online…

“I envy you, not working right now, just staying at home and take care of your son, I’d needed to pick up my child at the nanny’s”, she’d felt bad, and I, silent.  As mothers, in my mind, Huei-Ru, who still works hard in the workforce, looked so radiant, and I can’t help, but miss my self back then, such a contradictory feeling.  From before when I had to work, I’d, envied those who didn’t, how they were able to, just stroll with leisure at the malls, with their young children, they looked happy, and confident.  At that precise moment, I’d become, confused, and asked myself, “Isn’t this the kind of life you’d always wanted to live?  What, are you missing out on?”, I’d become, lost, in my thoughts.

Whether it be the working class with the fashionable accessories, or the practical bags that moms have for the children’s sakes; getting too busy that I wanted to scream, or too lonely that I can’t breathe, aren’t all of it, our own, choices?  In a few more years, when my son’s older, I may choose, to return to the workforce, what sort of trials, will I be, faced with then?  I don’t know yet, and, it didn’t matter, I will keep on going, with all the choices I’ll be making for myself.  But before then, why don’t I, just, relax, and live!  At least, give my son, a smiling mom.  Over a dozen years ago, that, was what that blue backpack had, told me.

Through the windows of memories, I’d looked backwards, that day, the sun is bright and shiny, just like today, the leaves, with the golden rays, swaying, in the wind, danced, with full confidence, underneath the blue skies.

So, this, is looking back at the choices in life you’d made, you’d, quit your job, to start a family, leaving behind the success, the achievements at work, and you’d felt, a bit, awful, about leaving all that glory behind, but, you’d, thought harder, and realized, that what you have right now, is not so bad, and, it’s your choice, and so, you felt, you needed to, take responsibilities for what you’d selected in your life, being a mom, to your young son, at least, for now!

Another Lie Out of You

That’s IT!  I’d, HAD it with your L-I-E-S!

Another lie out of you, I will NEVER believe, I’d believed you, for too god DAMN long (at the expenses of ME!) already, and, it’s time, that I KNOCKED myself, OUT of this high-chair that I’d, sat in, for all these years on end.

yup, it’s, exactly like that!  Not my photo.

Another lie out of you, how long, can you, keep this up?  I’d, wanted to test that “theory” of mine, which was why, I hadn’t, BUSTED your stories Y-E-T?  And, I just, keep on, waiting for the day, you finally, TOLD me the truth, and yet, you just, keep on assuming (which makes you into???  Yeah, uh, we should ALL get THAT by now, shouldn’t we?) that I don’t know…

Another lie out of you, I won’t have it, I’m already, checked out, auf wiedersehen, adios, adieu, addio, sayonara, do svidaniya, au revoir, see ya, wouldn’t wanna BE ya! 

There will, NEVER be, another L-I-E out of you, because, you don’t exist in MY god DAMN world, and I still reside here, in this, big, ol’ world of mine, with me, myself, and I, and the “three of us”, are still, very much in L-O-V-E, feel free to see this as a Narcissistic RELAPSE if you will………

like this…not my picture…