This Pretentious Love

Love was, nothing more, than playing pretend.  It was, quite easy, actually, we just, told ourselves, over and over, again, and again, that this nonexistent love is actually, in existence, and, after enough number of times, this lie that we made for ourselves to live in became, TRUE!

it’s, like this, you only THINK you know what she’s thinking but, you actually, don’t have a C-L-U-E!!!  Not my picture…

This pretentious love, that we’d, come to share, we’d both became, too comfortable, living in it, that we didn’t want to, change anything about it, knowing, that it’s all, play pretend (like playing house???), and, we’d gotten, used to, lying to ourselves, that this so-called nonexistent love, actually DOES, exist…

This pretentious love, why, do we lie to ourselves over it, huh?  There must be, better options out there available for us both, there’s, NO need, to keep this, pretentious love intact anymore, and, I’m, severing, the ties here.

left, with the broken pieces…not my photo…

This pretentious love is, NO more, I’d, taken it out back, and, PUT it out of its misery, with that shotgun, as, there’s, just NO need, for us, to keep on, dragging it along, lengthening, its, sufferings, it’s NOT humane, don’t you know???

And now, after we’d, given this, pretentious love its, proper burial, it’s time, we finally, stopped pretending, that we still, loved one another, it’s time, that we move on too, like this, pretentious love already had………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the Thoughts of Goodbye Left My Mind…

I’m still, hung up, on our goodbyes, but, as I took that drive, down to the coastlines, the wind in my hair, it’d, taken away the thoughts…

As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I felt them, sticking to my mind, as I’d, pried them out one by one, they’d all, refused, to go!  As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I don’t know what I’ll do without them.  I’d, always lived, with the thoughts of goodbye on my mind, and, it’s, NOTHING easy, for something that’s so, stubbornly STUCK, to get wiped from my mind.

not my photo…

As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, I can’t help, but wonder, why were they were in the first place?  As the thoughts of goodbye left my mind, there would be, NO more of that goodbye left, inside that shot glass, after THIS round…………

As the thought of goodbye left my mind, well, they’re, gone now!  And, they ain’t, NEVER comin’ back, just like I’m, NEVER comin’ back, from leaving you behind!

 

 

 

 

Having problems, being too comfortable, but knowing, that this, isn’t what a marriage looks like, a Q&A, translated…

Q: My Husband Didn’t Want a Divorce, and I’m Used to Having Him Around Too

Jen is close to forty, she’d been married for a little over a decade.  She worked in sales from before, she’d earned some money, but not as much as she thought she had; the reason being she’s very helpful, in order to climb the ladder fast, or to help make the bottom lines, she’d always loaned her money out, and never asked for the money she’d loaned out back.  Plus she’d enjoyed going out with her coworkers to dine, and she’d always, picked up the tabs.  In no more than three, four years’ time, she’d accumulated over two million dollars worth of credit card debts, and she’d stopped working, and just, dodged the collectors, in the end, it was her mother, and older siblings who’d, paid up the money for her; she’d sunk into sorrow for about six months, started back up again, worked as a makeup person in a wedding gown shop, that, was where she’d met her husband who is ten years senior, after falling in love for just one year, they’d, tied the knot.

Her husband’s work title was assistant, didn’t make nearly HALF of what she’d made, but Jen thought he was very even-tempered, they’d had a lot to talk about, so, she’d never taken any money from him.  She’d paid for the rent, the utilities in her home, and she was still able to put five, six thousand dollars into her savings.

the importance of love in a marriage…not my photo…

They’d never used contraception since they were married, but, six years after they were wed, they still hadn’t gotten pregnant, Jen wanted a baby, they’d gone to the fertilities clinic, and, the problem was on her husband.  To tell the truth, the health exams had, turned Jen’s view of her marriage upside down, thinking back, he wasn’t at all that motivated in work, didn’t like having sex at all, didn’t have enough energies either, and, this marriage, she seemed to be the only one, working hard, to make it work, her husband had this I could care less attitude.  Jen had had multiple heart-to-heart with him, and he doesn’t want a divorce, and suggested that they should sleep in separate rooms, and encouraged her to go out with her friends more, to live together separately.

But, close to age forty, Jen didn’t want to divorce, nor marry again, she didn’t want to, nor did she, have boyfriends, felt, that although there’s not that intimate connection between the family members with her husband, but she’d gotten used to it.  Would this sort of interactions in a marriage be too weird?

A My Advice

The two of you had been together for ten years, at least, you’re already, used to one another.  So long as the considerations of economics, the loans, and it wouldn’t bring either one of you down, you don’t need to care about what others on the outside thinks.  But, when you get to this stage, where the most basic “function” of a husband and a wife had, ceased to exist, divorce should be easier, why are you, still, holding on?

the binding of a marriage…not my photo

I know, because of convenience, and this woman, had settled, although her marriage can’t give her what she needed or wanted, but, she felt comfortable living in it, that, is why she’d lacked the motivations to change, and this is awful, because, NOBODY should settle in a marriage, whether or NOT they know they’re doing so or not…

Started from Friends, a Short Prose

How can two people who’d, fallen in love ended up like this, I wonder???  Translated…

“Stop hanging out with all those good-for-nothing friends of yours, is it that hard, to spend some time with me?  It’s just like you, making friends with everybody, that, is why you ended up, with a ton of good-for-nothing’s as friends.”

the interactions, not my sketch…

“Can you stop being so judgmental of me, criticizing my friends all the time?  Do respect my feelings, will you?”

“I’m not wrong, your friends all carried several bad qualities, if you want, I can, break it all down for you right now………”

She was about to go into that long speech again, he felt a headache coming on, turned her back to her, and just, let her start ranting.  He thought, she must’ve forgotten, how they were first friends, before they were married, after falling in love slowly.  Up to this point, he’d started agreeing with her, “Some friends, you just, shouldn’t even be making from the very start.”

too late for this now, huh???  Not my photo…

Wow, imagine how much must’ve happened, for a marriage, to come to this?  This woman was critical of her husband’s friends, and started ranting about it, probably because he’d overlooked how she’d needed his company, and just went out to hang with his friends a lot, not spending enough time with his own wife, that, was probably what caused her to start ranting incessantly about his “bad friends”, and, she failed to realize, that they’d, started as friends too, and how, maybe, he’s just, nice to all his friends, and as she’d become his wife, he’d felt less of a need to please her, that, is probably how their love ended up where it currently is right now…

 

Are My Parents a Match, Made in Hell?

From the child’s perspective, on filial relations, translated…

When they had Chinese simple buns for breakfast, mom thought it was too dry, hard to swallow; as my father made the smoked meats for the New Year’s, she’d felt it was too troublesome, and unsanitary; as dad went to the wedding banquets or out to exercise, mom wore her displeased expression, wouldn’t follow him out………

In my eyes, my parents rarely did anything together, they’d always spat because of the differences in their opinions.  And after dad got nagged too hard by mom, he’d always left a “What would you know!”, then, fallen silent, or just, closed his eyes to rest.  On the weekends, as their grandchildren came with us to visit, they’d all secretly asked, “Why is grandma so mean to grandpa?”, and all my younger sister and I can do, was shrug, and smiled bitterly toward one another, because, we too, want to know the answer to that.

In my memories, my parents never fitted, they’d rarely agreed on anything, or maybe, it was the difference in age, and they got married, on their parents’ requests, not by love!

But, these couple of years, mom started having the simple Chinese buns for breakfasts, and woke early to go to the parks to exercise too, and started making the smoked meats before the New Year’s.  I’d asked her why she’d made the adjustments?  She’d answered matter-of-factly, “That was what your dad used to do from before!”, I’d pressed, “but I thought you’d hated having the simple buns and smoked meats, nor waking up early to exercise!”, mom opened up her eyes wide, rebutted, “Says WHO!”

Until when my younger sister went home for a visit, she’d fell ill and rested on my mother’s bed, and, as she was still drowsy, she’d found my father’s photo from the shrine next to the pillow, she was thrilled and completely, awakened, I’d heard my younger sister told me this, and I’d, realized, that my mother was, missing my dad.

Naturally, every time I’d gone home, I’d found her, duplicating my father’s way of life, all of these changes in her had, shocked me………

After I’d thought on the matter hard, I’d all of a sudden realized, that the older generations wouldn’t express their love so openly, they’d constantly used the opposite of what they wanted to say, to test one another, this, I suppose, is a way, of how they’d, interacted, gotten along.  After dad died, from the changes in mom, I’d finally understood, that in their forty years of life together, they’d, shared many things, and each and every time they’d spat, they were, showing love to one another.

It’s just, that I’d felt, awful, that had they’d been able to communicate more, with some more little more sweetened words, they would be able to share that simple breakfast, and gone to exercise together, make the smoked meats, and, they may be able to share, better memories, and we wouldn’t have misunderstood.

This sort of an awakening came a bit late, I’d scolded myself for being too slow to realize.  Other than regretting, I can only remind myself, that I should, show my love, my gratitude, toward those around me, to cherish our time together.

So, this, is how the older generations showed love, and, because the former generations weren’t used to show love so bluntly, they’d, kept their love inside of themselves, and the generations have this gap, because of the times being different, and now, this woman finally understood, that her parents actually, loved one another very much, it’s just that when she was younger, she couldn’t understand the way they’d, showed the love they had toward one another.

Disastrous, a Poem

How we interacted, how we don’t complement each other, and yet, we can’t, live, without one another, the dilemmas of love, translated…

You are, that Cloud

Blurred, in the, Midst of the Lines of the Leaves

Sharpen at Times, Wet and Cold Too

Taking Over, an Entire Mountain’s Worth of Area

You are the Clouds

not my sketch…

Holding the Memories of the Oceans Intact

I’d Used My Raging Rain, to Make Myself Forget

In Exchange, for Your Clear Patch of Sunny Skies

It’s that Clear Patch of Sunny Skies

That’s Made the Dried Up Creek Sing Again

Making that Deserted Plain Come to Life Again

Then, Evaporates

My Sun Thus

a heart-shaped disaster, not my photograph here…

Started Fogging Up All Over Again

So, this, is the relationship the narrator has with someone he loved, they’d, complimented one another, and yet, they sometimes, became battling forces, as that, is how a lot of the relationships worked, we can’t all be happy all the time, there’s bound to be, those rainy days in our lives too, it’s how we handled those rainy day that’s more important, compared to the sunnier ones…

Break Up or, Make Up

DAMN it, just MAKE up your minds already, huh???

Break up, or make up, it’d kept, going back and forth, back and forth, with all those hotshot stars, celebs, even every day people you and I know…

Break up or make up, does it matter?  And, how long’s gonna last this time, before the love goes BUST again, huh?  And yet, we’re, just, involved, in this, vicious cycle of love, continuing to, roll around, and around, and around, and, there’s, still, NO end in sight, for either one of us!

Break up, or make up, make up your minds already, and, if you break, DO break completely, don’t leave that window open (like our little Ms. Wendy had, so Peter could get in, ANYTIME he pleases!)…Break up, or make up, why is it so god DAMN hard, for us, to make up our minds about it, huh?  We’d already had a taste of what this love of ours entailed, and, there’s, NOTHING good that’s left for us to savor, and, we still can’t sever ourselves off from each other, because, what if (I mean, it is, a high possibility!!!), the next loves we’re in, aren’t good as this one we are about, to cut ourselves off from?  And that, is the dilemma of our love………