The Couple Who’d Been Married for Twenty Years are Now, Estranged

A marriage that’s, slowly, freezing up, oh wait, it’d become, frozen SOLID, and now you want to, thaw it out??? A Q&A, translated…

Q: He’d Kept Wearing that Soured Face Towards Me, is There Still a Chance, to Salvage What’s Left of My Marriage?

Mrs. H had, lived for twenty years in this freezing weather of her marriage, she’d originally thought that she’d become totally numbed out, but recently, she’d started, contemplating, how she can better the interactions with her husband.

Her husband never fought with her, but every time he was displeased, he’d started the cold wars with her; and, even sometimes, what’ had angered him had nothing to do with H, something with his own family of origin, or something at the office, he’d still pulled H into his own storms. Naturally, sometimes, it was the kids, or her who’d made him upset, but no matter what happened, H’s husband treated her as if she were invisible. And after some time, H can only, keep her distance, and, tried to spend as little time as she possibly could with him, even encouraged him to find someone else to love.

查看來源圖片where we’ll be, if things don’t change…not my photo…

Twenty years had, passed like this, from the beginning, when H had, walked of eggshells too carefully, to now, she’d learned, to completely, ignore her husband’s existence. It’s just, she’s not happy in this sort of an interaction with him in the marriage, and she wants to know, if there was something she can do, to change this.

A My Advice

This marriage had begun imbalanced, the husband didn’t fight, didn’t get loud, and, it’d, made his wife scared. If you two were in love before you were married, didn’t he use this before? If it’d started after you two were married, I think, that if communications work, it would’ve, worked, but H had stimulated him, by telling him to cheat on her, I really can’t tell what had happened between them from before. If H wanted to improve her relationship with her husband, she could lower herself and have a heart-to-heart with him, tell your husband that you weren’t happy, that you’d wanted to change, and if he’s willing to go to couple’s counseling, that’s, even better. And, I can only give these advices to you, based off of what I received. H, do open up your heart, and communicate with your husband.

And so, this probably still did NOT happen overnight, it must’ve been how they’d interacted with each other from the beginning, it’s just that from before, there were, things diverting this husband and wife’s attention, work, children, families, etc., etc., etc., that they’d, failed to notice, but now as they’re growing older, and it’s, just the two of them, things started becoming, obvious, and, the husband and wife really DO need to sit down and talk, otherwise, divorce will be the only VIABLE option.

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Working Together to Help Each Other Age More Gracefully, Neither Felt Lonely on the Journey of Life

In sickness AND in health, for better or for worse, the dedications, and love this woman had for her husband, now that he’d become, demented, translated…

After I’d married my husband, I’d focused on my family, looking after our three sons, so my husband didn’t have to worry when he’s working.

In his elderly years, after he had surgeries for his colon cancer, he’d changed to a different man, became forgetful, at first, I’d thought it was a normal process of aging, but after I took him to the Alzheimer’s clinic, the doctor diagnosed him as “beginning stage of dementia”.

He’s not completely helpless, going out for strolls in the morning became his way of exercise, I’d often played the game of numbers with him, “Chinese chess” was one of them, I’d picked up any piece and asked him, and he’d answered me correctly, he’d not written as legibly as he used to, but it’s still readable. After he’d started in art, I’d written my love for him on the sides of the papers, took care of him with empathy, just stay beside him.

My kids also took the two of us outdoors often, and he became like an “old baby”, so happy, and, with the help from nature, it’d somehow, slowed down the progressions of his Alzheimer’s.

For this hospitalization for my chemotherapy, I’d run a fever, which caused pneumonia, in my nineteen days of hospital stays, he’d ridden his small bicycle back and forth, on the two hour round trips, never complained, just stayed by my side, it seemed, that he still remembered how much I put in, to care for him for these past six years, and now, he’d not, given up on me either.

The Department of Sanitary Welfare’s Long-Term Care 2.0 was designated for elderly over sixty-five who’d lost the ability to live on their own, which allowed for the four-hour homecare helper, and, we don’t fit the criteria, that was why, there are so many tragedies that’s happened, because of elderly caretaking.

I’d volunteered at the long-term care center on Mondays, helping the elders put on makeup, hoping that putting their lipsticks on can help make them recall, I’d taken the courses provided by the local governments to enrich my knowledge base on helping with my husband’s dementia, and all of these things that I’d done, are to give myself breathing room, a break from having to take care of my demented husband 24/7.

So, this, is once again, from the caretakers’ journals, and, this woman didn’t leave her husband in a nursing home somewhere, because he was there when she went through her hell with her cancer, and now, he’d needed her more than ever, she surely wasn’t going to, desert him in some nursing home either.

A Ten-Day Trip Around the Island with Mom

The thoughts that goes into this trip around the island, her kids’ thoughtfulness of keeping her body as fit as it can become, translated…

My friend Yun started having changes in her body awhile ago, her left side started becoming lethargic and weak, and after she’d gone through the health exams, it was Parkinson’s in the starting stages, this made all of her three teenagers in puberty become adults overnight.

The youngest son started hanging out the clothes before he goes off to school in the morn, the youngest daughter started cleaning up the kitchens, and the eldest just entered into college, he’d used his summers to find outings to take her traveling around the island. I hadn’t seen Yun in over a year now, she’d shared with me everything she’d felt in their journeys together, I was in awe at how much love they had for one another, facing the trials of their lives, and, her happiness was, redefined by her illness too.

查看來源圖片one way to do it…by bicycle…not my photo…

Yun told me, she’d dreamed about traveling around the island for long. She’d originally wanted to bicycle around the island, but her illness caused her to lose her agility, the doctor recommended that she could walk more to help build up her muscle strengths, and after her eldest son learned this, he’d taken her around the island by foot, and insisted that they walk twenty kilometers a day.

“The first day, I’d never walked as much, by the time I got to the hotel at night, I’d fallen limp, the very next day my son asked if I was all right? That if I could walk some more, I’d told him I can, but my body told me otherwise, then, I’d walked for about an hour, and, collapsed, and so, my son took me by a cab to the hotel we were supposed to stay in on the second day. He’d told me, with his eye all red, “Never lie to me again, don’t make me worry, we must, face this bravely, okay?”, and that, was the moment I knew, that my son, is a man.

As they walked to Sanyi, Yun’s husband dropped off some stewed beef to them. The eldest son still adjusted the distance they’re to walk based off of Yun’s physical wellbeing, he’d even done Yun’s laundry too!

or by foot, not my photo…徒步環島 的圖片結果

Trekking the island for ten days was not just for Yun’s overall health, but it was an opportunity for Yun and her son to establish their connection. She’d smiled, with tears circling in her eyes, “Don’t know how long my life will be? Or how I will deteriorate? I’d not worried about that just yet, I can only take advantage of the present, especially, with the love of my husband and kids, they’re what keeps me moving, I’m truly grateful, and fulfilled!”

So, this woman’s sons were very kind and understand, and they did all they could, to help their mother maintain her physical ability, and, her illness became a blessing in disguise, because it brought her and her loved ones closer together.

The Two Ends of the Roads

Filling up your time after you retired, translated…

There’s this saying, “Study, or working out, either the body or the soul needed to head out on the roads.” I’d loved to read, walking even more. I live on Yenping N. Road Sec. 6, walking forward from my house for twenty minutes was the public library, back, was the riverside park and the weekend floral markets. And I’d gone on both ways on the weekends and the holidays too.

I’d slung that backpack around me, with my water bottle, headed out toward the library, without any hurry, the shops, the cafés, the beauty salons on the way………not long ago, a traditional style cake shop opened, the scent of the cake baking floated out of the shop into the streets. There was a hotpot shop that had a post, that if a child in the customer’s house had three-times made the perfect grades, with the exams provided, the family can receive a serving of hotpot for free, the owner’s heart was commendable, but not long thereafter, the shop closed down, and became a couture shop. Walking down this long sidewalk, looking all around at the shops, the sights, every walk of life presented itself to me, and, I’d, wandered to the front of the library. I’d gotten used to climbing six floors to the reading room, and not taken the elevators, it’s another view here. I’d found a window seat, with a book, a bottle of water, spent my afternoon in peace here, and this, is my secret spot for escaping the noises of day-to-day life.

I loved how open the library is, the serene atmosphere, so peaceful and quiet. As I got bored reading, I’d walked over to the windows, and looked down at the river under the bridge, and shifted my gaze toward the distant connected skies, to the mountains far off. And when I got tired, I’d, put my head down on the desks and napped, and when I felt like it, I’d started, secretly, observing the people in the library too. There was an elderly man who’s really focused, I would see him every time I’d come here, I’m guessing, that he’d reported to the library every single day; there was a pair of young children, who were really focused on doing their review worksheets, without being distracted by everything else around them; there was also that older man who’d fallen asleep, and started snoring too…………… as I became really into observing the goings on around me, I’d felt, relaxed more.

On the weekends, I walked toward the both ends of the streets, to go read or to see the flowers or to exercise, life became more fulfilled because of this habit, like how the roads had, extended into the distances from both ends too.

So, this, is one way to spend your free time after the retirement, you’d gotten enough exercise by walking to all these places, and, you also have the opportunity to observe the goings-on around you, becoming even more aware of yourself, and your interactions with the external environments you are in too.

Optics, a Poem

Having someone ELSE there, AT the center of YOUR universe, this, is not going to end well at A-L-L! Translated…

We’d Polished Those Lens

Calculated the Curves of Language

Waited, for a Specific & Destined Time

That Light that Traveled Here from Afar

At that Specific Right Angle

like this, and, you WILL get B-U-R-N-E-D!  Photo from online…

Passed Through Those Layered, Transparent Hearts

Burning Me, in that Void, Suspended

That Combustible Focal Point

So, this, is what it feels like, with someone at the center of universe, because you were, lured in love, and yet, after the love is gone, what will you be LEFT with? Oh yeah, I forgot, UTTER DARKNESS, and you’d become, a sure part, of that darkness, because you’d lived your life around that other individual, and, it’s NEVER good, with someone ELSE at the focal points of your own lives…

My Eldest Child

He was born, with that rebelliousness about him, and the parents were patient enough, and waited him out, and finally, this young man became settled, after he’d, tested his own limits, translated…

This was the first time that someone made a complaint!

The elderly neighbor said that my son kicked her grandson, ever since, I was very careful, feared, that I might get “pulled over” by another neighbor when I left my house.

In his first-grade year, the teacher called, my son had, “threatened” someone, told a classmate, that he will NOT see the sunrise tomorrow! And so, as you can imagine, making apologies on my son’s behalf became, normal.

What karma did I have, to have this naughty child as a son? As I was pregnant with him, so many things weren’t right, I’d had to take leaves of absence to stay at home; as I had him, I’d pushed so very hard, and he had, refused to come out, and so, the gynecologist “clamped” him out. Whoa, the long and large face and head, looking so odd, well, that’s my son.

A total killer my son had been, after I had him, I was so weakened I’d gone to see him in the nursery on a wheelchair, and yet, the doctor did the neonatal checks, said that there were noises in his heart, that his head was too big, that they’d suspected that his brain was swollen, skin troubles, and his lips don’t look right when he started crying…………holy! This was only my firstborn, you can torture me all you want to, but, do give my baby a break! My husband, I, and the nanny, took him to the major hospitals many times, and as we waited, we’d become panicky and even, started crying, waiting for the test results, and thankfully, there’s never been anything major.

No big troubles, then, my love for him made its appearance. He hated feeding, and in twenty, thirty minutes’ time, he’d only managed to drink a couple of milliliters, and would start panting as he suckled, and I was so fearful, that he couldn’t catch his breath while I fed him, that he may, stop drinking for once, and for all.

Finally, he’s fed, let’s rest. I’d put him down, he didn’t feel like sleeping; lying down, he’d become, completely awakened; he’d cried as I held him in my arms, and, screamed as I carried him on my back too; rocked him, he hated it; cooed with him, he’d not cared for me; paced indoors with him in my arms, he’d cried, took him outside, cried even louder………how many centuries of war had passed, and finally, the universe quieted, I’d tiptoed in and put him down in his crib, we’d become balloons, with the air let out, as we were about to lay down to rest with half of our spirts, came “Wahhhhhhhhh!!!”, then, we’d, both bounced right back up again, not again! Son, do give your parents a break, we won’t do it again, we swear.

If there’s something worth something, it would be how smart he is, as he started learning to talk, we’d recited the poetry to him, and soon enough, he’d, recited it bac, and as grandma taught him the Japanese nursery rhymes, he’d picked it up quickly. But he’d refused to sit still and write and study, he would tilt his body this way and then, and, wrote the character that even GHOST would shriek to see. And other than an A in physical education in his elementary years, getting a ZERO in his other classes became normal for him. Was I, not teaching him enough? Was I not a good example for him? Heaven only knows, but, I am an excellent teacher in school too!

He’d told me once seriously, “Mom, I wasn’t born to study.” And, he’d used the money I gave him for tutoring in the fifth grade and spent it in the net cafés, after I sent him to private middle school, his performances was, less than lacking, the assignment books were filled with the grievances from the instructors: he’d forgotten this and that, didn’t commit something to memory, not worked hard enough during the cleaning period, late to class, argumentative with the instructors………and, in this chaotic learning process, he can be at the top of the class, dropping down, to the lowest scorers, how he does in class, entirely dependent on his moods, as his mother, one will be going crazy, if not becoming a fool.

And afterwards, he’d almost gotten into his first-choice school on his calculus grades, he’s scored almost perfectly in every subject, only that on the last final test of social studies, his besties turned in the tests early, and he followed their leads, and, ran off. Ever since, he’d started commuting to Taipei for high school, and, everything is far away, what can the teachers do to him, and thus, he’d, become lost, in the kingdom of the dragons.

And now, he’d grown, because he’d wasted his time from before, he now realized the importance of working hard, I’d often asked him what he did during those days he’d fooled around? He’d told me that I might get shocked to death if he’d told me, then, let’s look forward, he’d planned to put his career first, his relationships second, and live a colorful life for himself.

My eldest, thankfully, you’re only in your twenties, and not in your thirties or forties. Knowing that you’re lost, you’d, found your way back, your dad and I will always hold our arms open, giving you that warmth of our hugs, so you know, how much we truly, really, love you.

So, this, is the coming of age of a young man, he’d had his crazy times in the past, and now, he’d become settled, because he’d tried everything (short of drugs, sex, and some illegal stuff I’m thinking), point is, these parents allowed their son to do whatever he wanted to, because they knew, that by telling him no, it would only drive him farther away, and so, they’d just, waited, for him, to settle himself back down, and to come back, from those wilder days of his younger years.

That Night in Kamakura

The last trip we took together as lovers, to figure things out between us, translated…

That evening, as we walked to the aquarium in Kamakura, the lights were already, dimmed down inside, but, not far off, the tower on Enoshima was still flickering.

The wide streets extended out of the vast oceans, and the vacation homes by the beach, only a few had the lights turned on inside, we’d followed the roads, and there were, sporadic super convenience marts and restaurants, there was a huge but not at all crowded barbeque shop billboard, like those gigantic easily missed, but hard to ignored billboards by the freeways, with a few of the youths who were just, skateboarding in the plaza by the beach.

what the city looks like at night, photo from online…

Don’t know if we’d lived farther away from the stations, the streets were quieter, and opening the windows, we saw those lower older styled buildings, and the goings on of the lives of locals, with a very unique sort of a Japanese way of life to it.

Even though it was May, but the breezes in the early evenings had already, cooled back down. We sat on the steps, where we could hear the tides, singing away, there were night runners passing us by, and those pairs of friends or lovers, lighting up the fairy sticks by the beach, making it even more resembling to the scenes in the Japanese movies, with those sparks of bliss, lighting up sporadically in the dark of night.

Afterwards, we’d decided we should run home, and, the streets without the stoplights, the cars, almost sped by us fast, I, in my flipflops, and you dressed very casually, we’d still NOT had any destinations, but wanted to breathe in each and every moment hard, with the darkening of the oceans, perhaps, we’d both, wanted a guiding light, answering our inquiries of: are we our best selves already? The two souls that were sent adrift in the seas, to me, that was, the scent of being lost at age twenty-three, with the craziness, dimming out slowly, but, it was still, a happy time in our lives together.

查看來源圖片the beach in Kamakura, photo from online…

So, there’s, that strong scent of nostalgia here, of sharing something intimate with someone that you loved, and yet, perhaps, you two realized, that you’d, wanted different things in life, that, is why you took this trip together, to figure things out, and, unfortunately, it looked like, that the two of you didn’t last for the long run………