A “Bonus” Child

An unplanned pregnancy, but the family loved this youngest son, just as he should be, loved by them…translated…

My youngest came home from school, and as usual, he’d worked up that appetite, watched the videos, laughing hard, but, I’d detected that slight scent of, loss from him.  Before bedtime, he’d pulled me to lie with him a bit, seeing how quiet he was, I’d asked him, “what’s wrong?”

He’d told, that at school, the teacher asked everyone if they have big brothers or sisters?  He’d called out “yes”, then the teacher asked how old the older siblings of the classmates were?  Fifth grade?  Sixth?  Middle School?  High School?  The hands dropped, in the end, the teacher ask, if there are older siblings in college?

“I’m the only one with my hand raised, I’d told everybody happily, that my older sister is a senior in university that my older brother is a sophomore!”, then, the teacher told him, so carelessly, “Then, you must be, an accidental child, an extra!”

Surely, as the gynecologist told me I was pregnant again, it’d felt like someone turned the lights off in the treatment room, the world fell dark all of a sudden.  At the time, I was, glad that my two older children are older, that they’re at school all day, then, came another one, wanting to, lock me inside that cage, where I’d sat for a long, long time, waiting to, take, flight, and suddenly, I’d felt, upset.

And his instructor was correct, that my youngest WAS, an accident, in my original plans, there are only, FOUR in the family, from the space at home, the size of the car, to all other aspects of my life, I’d never, calculated this, extra child, a lot of things needed to get reset, I’d tossed away all of my two children’s baby things, and now, I will need to purchase them again, or, to get them back from someone I’d given them to, and although I’d been a mom twice already, and now, starting all over again, it’s, ten years later.  I’d thought: could it be, that the fates didn’t think I was a good enough mother the first two times, that it’d, made me do it, again?  Or, maybe, I was too excellent at being a mom, that fate rewards me, with another try?

the portrait of a complete, family…photo from online

Going out with a baby, I’d had to pack a whole lot of things, the family of five, are already, quite cramped up in the small compact, seated for four, the baby is hungry, diaper’s wet, too hot, too cold, there’s no rush hour, or everything else, my time started, going around full cycle, twenty-four seven.  One day my husband told me, if the car’s too cramped up, maybe we should get a bigger, car?  And, that was that last straw, “no!” I’d told him.

After I’d screamed out that “No!”, I was, deflated, my heart became, roomier than, that was when I’d taken a deeper look at my husband, and my three children, suddenly, I’d felt, that they’re all, too cute.  The car’s too small, we can get a bigger one, but, is my body too tiny?  Not enough to keep a baby in me?  And, asking myself this question, it’d, suddenly, opened up my narrow mind: things will get reduced, but love, love will only, get more and more with time.

“Mom, so am I, really, an, extra?”, my youngest son beside me asked.

I’d patted his head, told him lightly, “Foolish child, we’d all been, waiting for you!  Daddy, me, your siblings, waited so very long, to welcome you, into, our, family!”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

illustration from UDN.com

Then, my youngest started, grinning ear to ear, lifted his arms toward me for me to carry him in my arms, then, he’d fallen asleep, quietly and peacefully.

After I got out of his bedroom, I’d shared with the rest of my family about my youngest’s belief of him being an “extra”, and, as his older sister who was preparing for her TOIEC exam got to the word, “redundant”, my older son added, “extra”.  And yet, I still preferred how my husband described my youngest, as a “bonus”.

So, this was not in your plans for yourself or your family, but, your youngest child still came, and you’d, loved him dearly, and that, is exactly what it takes, to raise a child up right.  There ARE, no EXTRA children of the family, everything IS fate.

Shards…

The broken, pieces of that, too-fragile, heart…the originally unbroken, pane of that glass, before that kid threw, that BASEBALL (Damn, should’ve chosen a house with only, OLD enough kids in the neighborhood here!), through my windows.

Shards, that’s, what everything, became, like the pieces of the mirror, that simply, can’t EVER be its, original, whole, again.  Or, like the love we broken (or rather, it was the love from you, which, broken me…).  Shards, that, is what, everything became, at the end of the day, and everything gets, reassembled, back together, but never as good as the, original though, oh no!

yeah…like, that…

photo from online

Shards, that, is what we end up with, at the end of, all of this, nothing worth ANYTHING, nothing we will, take with us, only the memories, left, behind…

Yeah, that’s it, that, is what’s remained, of this life together we once, shared……….

A Cat that’s, Socialized as a D-O-G

This is, a “true story”, and, don’t doubt me here, ‘k???  ‘Cuz I’d, WITNESSED it, with my own two, eyes!

A cat that’s, socialized as a, D-O-G, yeah, I know, I know, it’s, really WEIRD, but I “met” one, heck I was, sitting for one, and, she (SHE DEVIL kitty!) kept on, demanding me to pet her back, and here I thought, that kitties HATED humans, that they’re, all aloof, that they’d, stay out of sight when you call to them, but not this one, she’d come and, rubbed against my legs (which was, really odd), and for someone like me, totally NOT a cat person, because I prefer the wag-wag, woof-woof!

A cat that’s, socialized as a, D-O-G, because she grew up with her two doggy sisters, that’s why, she’d become, more like a dog than acted like a cat.

will you sit for a treat like a doggy??? Illustration from online

She’d been, socialized as a dog, maybe, it’s, the pack mentally in her, that she felt the need to make herself into, one of them, to not get, picked on or something, who knows.  Still had yet to, get “inside” of her mind, to know if this is, entirely, true or not………

A cat that’s, socialized as a, D-O-G, make NO doubt, and don’t get fooled by her, she may look like a kitty cat, but she’s actually, a D-O-G, but you still probably can’t get her to come to you, when you call out her name though, because that’s not what a kitty, D-O-E-S.

Truth Sellers…

This is what we’d all, become, don’t you know???  Sellers of, truths, we’d, sold off, the truths we’d found (like how the homeless would, pick up the scrap metals and sell them???), and we’d, attempted to, sell them off, at a higher price than they’re, all, worth, and we’d become, hypocrites on the way.

How much do truths sell for these days anyways?  Oh, and hadn’t you heard, Pinocchio found a way, to SAW off that growing wooden nose, so the lies he’s telling, won’t have any more effects on his, physical, appearances no (and your point being???) more.

like this, on a, roadside, stand…photo from online

Truth sellers, that, is what we all became, we’d, started, spinning these truths we’d found, and, they’d become, a total, blur, and, we can’t even, unthread anymore, and, everything became, jumbled up.

Truth sellers, we’re, making it rich, selling off truths (or, half-ones, rather!), we don’t sell the truths, the whole truths, AND  nothing BUT the T-R-U-T-H-S, because the world’s turned us, into, liars, by socialization……

and we’d all become…image from online

Been Away Too…Long…

We’d both been away too…long…both, checked out, a long, long, long time, ago.

Been away too…long, I can’t even, remember, WHO I was, back then, as that happened, lifetimes (or at least, that was, what it’d, felt, like…) ago when we first, met.

Been away too…long, I’d forgotten, the way, back home, and now, I can’t, even, get my own old, self, back!  Been away too…long, but, that’s how it is, you know, sometimes, life happens, it’d, caused us to take, one too many of them, detours, led us down those paths of, no returns?

on that path leading towards, regret…

can’t move forward, and can’t go back, so I’m, STUCK! Photo from online

Been away too…long…there’s, nothing I can do ‘bout that now, I’m, way, way, way too far, away, from where I longed to be, and, can’t find my way back to where I’d, begun, from.  Been away too…long…how can I find back what’s been lost?  Is it, even, possibly, to undo all the wrongs I’d done to another, to find that forgiveness that I’m now, in desperate, need, of???

Been away too…long, and, can’t have the love I once took for granted back, and, it’d hurt me, to realize, that the true love I’d been, seeking my whole life for, was, the one I’d, left behind, so very, long, ago.

Stuck in the Cemetery of, Memories…

Everybody gets stuck, in the cemetery of, memories, because we all lose something or someone we loved and cared about, dearly, and we can’t, move on.

Stuck in the cemetery of, memories, we get, drawn in by the dangling hook of that beloved someone we let go off.  This cemetery of, memories is operating off of regrets, and it’d, lured us in, making us the false promises of how we can, live in that unfulfilled fantasy of what never, was.

what people who got stuck, ended up, as…

But because we regretted something so very, deeply, we’d, taken that bait, and we’re, hooked, for life!  Stuck, in the cemetery of, memories, we live our lives, as, the living dead, unable to experience anything else, because we are, too dead ourselves, after losing our beloved!

How They’d, Stayed…

How they’d, stayed, exactly the same, in our memories, and yet, looked, so different, than we remembered them as…

How they’d, stayed, frozen by the passages of time, and how time seemed to have, leave all these things we took to our hearts long, long ago, behind.  How they’d, stayed, oh, how they all, stayed!

It’s like, they KNEW, that one day, we will, come back and find them again, but we never even, planned these trips to return, but somehow, they all, knew that we would be, coming back, so maybe, maybe that’s why, they’d, stayed???

How they’d, stayed, still, perfect, inside, that broken, picture framed, smiling bright, despite how the world around them, is on the verge of, collapsing.  How they’d, stayed, put!

How they’d, stayed, right where they are supposed to be, not an inch too far, not even, a mere, milli-meter, away from where they’re all, supposed to, be………

How they’d, stayed, and now, they’re, all, gone……………

How quickly things, and the world, changed.

Not everybody IS a good mind reader like me, and I’d had, decades of “training” to get to this good!  So, just verbalize your needs to one another, and STOP making each other guess what it is that you want me to do, ‘cuz…oh yeah, I’m, totally, CLUELESS here!!!  Translated…

Saw a short online, “How to Train Your Partners”, even though, the topic was controversial, but the content of the short was, enlightening: “The point is, you need to “state it in the clearest way possible, the change you want to see……you need to mention the ‘smallest changes that’s needed’ that can make you feel better……you need to state it clearly, what would make you, satisfied.”

On this, the tensions in love, oftentimes came out of the unsatisfied needs that we have.  But, this dissatisfaction doesn’t necessary stem from how the other person wasn’t working hard enough, but because the individuals involved didn’t verbalize what they needed from one another aloud.  As a wife accused her husband, “you don’t love me”, and the man felt helpless about it more often.  Unless the wife stated it clearly, what she wanted her husband to “do”, otherwise, they won’t be on the same wavelengths of their communications, and it won’t matter if the hearts are both there, it still, won’t get the problems, resolved.

illustration from UDN.com

And yet, even if the concrete requests were being made, it still doesn’t mean that the problems are, resolved.  For instance, if the wife said, “If you love me, then you will help with the chores around the house”, and, the hidden meaning may be, “if you love me, you would go to do the chores on your own, and not just after I’d asked you to.”  or maybe, it means, “if you love me, then, you will do the chores on my standards, and not just, done it because you have to, without the faith, and you’d given me more work in the end!”, if she’d only stated her need, and not said what she expected, then, a husband “who could help with the chores”, will never be able to, satisfy his own wife.  This is why we always see one asking, “I’d already done what you’d told me to, and you’re still not happy with me!”, and the other party also got upset, “He’d done what I’d told him to, why am I still, dissatisfied?”

It’s because, the same words, it’s interpreted by another, different than the speakers’ intents, with one’s own interpretations, based off of one’s own, differences in socializations, causing a he say-she-say—unless we understand, behind every word we tell each other, there were, the hidden messages, and, underneath those hidden messages, there were, the varied frames of mind that we have, then, we will be able to, effectively, avoid the run ins with one another, and the pains of being in conflict with each other each and every time we interacted.

The deeper level of “stating it clearly”, is to learn to become more self-aware, first, to know the schemata of how we act and react, using the “clearest and most precise” way to communicate, to clarify which part was it that we’re stuck on, then, make the “tiniest changes needed”, adjusting our own frames of minds.  More times than not, a problem becomes a problem, because of how we interpreted it, once the point of view had been amended, then, usually, the other person need not do anything, the original anger would’ve, gone away, dissipated to next to none.

and this is what your marriages would be, if you don’t clear THAT up!

illustration from online

Surely, some changes, we need our partners’ involvement on.  The partners who want to help out, do understand yourselves first—after all, nobody CAN and will know you better than you, and only through the needed self-awareness, self-evaluation, then you will correctly understand, what is it that your partners needed from you, and then, you will finally, get out of the vicious cycles of your interactions with one another.

This is still on just how important SELF-AWARENESS is, but unfortunately, many people don’t got that, I mean, we all want people to KNOW on the dot what is it that we’re thinking of, and that’s, just it, ‘cuz, NOBODY can read minds (save for the QUEEN, of course, and I really CAN read minds here!), but because we believe that oh wow, you’re my husband/wife, you should know what I’m feeling, but hey, we are not each other, so how the FUCK (and your point being???) would we know exactly, what each other is feeling, unless, we’re SIAMESE TWINS who SHARE the same brains!  But we’re not, so…communicate your needs to your significant other, and don’t make them guess already, get everything out in the open, otherwise, things will pile on top, and then, one day, WHAM, it all comes, crumbling down, and crushes the both of you!

Days without the Concerts

How we adapted to the times of the outbreaks, and tried to live as normally as we possibly can, translated…

In the nights, the lights suddenly flashed on and off, the familiar sound of music started coming on, the big screen showed the landmark of my hometown, or the people from various countries in their masks, that familiar figure, the lead singer, the musician I’d been following for years on end, standing on stage, ready, to start up a huge party.

The toll of the morning bells started, I thought that the song was on, the lyrics kept repeating itself, and the audiences couldn’t wave the glow sticks on time, I’d waken up, pressed that key, ended the dream.

Last year, as the virus was spreading, living at home before the norm, the sense of time of being under lockdown, the minutes felt more like the hours, sometimes, I’d, wondered, if time is dragged out because of the longer days of summer.

Then, the news came, like breaking out of that cocoon, the band took the entire stadium, and put the glow sticks on the seats, and, hosted the online concerts, with no audiences there.  Skipping past the hard to get of the seats, in the settings of the stages, the lights, the special effects, it’d felt like I was, actually physically, there.

In the sands of time that came afterwards, I’d owned a few experiences of going to the concerts with the masks on, that’s smoothed over the soul underneath the covered up, that band once told, that it will only put on one more album, but they’d also stated, that they will keep on performing until the members are eighty years old for the fans.

In the days without the concerts, I’d always expected that there would be, the unlimited access of the concerts, getting past the virus, and, come to my life, to stay with me.

And so, this is the sense of normalcy, under the outbreaks, and, we’re still, NOT even CLOSE to returning our lives back to before here, and, yet, that’s what we have to adapt ourselves to here.

At a Disadvantage of the Years

On ageism, how we all get discriminated by others, as we get older, translated…

There’s a pond worth of Amur carps, with the golden colors or the orange-white, every one is vibrant, as it swam leisurely in that pond, and now, there are, only a few aging light golden colored carps, loosely swimming along, the springtime had come to pass, the autumn is now, lazy.  Don’t know who said it, “in a blink of an eye, summer became history, in a turn of the body, autumn became, a thing of the past.”

Forty years ago, I’d shaved my head, and now, in my youth, I’d met him, with that warm sunshine of a smile, and we’d, started our lives together then. Back then, we’d, trekked down the busy Ziyo Road of Taichung, going to the Fengjia Night Market with the scents of the yummy foods, headed to the theatres for the movies, or just lay leisurely on the lawn, listening to the music that played on, telling each other of our dreams of the futures, we’d made up a ton of stories with the happily ever afters, and worked hard together, to achieve every one of them.

After forty, maybe, you believe, that you’d been, blessed, that you still have your youth.  But in the eyes of the younger generations, you are, OLD!  Strolling out to the Fengja Night Markets, it’s just the two of you, old people there, and, you two got bored too soon, because, that’s a location where the young and the restless hang out; going to see the movies in the theatres, looking into the group, it’s all, younger children, you’d suddenly felt, out-of-sorts, believed, that you don’t belong in there with them, that you should’ve, stayed at home, and watched T.V.

Going to the super convenience shops, to operate the five-times vouchers, or to pay your bills, whenever you’d become, a bit slower in front of the kiosks, the workers would come to you, really kind, “What can I help you with, aunty?  Do you know how to use the systems?  I can be of assistance to you.”

Going to the restaurants, the waiter asked you to give them a five-s, star review on FB, if you’re a bit slow, taking our your reading glasses, then the waiter would, grab your phone from you, and, do it her/himself, “I’ll help you, it’s faster!”

illustration from UDN.com

I’m too grateful for their kindness, surely, but their behaviors made me feel that I’d become, too incompetent, as we reach fifty, we’re, the lesser now?  We’d gone through school, retired from our public posts, and we can catch up to the trends too, we can use our cell phones with agility, computers, FB, posting on Instagram, or use LINE Pay, buying things online, but, in the eyes of the younger generations, you are, elderly.  They knew more, they’re more energetic, agile, what took you so long to get done, it’s too easy to handle for them all!  Even my daughter told us, “You don’t need a cell phone that’s too high-end, because it’s a waste, as you only use certain functions!”

The spectrums of culture is too widened now, other than the high-tech stuff, those over fifty carried a rich work experiences, the ability to get along with others better, good communication skills too, we have enough wisdom, to help us through everything in our lives.  Everybody grows old, that is, never going to change, in the now when the media, the culture boasts on the better qualities of being younger, we should not fear the deteriorations that comes with getting older, actually, the population of fifty and older, we are, a huge part of the economy, we can really, spend wildly, going to the places we enjoy going to to dine, just enjoy our lives now, self-confidence is what makes us all feel, a whole lot younger, adding the colors to our, lives too.

The final song from “My Missing Valentine” was “I Started A Joke” by the Bee Gees, the final song from “Waterfall” is “Choices” by Tsai Chin, these oldies are eternal, and, as we grow older, we have the right, to shine on as brightly, like the setting son, so long as we believe that we are, capable of, shining brightly still.

And so, it’s all in the attitude here, not allowing anybody else to define us, by our age or whatever, and this is still, NEVER easy, because there are the feedbacks that we get from the environment outside of us, telling us, hinting us, that we’re, too old to do this, to do that, and it’s, really hard, to drown all those noises from outside out, to not let it, get into our minds.