Sharing the Happiness, but, Tasting the Pains, Alone

These are, the markings of your childhood years, that you still kept in mind, even as you grew up, into an adult, translated…

I have, some memories, of savoring something alone, one was, a painful, but it was, willingly; another, was that bliss I’d felt when I savored it alone, but after it was over, I became, filled up, with guilty.

As the eldest daughter, whenever my younger siblings had done something bad or wrong, my mother would scold me, “as the eldest sister, you must be a better example for your younger siblings!”, and so, I was, always the one, getting punished.  And, as I saw fear overcoming my younger siblings’ faces, I’d not, dared to cry, gritted down my teeth, and bore with the pains, swallowed my tears into my stomach, and felt glad, that I was, the one my mother’s stick had, landed on; based off of the forces my mother took, to punish me, I’m sure, that my younger siblings, couldn’t be able, to withstand it.  And so, although I was, quite young, I’d, willingly, “savored” my mother’s, physical punishments.

In the fourth grade, I’d, recognized a whole bunch of Chinese characters, and so, as my dad sent his fishing boat to the maintenance in Makong Wharf, we’d, gone off to see the movies together.  He’d bought a few red bean pastries, then, as the two of us watched the movies, we’d, eaten those sweet cakes.  The very first time I got home, and saw the looks of envy in my younger siblings’ eyes, I hated myself, for finishing up those, red bean pastries by myself.  Later, I’d, always, saved some to bring home, to share with my younger siblings, the moments of wonder, and, it’d felt amazing, to share!

And now, as my parents grew older, no matter it be a trip, or a meal, the six of us, siblings, always made the time to show, as none of us became willing, to have our parents, alone to our selves singly, we’d, wanted, to share these moments of happiness, together.

And so, because you’re the eldest, you got beaten more, because that’s, how your mother showed, your younger siblings that they need to, behave themselves, and, you had it hard, but, as you’d, grown older, you’d, also realized, that you had your parents love for you, by yourself, and now, as you have something wonderful you’d, started, sharing with the ones you loved.