Driver’s Ed, a Poem

I can’t sever my ties with you yet, just allow me to love you, a bit longer, please!!! Translated…

This is, the Unreturned

Miniature Version of, that Map of the First Love

I Was Once, a Slow Car, Driving According to Your Signs

Reverse, Park, Drive Forward Bumpily

The S Driving Paths, Very Well Rehearsed查看來源圖片navigateing through this obstacle fcourse of love…photo from online…

Those Spells Which Had, Stopped Working Due to the Twists & Turns Now

Pretended I was Changing Lanes, Tested Out the Safe Distances Too

Allowing that Invisible Crosswalk to Get Between the Two of Us

Brake! Don’t Park on the Lines, Ahhhhhhhhhhh, for a Very Long Time

I’d, Not Wanted to, Signal, All the Green Running Men, Stand Perfectly Still

I’m Still on that Driving Range in Your Dreams, Practicing Repeatedly

This, is what stuck felt like, isn’t it? The person you were in love with, had already, moved on, and you still couldn’t, because you’re still, too emotionally attached or whatever, and, this is going to get harder, because you still had YET to deal with that final goodbye, severing the emotional ties with whoever you’d, broken up with…

Advertisements

I Really, Really DO Love You

Those, are the love songs that somehow, soothed us all, as we got our hearts broken by those we thought we loved, translated…

A few short years ago, after Rene Liu’s getting married got out, although it may not have made the first page of the entertainment news, but I’d still saw the lifelong fans of hers’ detailed the sad losses in love they’d experienced.

Don’t know why, but everybody seemed to believe, that Rene had had a difficult time in love, or maybe, it’s the reflections of the love songs she performed, or maybe, how we’d believed, that the music and the movies she played reflected that of her reality, and so, all of her fans congratulated her on “making it in love”—although I’d found this to be somewhat tongue-twisting, like making marriage or love, into a near-impossible feat.

My classmates’ memories of Rene Liu collided with mine.  In our school days, her movie, “Fisherwoman, an Adolescent” was what made her famous, plus the song “I really, really DO love you”, it’d made her famous throughout.  Later, one of my former girlfriends looked eighty-percent like Rene, but I’d still, mistakenly, became her ironclad fans for a couple of years.

And now, as I thought about it, that was during the time when the singers were trending in Taiwan, the mega star performers, along with the hit singers.  And, at this time, Rene Liu’s love songs were able to, still stand, undefeated, and, she’d still, made it to the top of her games.

Back then when I was quite young, those never-ending nights, I’d listened to her performed on “Two People on Earth/Hard for Us to Meet Up/Even if I Can’t Become Your Lover, I’m Still Grateful Toward You”, and, I’d imagined a love that won’t make it.  It’s just, that these amazing dreams shattered so easily, and as I got older, I’d gained better understanding of, how that sort of love can’t be had.  That it’s, the model for the culture of love and romance in Asia.  And yet, how cruel the realities of love are, hurting each other, there’s only, left to be destroyed, let alone, the divisions of assets.

But I was once, a steady fan of hers, and I’d needed to, follow her from start to end.  Before I parted ways with that girl that resembled Rene Liu, I’d requested her song, “I’ll Wait for You”, to tell her how I’d felt.  It’s just, that the prophecies are just that, like those wayward promises written down, or the despairs, masked up by the illusions.  We still couldn’t make it.  The days passed, the seasons came and went, like how things get altered in the universe, and felt, somehow, the same.

The jet lag just couldn’t get exchanged, like how we can’t, get those lost youths of ours back again.

Back then, I’d finally realized, that when had we, become the characters in those love songs?  Those heartbreaking tunes, like those delicate handwritings, written carelessly down, on those Post-It notes that’s lost its adhesive properties.  Back then when we were young, and didn’t care about anything, we’d mistaken trials as tortures, but, isn’t that the properties of youth, to be able to, carelessly, live?  The white pedals of the magnolia, the skirts of the blue colored skies, only as I got much, much older did I realize, that love songs that started well aren’t love songs at all, that even if you’d used the sharpest cameras, you still won’t be able to, capture the details of the promises of the love you wish you had.

I know, that the lyrics are like those music videos, flashing right by, the sadness that came is fine, the loneliness, too long, like who the memories that became, a mirage by the corner of the walls, finally, pulled too long by the streetlamps, and losing its colors.  So, how will you think of me?  Like the lyrics, smile, or with that scent of lonely too?  Perhaps, being stubborn, is the nature of growing up.  Like that line from the gum commercial, “Growth sprouts out of the disillusionment”, but, most of those scenes that had gone by were too much like the steams on the windows, foggy up, it’s not the cleared days at all.  And in the end, we were like the stories had told, we’d become, that teenage couple who went for that one last stroll by the beach, and, the love we had, became, nothing more than just a mirage in the deserts.

It will never get repeated again, a boy, and a girl.  We’d used all that we had, fallen in love, bravery, and, we could’ve, taken the steps backward, and soar high as we’re able to.

But you didn’t, because you were too young, and that’s not how life usually works, because, true love only comes with experiences, and, until you’d had, your shares of heartaches, and heartbreaks, you will NEVER know the true meanings of love, that, is why those teenager years, it’s important, that you get in and out of love, after all, being able to FIX up your own broken hearts, that, is what makes you stronger than before!

The Malabar Chestnut & Those Memories of Youth

The memories of her first love lives on, in the form of a plant as a token of the guys love for her, translated…

That day as the typhoon came, the potted plants on my lanai were destroyed, especially my favorite Malabar chestnut.  My son told, “This Malabar chestnut is such an eyesore, let’s just, toss it!”  I’d told him, “Nope!  So long as I’m alive, this Malabar chestnut shall never get thrown out!”

Some three decades ago, I’d gone on a fieldtrip with a boy I liked, and on the way, we’d passed a flower shop, there was a Malabar chestnut that was just the right size that caught my eyes, and, the boy, who was very tentative knew immediately, that I liked it, asked the owner of the florist to wrap it up for me immediately.something like this, perhaps???  Photo from online…

He said, so long as there’s soil, just throw in the seeds, or, plant down the stems, the Malabar chestnut will keep on growing.  And so, this plant was seen, as something that’s too cheap, “but life is full of uncertainties, if you like it, then, it’s worth millions.  With this Malabar chestnut accompanying by your desk, you will multiply your speeds in reading and writing, you must, take good care of it, and in return, it will, take care of you too.” I’d kept these words in mind since.

For many years, I’d moved around several times, and, it’s always been, that piece that I must take with me, as I changed it into a bigger pot, it’s like, watching my favorite child getting taller and bigger, needing to buy the new clothes!  And, that small potted plant of no more than twenty centimeters originally, already exceeded my height now.

After I’d asked the experts, I’d decided, to saw off all the loose branches.  Several days ago, I’d found the new buds sprouting out of the edges, I was so ecstatic.  Early yesterday evening, I’d opened up the screen door to my lanai, saw how the Malabar chestnut was flourishing, the freshly grown leaves glistened in the light of the setting sun, I’d felt, that burst of new life inside of my heart.

The world is never the same, and the guy I liked and I, never made it, but this Malabar chestnut, along with the memories of my youth, stayed.

So, this plant became meaningful, because it was a gift from that first love of yours, and, although the two of you didn’t work out in the end, you’d kept the plant, as a marking of your youth, of that young love you’d once had.

He’d Tussled My Hair

Ahhhhhhhhhh, the tastes of love we’d encountered in our schooling days, so innocent, liyet, so surprising at the same time, translated…

I’d walked up the stairs, passed the group of boys, gathering around the entrance, smoking, then came whistling from behind me…………So, this is a cram school, this huge classroom the size of an auditorium, the rows of desks and chairs, cramped in, and numerous “bad” students who were, forced to attend the sessions by their parents.

Several days later, I’d recognized that guy who’d whistled at me, it was, a boy with his sleeves always rolled up, with the elongated brows and eyes, very slim and tall.  Privately, I’d called him “bad student”, felt, that our two worlds would be too dissimilar for us to cross path.

And yet, that day as I sat in the classroom, reading on my own, he’d came to me asked, “You’re practicing math?” I’d kept my head lowered, not knowing how to reply.  Suddenly, he’d, reached his hands out, and tucked the hair, fallen to the side of my face to behind my ear.  Suddenly, I’d, blushed and my heart raced, and my mind went blank, as I finally came back to me again, he’d returned to the group of boys he’d belonged to, and continued joking.

After that day, he’d still continued whistling at me, and I’d no longer dared, go to and from alone.  In my goody-two-shoe stage of cram school sessions, he was the first that’s made my heart skipped a beat in time.

So, this, is your first taste of love, or rather, what felt like love, and, you’d not expected this happening in your cram school sessions, but this boy, he apparently, struck a chord with you somehow…

The Interlude of Love in Our Fourth Year of Middle School

The young and in love, of course, these are, only passages in our lives, they’re not, meant to last, are they???  Nope!  Translated…

Perhaps, This Would be, the Very Last Ten-Minutes We Ever Get to Walk Together………

The Beginning of an Unknown World

This place, “the fourth year of middle school”, it’s definitely, a unique experience for the youths who were involved in it during that era of time.  Regularly, it was after we’d all graduated from middle school, but we’d continued, wearing those uniforms every single day, and pretended to go to school daily, it’s just, that the location where classes held was no longer on campus, but in this 50-centimeter space that’s tightly cramped.  But for me and Jack, it was, the start of our trip away from home, getting to know a foreign world, we’d both believed back then, that this was only, a year-long temporary thing in Taipei, which helped us to become, more adventurous in life as we got older.

young and in love, not my photograph…

That year, we both had our separate failed ventures in love.  We fell for two sisters from Shijr, I think they were, cousins.  Although we’d felt attracted to them, but, based off of the conditions back then, we couldn’t do anything about the attractive feelings, and so, after our cram school sessions, we’d accompanied them on the ten-minute walk from the classes to the train stations in Songshan, during those short ten-minutes we’d come to share, it’d become, the happiest time we’d ever had in our fourth year of middle school.

Jack loved the older girl, but, their differences in height was too enormous, the girl was 5’8, while Jack was only 5’5, every time I’d walked behind them, it was, like watching the temple deities making their parades, but, because they’d bickered a lot, it’d, added to those harder days of our youth, and for the year, we’d both followed behind them, watched how things played out with them, sometimes, we’d laughed until our stomachs hurt, and sometimes, we’d caught each other’s gazes, and, seemed, to have a lot to say to one another, but, we’d, suppressed the urges to talk, and just, walked on quietly.

Don’t Forget How You Feel at This Precise Moment in Time

The final day of our fourth year in middle school, the four of us maintained our usual formation, walked toward the Songshan Train Station.  But we all knew, that perhaps, this would be, the very last time, we walked together for the ten-minutes, and, the tall and short who’d fooled around and horse-played both, settled down.  The very first time, Jack and I bought the tickets, and followed the sisters into the station to wait.  As the train came in, I knew, that if I don’t say something, then, it would be, too late, but I’d not spoken a single word.  Before she got on, the younger cousin turned her head around, said to me, “Goodbye”, god DAMN it, I still didn’t have enough courage to say anything, I’d just, nodded my head toward her.

teenagers in love 的圖片結果like this???  Not my photo…

Before the train started, I’d quickly taken out the sketch I’d made secretly in class of the younger cousin’s side profile, and handed it to her who found a window seat, that was the very first time, that she’d stared me in the eyes, and, flashed that enchanting smile at me.  The train moved, and the older girl tilted her head out the window, and called out “Jack!”, Jack attempted to run to keep up, but the train already, sped out of the station, I saw Jack’s panting backside, and there seemed, to be tears, mixed in his sweats, this was, probably, the very first time I ever saw Jack cry.

Before we left Taipei, we did something together, celebrated our birthdays together.  We were both, Taureans, born in the month of May, eight days apart, we’d bought ourselves a small cake, with one candle on it, we sat at the bus depot at the back of the train station and made a wish together.

“Although we’re dirt poor right now, but, we’d, shared some great times together, we will, NEVER forget how we both feel at this  precise moment.”

“I hope we will sit in different countries, and celebrate our birthdays together.”

so young, these kids, and yet, the love they’d found, are the purest…not my picture still…

“Are we going to be sitting, in the different bus stations of the different countries?”

“Ha, that sounds very cool too!”

“We must work hard, to make names of ourselves, work hard, and we will, succeed!”

So, these are the days of our youths, we’d found that first taste of love, but, because at the end, we’d needed to grow up and part ways, but, the memories of our shared moments will always stay alive in each of us, like it was, yesterday!

The Love Found in Midlife

A love that’s, geographically undesirable, so, you can’t, hold on to it, and chose, to let each other go…translated…

Young and wild, believed that we’d sought out the love bravely, sacrificing everything, love will be ours to behold; and after we’d ruined ourselves, in the encounter with love, we’d only begun, to learn, that we can’t force anything in this world.

The first time I saw C, it was as I’d learned that a famous instructor from an Ivy League university was giving guest lectures at N.T.U., back then, I was a part-time lecturer, and I’d selected a few courses to audit.  And, based off of my experiences, the western instructors from the U.S. and Europe encouraged the students to voice their questions, encouraged in-class participations, the instructors prepared the course packets, and guided the students in their learning processes based off of the handouts.

What caught my attention was C, who’d not prepared any materials for classes, everything he teaches, was coming from his memories.  He’d used a chalk, started writing the formulas, the theories on the blackboard, with forms here and there, then, started lecturing endlessly, and, after he finished with one section, he’d, stopped, and allow the students to ask questions.  He was fluent in English, very articulate, organized, and, must be the most outstanding of the dozen instructors who’d come to guest lecture.  I’d sighed, on how Asians, if they were to, become outstanding, they must, out-perform the white people tenfold.

At a gathering, we’d met at Yangming Mountain, and I’d forwarded the invite to C, and he was glad to join us.  The meeting place had series of glass pane houses one right after another, gave us a view of the city of Taipei in the nighttime.  The dozen of us gathered there, and conversed on the values we held, and our lives.  As the summer was nearing end, C was about to return to New York, and he’d asked me if we can go up Yangming Mountain again, but, that eventually, never came true.  The day before he left, we’d met up at the café next to the school, for about an hour, we’d chatted away on history, literature, and the topics drifted toward his life, and his values.

I’d just met a man, started admiring, liking him, without having the time to get to know him on a more personal level, and he’s, about to leave.  As we bid our farewells, I’d known, we will, never meet again; we work in different fields, with our separate lives, and, there’s just, NO valid reasons for us, to drift abroad to visit one another anymore.

The love found in midlife is regret, is sigh, it’s an incomplete circle.  Like that gentle summer breeze, it’s something you can’t hold on to.  The love in midlife is quiet, it’s with less passions, it’s, easily forgot; in a corner of our hearts, we’d, wished, that all is well with one another.

So, this, could’ve developed into something more, but it didn’t, because they were from two geographically undesirable regions of the world, and, it’s just not right, that either one of them asks the other to give up their life to join the other, so they can be together, and so, they’d, let each other go, and this affinity became, nothing more than just another, good memory of one’s own younger years.

Compromises, a Short Prose

Learning from his past mistakes in love, and now, hopefully, this new love won’t end in break-up too!  Translated…

He and she shared a bowl of shaved ice, and can choose four toppings, he and she both selected two.  Although, they’d not talked about it first, they would avoid selecting the items that one another hated.

Later on, they’d, moved in together, and this sort of a knowing, vanished; he’d always done things that made her angry repeatedly, and she’d kept, mentioning the old memories he had no intentions of remember over and over again.

And, as the result of not being able to agree, they’d, brorken up.

On this day, he’d taken his new girlfriend into that same shaved ice shop, he’d told her, “Let’s order separately, because what I enjoy, you don’t like.”

So, this, is what this man learned from his last love, and, because the result of his last relationship ended bad, because he and she both compromised too much, for love’s sake, and, that was why it’d not worked out, and so, this time, he’d not compromised on the smaller matters with his new love.